How To Handle A Difficult Wife Part 4 – Sex and Bonding

 

Sex.

This is one of the more important aspects of marriage. In this article I am going to look at this topic from a different perspective to either my previous articles, or what you are probably used to.

According to Forbes a lack of intimacy is the fourth largest reason for divorce, sitting behind lack of family support, infidelity, and right alongside a lack of compatibility and too much conflict.[1] When you consider that both infidelity and lack of compatibility largely overlap with a lack of intimacy, then you would have to conclude that this is a much larger reason for divorce than this graph indicates.

[2]

I have been known to say in sermons that a sexless marriage is a contradiction in terms. God created marriage to be a sexual relationship. For instance, Malachi 2:15 says, “15 But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.” God designed marriage to be a fruitful sexual union that bears children, and that is why he makes man and wife one; physically and spiritually. This teaching harkens back to the Genesis 2:24-25 which says, “24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” And both passages point forward to 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 which says,

“2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Sex is central to what marriage is. Of course, in this fallen world, through injury or sickness, this aspect of marriage can be broken. But this does not change the fact that marriage is and was always meant to be a sexual union.

Of course, as many men and some women will tell you, sex can dry up in marriage over time. This is not a controversial idea. We all know this happens. What many people may not know is that it is not uncommon for this to be a case of the man not really wanting to touch the woman. The stereotype is the sex-starved man and the ice-queen wife, and this stereotype is probably more common than the other way around. However, in this day of porn addiction and low-testosterone and other reasons, it is not unheard of to have wives wishing their husbands would touch them. In fact, this is not even something new, as I just finished The Canterbury Tales recently and this exact kind of situation features in one of the tales.

But as I have said all along; this series is more about prevention than curing problems. It is far easier to build a good relationship with your wife from the start than it is to turn around a bad situation. Of course, some of the principles will apply both ways, and so they may offer some men in difficult situations some hope and a reasonable path forward, but this is an area of your marriage you want to steward as wisely as possible from the start, otherwise it could really come back to bite you hard later in your marriage.

Men, has anyone ever told you how having good sex with your wife will improve your marriage? Note, I did not say, “getting good sex.” I said, “having good sex.” There is a difference; a big difference, and an important difference.

A lot of discussion about sex in marriage contexts, at least in Church circles and the secular circles I am aware of, is focused around how women can please their husbands by being more available, being more willing, being more adventurous, etc. And yes, having a wife who is willing to be sexually available is a massive advantage in this area. In fact, if you are one of those men whose wife has a higher sexual libido than you, or even close to, you have lucked out…or perhaps you have not? Maybe you have simply been doing something right? You know the saying, “You get more flies with honey than vinegar.” What do I mean by that?

Well, it is simple: if you are lazy, selfish, or too self-focused in your sexual relationship with your wife, why would you be surprised if things dial down over time? Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that in every marriage sexual attention can come in waves, there are times of serious busyness like when kids are really little, there are times of sickness, there are times when you both might just quieten down and things become less consistent. I understand all of this, and I encourage you to pay attention to the natural rhythms of life and be adaptive with your spouse…but herein is the point: One of the ways men can go wrong in their marriage and help to turn their wife into the difficult wife is how they approach this area of marriage.

Sex is not a gift for men and a duty for women. Look again what the Apostle Paul says, “3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband” (emphasis mine). Notice what Paul does not say. He does not say, “Women, your husband desperately needs your sexual attention.” Rather he says that both men and women should render each other affection. Why? Because both men and women are created to desire affection and to receive and give affection.

We have gotten into this strange mindset in the modern world that says men are way more interested in sex than women, and maybe there is some truth in this, especially considering how much media is geared to revving up men’s sexual desire. However, if you read old literature, especially medieval literature, but also some other ancient literature, you will see that many of the ancients just assumed that women were more interested in sex. Paul, though, he cuts through this by indicating that marriage is meant to be a mutual affection environment. He addresses the inherent desire for affection in both sexes. All Christians are meant to live by the principle: “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” How much more married couples with each other?

