Shun the Contentious Woman – How to Handle a Difficult Wife, Part 3

 

I once heard a preacher say that whatever God repeats, that is something he wants us to pay real attention to. This is a very common teaching technique. Every teacher knows that much of what they say will not be retained by the person they are speaking to, so something which makes sense to do in every sermon, or every Bible study, or every teaching opportunity, is to make sure most of what you say reinforces the message you want to stick in people’s minds. So, when the Bible repeats something, you know that it wants us to pay attention.

We see this in the book of Proverbs, and especially on the topic of the dangerous, or contentious woman. If you read Proverbs 1-9 you will see that there is losts of advice for a young man to protect himself from the bad woman. For example, in Proverbs 7 we read,

“7 My son, keep my words,

And treasure my commands within you.

2 Keep my commands and live,

And my law as the apple of your eye.

3 Bind them on your fingers;

Write them on the tablet of your heart.

4 Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”

And call understanding your nearest kin,

5 That they may keep you from the immoral woman,

From the seductress who flatters with her words.”

It is important to teach our young men how to be respectful to young women, how to treat younger women as sisters, as Paul the Apostle says, and to guard their sexual desires until marriage. This is vital. But it needs to be noted that the Bible spends more time warning young men about the dangerous harlot than many modern Christians probably realize. Today, we are trained to think of men as the sexually obsessed, and the woman as the sexual object. We have been taught this by movies and other media. But the reality is far more complicated. There are many women who take delight in weaponizing their sexuality to corrupt or even destroy men.

It is true that a lot of women in the porn industry are there because they have been sexually groomed from a young age or even trafficked. This is a reality. But Only Fans shows what happens when you create an almost free market and tell people to gather a fanbase with whatever assets they have. What happens is that women will turn that site into a porn star’s dream, direct access to their simps whom they can exploit at will.

In fact, part of how Only Fans markets itself is as a Feminist driven organization,

“As it’s grown, OnlyFans has sought to use explicit content – its seemingly bottomless source of revenue – as a springboard to greater scale, positioning itself as a tech pioneer with a place among social media giants such as Instagram and X. Key to that effort is making porn more socially acceptable and distancing the company from the abuses often associated with the industry.

The public face of OnlyFans is CEO Keily Blair, an Irish lawyer and self-described feminist and “safety nerd” promoted to the top job in 2023. In public appearances, Blair, 42, presents the platform as lucrative and empowering, particularly for women, and often mentions her two daughters. “I want them to have a good online life,” she told delegates at a UK child-protection conference in 2023. “I want the same for your kids.”[1]

There is often discussion in conservative and Christians circles that one of the reasons that porn is so evil is because it exploits women, and we have to acknowledge that this does happen. But less often is the other prominent side of the problem with porn talked about; that a lot of women use it to exploit men, particularly younger men. This discussion is changing, the language of simps is used to described these men now, because many young men are becoming increasingly aware of how they are exploited by porn. Many now know that they are being exploited for their money, their time, their energy, and their devotion. They are waking up to this reality.

When we read Proverbs 7, we should immediately think of this kind of woman, a woman who knows how to exploit the simple minded,

“6 For at the window of my house

I looked through my lattice,

7 And saw among the simple,

I perceived among the youths,

A young man devoid of understanding,

8 Passing along the street near her corner;

And he took the path to her house

9 In the twilight, in the evening,

In the black and dark night.

10 And there a woman met him,

With the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart.

11 She was loud and rebellious,

Her feet would not stay at home” (Prov. 7:6-11).

Society is replete with these kinds of dangerous women, and many young men are sent into their embrace like lambs to the slaughter. In fact, in verses 21-22 of Proverbs 7 Solomon uses almost this exact imagery to describe the effect of these women on young men.

But we should not only think of the adulterous woman when we read this passage, or the porn star, even though this certainly should be our primary application. We should also think of the “loud and rebellious” woman who uses her sexuality to trap a man in marriage and then rule over him.

There is a stereotype of marriage, and just relationships in general, that a woman will use her sexuality to trap a man in a committed relationship and once she has achieved her goal, then she will drip feed sexual attention as a means of control. This stereotype exists precisely because it does happen often. But we should not see this as a stereotype of marriage as a whole, even though that is how people do see it, we should, rather, see it as a stereotype of marriage with the difficult woman. The difficult woman uses her sexuality to entrap a man and then to rule over him.

There are many men who live in this sort of arrangement, and they are relatively ok with it. In fact, not only are they ok with it is, in their perspective it “just is what it is.” In their view this is what marriage is. After all, the common stereotype has told them that. As the joke often goes in sit coms, “When was the last time you had sex?” “Are you kidding, I am married!” is the reply. If you watch shows like Everybody Loves Raymond from the late 90’s you will see how the media presented marriage as a relationship where a man longingly desires for sexual attention and it is drip fed to him by his wife when he has done the right thing and earnt it. Shows like this should be seen less as a description of reality and more as an attempt to shape reality. But whichever way you perceive it, there is this understanding in culture that marriage is in general a sexual wasteland.

Why?

Because of this idea that a woman will use sexuality to entrap a man into a relationship. And the truth is that the difficult woman will do this. Many men have experienced this.

This is why this discussion of Proverbs 7 is so important for this third article in our series about How to Handle a Difficult Wife. Solomon is warning men to watch out for that woman. To watch out for the kind of woman who will use their sexuality to entrap you. To watch out for the adulterous woman who says,

“18 Come, let us take our fill of love until morning;

Let us delight ourselves with love.

19 For my husband is not at home;

He has gone on a long journey;

20 He has taken a bag of money with him,

And will come home on the appointed day” (Prov. 7:18-20).

