Are you prepared for your child to hate you? A lot of parents post incessantly about the lives of their children. They post about their earliest stages of development. They post about their first days of school. They post about intimate family moments. Sharing pictures is an easy way to get likes, a lot of people will post encouraging comments. Other mothers will gush at your posts. Many people see themselves as just innocently sharing about some of their more joyful moments with their kids. But you really need to stop.
You don't have to listen to me, of course, you don't have to take this advice seriously. You might even get angry at me telling you this. But your child is not a way to get likes online. Your child is not for show. Your child is not for other people's entertainment. There is a whole generation of parents that are going to reap the whirlwind of hate from their children by profiting off of their children for likes online.
"In a few months, this child and her classmates will begin to turn 13 and, perhaps, create their own Facebook accounts. When they do, they will come face to face with their digital shadow. They may step into it easily, or try to sever themselves from it, but it won’t let go, this pre-existent media identity, because it has logged their lives from the moment they left the womb. Some will recognise their digital shadow, but what of those whose online identity bears little relation to their sense of self, or to the public identity they want to share? For years, parents have fretted about their children’s posting activities, while continuing to post as they wish about their offspring. Is it time they stopped – or at least asked for permission first?
Today these questions are on the minds of the children at Kingsford community school in Beckton, east London, where the 13-, 14- and 15-year-old members of the Debate Mate after-school club are filing into a classroom on the first floor, slinging down school bags and glancing at the motion on the whiteboard. “This house would ban parents from posting about their children on social media,” the debate leader writes.
“It’s kind of weird your parents are still posting pictures of you on social media,” someone says. One boy, Malachi, bows his head and writes a single word on his notepad: reputation. “This is really about consent,” his friend says. “Do I want to be seen by a larger, broader range of people?” There is a loud hum of agreement and one girl raises her voice: “Parents! We don’t want them invading our privacy. Because some of us, the only privacy we get is through social media.”
Of course, they are your children, so the decision is yours. But don't say I didn't warn you:
"These pupils often discuss social networking sites, their attractions and perils, but this is the first time they have turned their scrutiny on their own parents. And yet parents are the object of an increasingly aggressive interrogation. This spring a mother from Shropshire called out her son’s bullying on Facebook, only for the post to go viral; the criticism of her became so intense she removed it and changed her Facebook page and phone number. Next came the 20-year-old mother from Balloch, Scotland, whose photographs of her 11-month-old daughter in tiny high fashion outfits attracted an Instagram following that included Khloé Kardashian – until critics claimed the woman was sexualising her baby. She has since locked the account and gone to ground. After her came the Arizona father who nakedly cradled his naked, feverish baby in the shower, an image his wife snapped and shared, before Facebook removed it as offensive.
Excessive sharing about your children has long incited disapproval, but recently the disapproval has begun to acquire a proto-legal tinge. In March, French police warned parents against posting photos of their children on social media; according to social media analyst Eric Delcroix, the children could soon be able to sue them for posting inappropriate pictures, under the country’s privacy laws. The treasurer of the UK’s Human Rights Lawyers Association, Leanne Targett-Parker, echoes the idea that it is only a matter of time before children mount legal challenges against oversharing parents. “You can’t imagine it not being something that starts to develop within the next five to 10 years,” she says. “I can’t see how there can’t be attempts at suing people for putting up posts that they’re unhappy with.”
Some parents may shrug off the shaming stories – and the professionalised sharing of family vloggers such as the Shaytards, the Brataleys, the Ballingers – as beyond the range of their own moderate social media activity. But listen to the children in the Kingsford classroom and it becomes clear how many degrees there are of shame. To these teenagers, even small instances of sharing can be divisive. When I ask if anyone has experienced being overshared themselves, hands shoot up, but the answers are a long way from the public shaming that normally grabs headlines. They are exactly the sort of infringements that many parents will commit without a second thought.
“I was eating a Subway. Chicken teriyaki. Eating that and my mum just took the picture and posted it on Facebook,” one pupil says.
“When I was little my parents took a picture of me being potty-trained. Three weeks ago they posted it on Facebook. Me on the toilet. It was really embarrassing,” another adds."
You may think your posts are appropriate. But ultimately that decision is not yours alone. Your child gets a vote, and many feel shamed by the post their parents share about them online. They may decide to vote against you for changing their lives forever for sharing what you believed to be a cute or funny photo. Take on board this important point, this is not just an issue of the fame whores who use their children to run popular Instagram or Tiktok sites. Children often don't even like some of the more innocent photos being shared. I encourage you to read that whole article linked above, because it shares the remarkable harms that parents sharing their kids photos online can cause, and it is powerful to hear about the little girl who ran and hid from their mother when she was holding her camera.
But if you don't care what your kids think, or think it will be no big deal. How about this:
"Single mum Jacquelyn Paul started the account as a way of scrapbooking Wren's childhood, but in recent weeks, she has come under fire for exploiting her child and possibly putting her at risk...
...Online sleuths and members of Wren Eleanor's TikTok community noticed some disturbing behaviour and concerning trends on the account that sounded alarm bells.
"This video of Wren in a crop top has been saved 45,000 times," one TikTok sleuth pointed out.
More TikTok detectives noticed disgusting comments about Wren from men asking if she 'was single' and writing that she was 'a hottie'..."
Do you want this to be your child? The internet is a hotbed of the worst sorts of people in this world. You do not want your children being exposed to that sort of scrutiny. Predators go where the prey is, and a lot of parents are making targets of their children, and perhaps they do not even realize it.
This is good advice from the same article:
"Child psychologist Andrew Greenfield tells Claire that if a parent is considering creating an account for their child, it is worth considering the future implications of childhood fame first.
"Not every single child wants to be the centre of attention all the time. And I think that can certainly lead to self-esteem issues, or sometimes depression or anxiety issues," he explained..."In every single session I do with students, if I ask: 'Whose mum and dad post photos of them online without permission?' They all put their hand up and you can literally hear the eye roll because they don't like it. Putting your child's privacy first is a huge thing that parents have to consider."
The occasional family photo is innocent and likely not going to cause you any problems. But before sharing photos of your kids online, you have to consider that 1) it is a terrible idea to seek to get likes from sharing photos of your children online, 2) your children might seriously resent you, or even seek to sue you in the future, and many parents would deserve it, 3) and you have to consider the sorts of danger you are exposing your children to. Less is better, and never or rarely is probably best. You might think that fame is an innocent, even beneficial thing, but fame brings all sorts of issue to a child's life, that can have lifelong consequences. Think of the child stars you know, do any of them come across to you as well adjusted, and happy adults? Maybe a few, but definitely a minority.
Children need to be sheltered from most aspects of the world for as long as possible. I know some parents think the opposite of that. And if you think that way, fine, it is on you, you are now aware of some of the possible ramifications. If you are sharing from innocent intent, then I encourage you to read both of the articles linked in this piece all the way through and seriously consider what you are doing.
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