Men, do you look at your wife and think of her as simply an agent that owes you affection? Or do you look at your wife and see someone who is owed affection, that you want to be affectionate with, that you want to be intimate with for her joy, not just your own? Because, this makes a massive difference, and what Paul says here in 1 Corinthians 7 helps to create this basic standard of wisdom; marriage is meant to be a mutual benefit environment.

If you approach the sexual part of marriage simply from the perspective of your sexual gratification, you wife will work out pretty quickly how you really view her, or at least how you appear to view her through your actions. Women are pretty intelligent creatures, men, and they will work out very quickly when you are simply wanting to use them. Some women will even put up with that over time, because of loyalty, because of natural affection, or duty, or other reasons. But you will likely be turning down her desire for sex and affection just a little bit more every time you do so. There will likely come a day when that tap runs dry. I often wonder how many men in sexless marriages were very selfish lovers early on?

Research backs this up as well. Though research shows men are generally more interested in sex than women, men and women still give roughly similar reasons for turning down sex. These reasons usually revolve around other relational issues.[3] Psychology today notes,

“Although sexual desire has biological underpinnings, the initiation of sex and responses to sexual overtures have little to do with individuals and have much more to do with couple dynamics. Furthermore, when we categorize one person in a couple as having a low sex drive, we are ignoring the gamut of interactions that might be affecting their interest in sex. Consider, for example, how much—or how little—you’re attracted to your partner when you’re in an argument or are focusing on work or a child-rearing issue. Psychological distractions can make us turn away from romance and toward other issues occupying our headspace.”[4]

In other words, other issues going on in the relationship are generally the underlying cause to why sex might dry up over time. I am not seeking to address all of those causes in this article, only one in particular: how you treat sex with your wife, men, makes a difference to her desire. If you treat sex with your wife as simply about you and not about her, over time you will train her to not be as interested in sex. People eat chocolate because they like it. Some people might avoid it for health and weight reasons, but when people eat nice chocolate they don’t really need to be talked into it. Why? Because they like it. Our bodies are designed to respond to things which bring us pleasure. Anyone who rides a motorbike knows that there is a physical joy that comes form riding that thing, and that is why you get back on it, this is why people get addicted to exercise as well. The same is true for other things in our life, including and especially sex. When your wife enjoys it more, she is more likely to desire it more.

But this also goes with other types of affection as well. Remember there are other ways to be affectionate, men. Hugging, kissing, sitting on the couch, doing other things together builds up physical connection as a habit. If you shun these things over time you will create physical distance between you and your wife and this will affect the bedroom.

Our bodies are designed to bond. Remember what Genesis 2 says, “24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” “and they shall become one flesh.” This obviously speaks to physical connection and probably more, in fact I think Malachi 2:15 makes it clear that this connection has a spiritual reality to it as well. But science and medicine can speak to the physical aspect,

“Sex triggers a powerful chemical feedback loop that literally wires your brain to feel attached to your partner. During sex, the brain releases oxytocin, often called the bonding hormone, into several key areas involved in learning, memory, and reward. That oxytocin then activates the brain’s dopamine reward system, flooding it with the same feel-good chemical involved in eating your favorite food or achieving a goal. The result is that your brain begins associating your partner with deep pleasure and comfort.

This isn’t a one-time event. Each sexual encounter reinforces the loop. Oxytocin stimulates dopamine release, which in turn strengthens the neural pathways that encode your partner as a source of reward. Research in both animal and human models shows that mating increases dopamine activity in both men and women. Over time, this creates a neurochemical foundation for pair bonding that exists alongside, and sometimes independent of, conscious feelings of love.”[5]

Our bodies are designed to give us intense feedback to the world around us. Sex is one of the most intensely pleasurable things you can do with your body in this life. This is one of the reasons it is so dangerous outside of marriage but so powerful within it. It is literally designed to glue a man and a woman together relationally, so that they actually crave being with each other. Over time this becomes much more than just craving sex, it becomes craving connection and affection from your specific spouse. There is a reason that adultery feels like such a betrayal, because it actually breaks something physical between a couple and impacts your spirit. You feel the betrayal in your bones and in your soul.

Now, properly stewarded, men, this sexual nature of your marriage is a powerful way to keep your wife’s affection, attention and loyalty. You will likely desire sex more than her. Which is why there is wisdom in making sure she enjoys the experience as much as possible. But also note that if you act badly in your relationship, if you break this sexual bond through neglect, porn use, infidelity, hurting your wife, demanding of her in other areas of your life more than you should, or in other ways, you can actually train your wife to feel like she does not need you. Guys who give their attention to porn and ignore their wives sexually actually train their wives to not pursue sex; talking about shooting yourself in the foot, with both barrels. If she comes to the conclusion that sex is just a way to gratify you, and then on top of that if she comes to see you in a negative light for other reasons, this is where many men and marriages find themselves in a world of hurt.

Suddenly a man finds himself in a situation where he is seeking help because his wife will not touch him. Or worse, she has told him that the marriage is over because she no longer feels the need for him in her life. She knows how much he enjoys sex, but for her it was an imposition from an unloving man, who did not really (from her perspective) cherish her, so why should she care? I am not justifying her making that choice, I still think that is wrong, but you have to understand, men, that you can contribute to pushing your wife in this direction, if you are not wise.

Once you are in this situation it is hard to turn around. Even if your wife is a Christian, she can find women who will affirm her in this decision. She will find pastors, or pastor’s wives, who encourage her that she is doing nothing wrong. You now have an uphill battle to win her affections back, it can be done, but it is more difficult. But for younger men starting out, or who have not yet started out, make sure you don’t start down this path, otherwise it can go very bad for you and your marriage.

We read in Proverbs 5 these powerful words,

“15 Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well. 16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. 20 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?”

Now it is possible to simply read this from the perspective that men should you avoid adultery and have sex with your wife, instead, because this is wise. Solomon is saying here: do not tire of your wife. But I think it goes further than that. I would like you to notice that Solomon writes that a man should not tire of “delighting” (ESV. V.9) or being satisfied in his wife’s body. In other words, he argues that you should find pleasure in finding your wife’s body to be wonderland, to use the phrases of a corny song from I remember from my younger days. Does a woman want to be rejoiced in? Does a woman want to be satisfying? Does a woman want to be a delight to the eyes of her husband? Does a woman want to be someone her husband pursues and desires? Yes, yes, yes and yes. Solomon does not talk about simply gratifying yourself with your wife’s body, he speaks of mutual pleasure.

And if that is written too subtly in Proverbs 5, then turn to Song of Solomon where he literally makes that case much more explicit. We read there how the groom delights in exploring the body of his beloved bride,

“1 Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove’s eyes behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, Going down from Mount Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep Which have come up from the washing, Every one of which bears twins, And none is [s]barren among them. 3 Your lips are like a strand of scarlet, And your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil Are like a piece of pomegranate. 4 Your neck is like the tower of David, Built for an armory, On which hang a thousand bucklers, All shields of mighty men. 5 Your two breasts are like two fawns, Twins of a gazelle, Which feed among the lilies. 6 Until the day breaks And the shadows flee away, I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh And to the hill of frankincense” (Prov. 4:1-6).

The Bible spends more time than most would expect on the sexual nature of marriage, and part of its teaching is mutual pleasure and delight. Men, of course, there are other things which are really important for you to do in your marriages to steward your wife well, and in a loving way. But this is one of the very important ones that is not often spoken about.

How much you lay with your wife is between you and her. Different couples will have different rhythms, so there is no use being prescriptive in this area. Work out a rhythm that works well for both of you and that is regular. But note, that the better you devote yourself to helping this be an area that your wife looks forward to the better this will be for your relationship. Don’t neglect it, don’t abuse it. Note also that looking at porn can destroy this overnight, so shun that stuff. If you have a loving wife, who believes the Bible and wants to fulfill her role in mutual affection, and you steward this well, you will go a long way to helping yourself from every having to deal with the difficult wife.

Till next time.

List of References

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[1] Christy Bieber, J.D. and Adam Ramirez, J.D. 2024, https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/common-causes-divorce/

[2] Ibid.

[3] Michelle Drouln, Ph. D., 2022, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-online/202202/in-sexless-marriage-who-s-blame?msockid=2652711681de61e7277a647085de6fbb

[4] Ibid.

[5] Science Insights, 2026, https://scienceinsights.org/why-do-couples-have-sex-the-science-behind-it/

Foreign Dependence is the Problem

 

I remember many years ago, probably as far back as 2013 maybe 2015, listening to a Sky News discussion and the host had Labor and Liberal representatives on their show.

He asked them, "Does it really matter that we are getting rid of fuel refineries and car manufacturing?"

"No." They both said. "We can get what we need from Asia."

I remember thinking, "How can they be so dumb? What happens when war comes along?"

I never forgot that interview, because the retardery of what these representatives both said burned a memory in my mind. They were ok with a policy that made Australia's position in the world more precarious, more dependent. 

I no longer think they were dumb, I think they were corrupted, either by ideology or something else. You have to be very shortsighted to think that being dependent on other countries for basic commodities that make your economy move, literally, is a wise move.

This fuel crisis is 100% the fault of the two major parties and their short-term thinking. They worked hard to make us exposed, because they could not think ahead, or were the given incentives not to think ahead? Remember this at every election for the next three decades. Because these political parties have zero intentions of fixing a crisis they manufactured.

Labor is addicted to pushing us towards reliance on China, which every thinking Australian can see will end badly. EV's might be a short-term fix. But reliance on other countries is the problem, not the solution. That would simply leave us exposed to other forms of potential crisis.

The LNP is addicted to being a damp squib, utterly useless at fixing Labor's bad policies. They seem to be more afraid of being uninvited to inner city dinner parties than doing the right thing with resources. Though at the state level in QLD we see some movement in the right directions.  

But at the Federal level neither of these parties should be forgiven for their mismanagement of this country. Forgiveness is for individuals, not political parties. They need to be voted out of all levers of power and influence, so that sensible people can come in and change our country's direction.

 

Not Quitting Isn’t a Skill

 

Bear Grylls, on his social media, speaks to one of the most important realities of being able to succeed at virtually anything in this life:

“The best piece of advice I ever received about resilience didn't come from a book.

It came from the first SAS officer I ever met.

I was crazy nervous before Selection. I didn't know if I was strong enough or fit enough to make it.

He pulled me aside and said:

"Everyone who attempts Selection has the basic mark-one body: two arms, two legs, one head, and one pumping set of lungs."

Then he tapped his chest.

"What makes the difference between those who make it and those who don't is what goes on in here. Heart. That is what makes the big difference."

Skills can be taught.

Fitness can be built.

But heart? That's a choice you make every single day.

When people around you are quitting, make that the reason to give more.

Have a great Wednesday. Take care of each other.”

Amen. This is true in so many areas of life:

Family

Career

Ministry

Writing goals

Etc, etc.

Not quitting is not a skill, it is a decision. It is a decision you make every day, in fact more than that. You might have to talk yourself out of quitting your job, your marriage or your ministry many times in a single day. And it is worth the effort to do this, because once you come through the time of trial you will have been transformed in ways that you would not have, if you had quit.

Whenever someone quits something they were determined to succeed at, it leaves a mark on them. That does not mean there are never times to stop trying with something. I worked out very quickly into my PhD studies that I did not need a doctorate in theology, that I did not want to work in academia (especially after I had seen what it was really like in today’s world), and that I could better use my research and writing skills in other ways, which I have. So, I understand that there are times when we do not need to complete something. But this decision left a mark on me, it helped me to understand more about myself, and because I took what I have worked on and turned it into a book I could publish it left a positive mark.

But when people quit something they really wanted to succeed at and leave behind them nothing but loss, it leaves a different kind of mark. We all have that from some point in our lives. I think every now and then about what would have been different in my life if I kept pursuing footy. Probably not a lot, however I will never know for sure. But when it comes to a marriage, or an important vocation, when you look at people who have quit these, then you see how much it can harm their path forward. It leaves a mark that they carry with them the rest of their lives, a negative mark. Because they made a decision to quit, when they know they should have kept going.

This decision to quit damages their resilience to other situations in their life. It leaves them with a mark of failure, and they know it. Of course, to a large degree they can heal and succeed at other things, but the mark will stay with them.

Whereas sticking at something when it is hard helps us to learn the strength to face other difficult things. But, as I said, this is not a skill, it is a decision. It is decision to want to keep going.  

My kids see me do some form of exercise everyday. Everyday, unless I am sick, of course. I said to them the other day, do you think I always feel like exercising everyday? One them answered yes. But I said, that of course I don’t want to, I’d rather rest, and not have to worry about exercising, but how else am I supposed to stay strong?

We have to make the decision to keep at something. I encourage you today to think about this.

 

 

Relearn It, We Must

 

Her divorce may not have been her fault. Though most divorces are initiated by women, so she likely took the plunge. Still  he might have been intolerable, and I don't mean that he was messy, and forgot her birthday a few times, and watched too much sport on the weekend. I mean he might have been a down right mongrel. So, there is that possibility.

But the reality is divorce has been too easy for too long. Waaaaaaaay too easy.

Most people divorce over minor issues. Normal relational issues. Even for more serious ones, like infidelity, people used to be more willing to piece things back together (which of course is hard to do, I understand). But now divorce is as simple for some people as changing cars. In fact some people keep their cars, longer than spouses.

Our government and our culture made divorce way too easy, and now God had decided to take that ease away.

Those who don't learn from wisdom learn from experience. He is making our easy going, way too easy to blow up marriage culture, experience much more hardship.

The young will look upon this, and fear, and recognize that you cannot just treat things like marriage as throwaway things. They will likely be made wise by the experiences of others.

It sucks, though, how many people will be hurt by our society relearning this lesson. But learn it we must.

It’s Better To Have…

 

Marriage failure is not the worst thing that can happen to a young man in the relationship scene.

Never having had a chance to live your life with the woman you love is far worse.

Even if it were to fail, you would have gained so much from that marriage. Even some kids, probably. And a lot of other good things if you approached it well.

Too many young men today, because of bad, mad, social media advice fear the wrong thing. They fear that their relationship might fail, rather than fearing that they never took the chance to succeed.

They fear more that they might lose half their assets, rather than consider that they built something with another person. Which is one of life’s greatest privileges.

Now, of course a marriage break up is not fun. This is true no matter which side initiates it. I have seen enough divorced people in my life, through my ministry, to see that many of them have the same look of woundedness, the same shattering of confidence, the same presence that speaks to a great personal failure. Some display this less than others, some more, but I have observed it in all of them at some point. So, I would never say that a marriage failure is not awful.

But the person who has never pursued a relationship with a woman they are interested in has to live with a deeper wound: they lived the life of a coward, and that is worse, much worse, than even a marriage failure. Don’t let it happen to you.

 

Degrading Art Degrades A Society

 

I am looking forward to seeing how all the usual big-eva crowd pump out article, after article, and social media post after social media post, about how Translan is actually a good thing, it is only a small part of the movie, and then promoting some feminist spin on the story. Which is exactly what they did with similar issues in the recent travesty that is called Nolan's The Odyssey.

Of course, they will only do this if the movie turns out to be successful, because then they can ride the wave of popularity. There are so many leaders in the church who are so desperate to seek the approval and aplomb of the left-leaning culture. Or, others will promote it because some of them are paid to shill for it, because this does happen as well.

This is the level of disrespect our society gives to Christian things, when Christians take disrespect and tell everyone else to lap it up.

The way they got behind the subversion of the Odyssey will encourage more travesties like that.

To those who say, "It is just a movie." Do you still not understand how important art is to the soul of the culture? The greatest work of art in history, bar none, is the Bible. It has spawned countless lesser works of art, all to some degree reflecting its glory. These works of art speak to grander truths that shape how a people thinks about itself. It is a well known historical field of study that art reflects the state of a society, and our society is clearly not in good shape.

There are few more successful ways to demoralize a culture than humiliate it through art. This was practiced by the Soviets who founded a massive movie industry in Communist Russia, but this has been known since ancient days. The Assyrians used art to crush the fighting spirit of their enemies. Egypt, Babylon, Greece, and Rome, all used it to inspire their societies to greatness. There is a reason conquering armies always smashed the artworks of conquered peoples, it is a way of tearing out their hearts.

In fact, one of the worst things about evangelical culture is how bad it is at producing art. It was not always this way, once we had great artists, Lewis was one of them. But somehow the spirit of artistry has vacated the Protestant churches. The result has been an inability to capture the heart of society.

And now they are in the process off degrading the legacy of our greatest Christian artists.

 

Feminists Were Always Crazy

 

Because we live in a day and age where bad hair dye jobs have caught up with feminist sensibilities, we tend to think that earlier waves of feminists were more reasonable, and more sensible.

But no, the first wave feminists were not the saner feminists. As Helen Kendrick Johnson writes in the 1890’s:

“I copy from the "Salt Lake Herald" a few sentences taken from an interview with Mrs. Cannon, State Senator elect. When asked if she was a strong believer in woman suffrage, she answered: "Of course I am. It will help women, and it will purify politics. Women are better than men. Slaves are always better than their masters." "Do you refer to polygamy?" was asked. "Indeed I do not," she answered. "I believe in polygamy. My father and mother were Mormons, and I am a Mormon…. A plural wife isn't half as much of a slave as a single wife. If her husband has four wives, she has three weeks of freedom every single month…. Of course it is all at an end now, but I think the women of Utah think, with me, that we were better off in polygamy…. Sixty per cent. of the voters of this State are women. We control the State…. What am I going to do with my children while I am making the laws for the State? The same thing I have done with them when I have been practicing medicine. They have been left to themselves a good deal…. Some day there will be a law compelling people to have no more than a certain amount of children, and the mothers of the land can live as they ought to live." This is the character and opinion presented by the highest State official that woman suffrage has as yet given to the United States. Comment upon it seems unnecessary, so far as it would be needed to express the disgust of the majority of American women at such sentiments and such a situation.”

From Woman and the Republic, Helen Kendrick Johnson.

Insanity was always a mark of feminism.

There are many things that I could draw out from this short passage quoted here, but this stands out the most for me, “What am I going to do with my children while I am making the laws for the State? The same thing I have done with them when I have been practicing medicine. They have been left to themselves a good deal….” Why do you think Paul said that older women need to teach younger women “to love their husbands, to love their children” (Titus 2:4)? Because, if they are not taught this women will quickly abandon their children to follow their careers and desires. Paul saw this in his day, we see it in our day, this woman brags about doing this.

Feminism was always an attack on the family. It is dyscivilisational. It is to individualism what petrol is to a grass fire on a hot day, an extremely dangerous accelerant. People were already selfish, sinful, and given to going their own way, this is a part of the sinful human nature, the flesh corrupts our approach to life. But feminism took that and supercharged it, for women and men. Now, we live in a hyper-individualistic culture that sees any containment by gender roles and duty as oppression. But the individual is not the basic unity of society, the family is. Feminism was always, from the very start, simply a means for bad women to seek to sunder themselves from their God-given roles and responsibilities and also be given the chance to bring many other women along with them.

Now, we live in a day where so many men and women live adrift in a broken culture, and this ideology is one of the core reasons for that.