To watch out for the woman who will sell you her body online and trap you into a simping relationship. To watch out for the woman who will honeytrap you into a relationship.

There is a reason why the Bible commands that young men and women avoid sex before marriage. This is to protect them both from the dangers of promiscuity. The problem is that our modern culture is set up to encourage most young people, even Christians, into exploring before cleaving. This sets up many young women to be used by men of a reasonably high status for their temporary enjoyment, and it sets up many young men to find themselves being trapped by the very kind of woman that Solomon warns about. The Bible’s advice is not prudish, but it is prudence.

What is the difference you ask?

Well, ‘prudish’ is a slang term for someone who is “easily shocked by matters relating to sex or nudity…or…excessively concerned with sexual propriety…” But can you call a book wherein God commands a prophet to walk around naked, another prophet to marry a prostitute, and which uses the words “whore”, “harlot”, or “prostitute”, in hundreds of references “easily shocked by matters relating to sex”? Of course not. God is all seeing, which means he has seen it all, and his word speaks about these things without embarrassment so that we can be led in the right direction and away from certain danger, which is what prudence refers to. A prudent person is someone who shows care and thoughtfulness for the future.

If you allow yourself to become trained to be a simp, to be ensnared by the porn star, then you are training yourself to be exposed by the harlot to this kind of weakness with women. So, to prevent this, you need to be “master of your own domain.” Rather than simp after the “loud and rebellious” woman, you need to shun her from your life. You should aim to be married at a young age, so you can build as much of your life with your wife together as possible. But it is better to take your time to master your own domain, so that when you are searching for a woman you are clear headed, and not in as much danger of being the life-long-simp that so many men become.

Porn should not just be avoided because it is immoral. Though that should be reason enough. It should also be avoided because it weakens your ability to be the clear-headed, respectable man, that a woman will want to submit herself to for life, and live under your frame. A man who can control himself and not be walked all over.

Why do you think that the self-proclaimed feminist CEO of Only Fans describes the site as “lucrative and empowering” particularly for women? Because it trains young men to become life-long simps. It trains them to think that living under the thumb of a contentious woman is what marriage is.

Why do you think the Rolling Stones is concerned that men shunning porn is a right-wing phenomenon?

Because avoiding the trappings of porn and masturbation helps men break out from under the spell of what could turn them into life-long simps. A man who diminishes himself in this way is much more likely to fall into a relationship with a woman who uses sex to draw him in and then use it to dominate him for life.

When feminists and progressives basically confirm what Solomon says, but from the opposite direction, you should really listen to him.

But many people reading this will be thinking, “How does this help me with my difficult wife? I am already living in this kind of situation.” You are right, my article here is more preventative than directed at transforming an already broken marriage. The correlation between a woman who constantly berates her husband and one who has turned down the sexual tap over time, is very high. So, what is your recourse?

Well, remember, look at what Solomon repeats and therein you will find wisdom. In Proverbs 21:9 Solomon says this, “9 Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”

Just in case the message has not landed he says again in Proverbs 21:19, “19 Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.”

And for those who are particularly hard of hearing, he again says in Proverbs 25:24, “24 It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”

Three times Solomon writes the same thing. He slightly changes the illustration, but he repeats the same principle three times. If your marriage has descended from a relationship of mutual love and regular affection initiated and reciprocated on both sides, into a situation where the wife is constantly at you and has nothing but contempt for you, then you need to be willing to live anywhere but with her.

In fact, many men find that when they make this decision that is often when things start to turn around. Hence, being willing to shun the contentious woman and live somewhere else, ironically, is one of the more effective ways of reigning in the contentious woman.

Of course, this is not guaranteed to be successful and is often not. Solomon speaks more in principles than in promises. Some marriages are just too far gone, even he recognizes this, “15 A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike; 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, And grasps oil with his right hand” (Prov. 27:15). Sometimes you have failed to assert yourself for too long, or worse, you have made so many mistakes in your marriage that she cannot bring herself back into fellowship with you because all love and marital duty has been drained and the affection that was once there is long gone.

But even if it does not work, Solomon’s words are wise. Some people will say you have to stay and serve her, and live like roommates for life, even though what made your relationship a marriage is functionally dead. And yet Solomon says the opposite. Why?

Because the Bible has an insight into human nature that often those of us who follow its ways do not; until we have seen it applied properly at least. I think behind many, not all, but many contentious and unruly women is fear. Sometimes it is not this, it is just a bad woman. But, remember, I said in my first piece in this series, that any woman can become the bad, or difficult, wife if her husband sows enough negativity. Some women react to this by becoming the difficult wife. It is not what they want to be, it is not what they intended to be, and driving the man away is not their end goal. Sometimes seeing the consequences of her speaking to her husband this way, as he plans to live in his tent somewhere else, will bring her to repentance.

So, sometimes, to save your marriage, you have to be willing to shun it. It sounds counterintuitive. But I think this is at least part of what Solomon’s advice points to, and I have seen this applied in this way, and I have seen it turn things around.

As I said, this is not a guarantee. But then in this fallen world you can do everything right and still things can go wrong. Such is living on this side of paradise…

…Till next time, God bless you.  

List of Refences.

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[1] Andrew Marshall, et. al. 2024, Only Fans Exposed, https://www.reuters.com/investigates/special-report/onlyfans-sex-origins/

Busybodies – When Nature Gets Inverted

 

One day someone is going to do a study that confirms something Paul hints at in the Bible: the higher the proportion of single women in government, the more it will meddle in your life.

“11 But refuse to enroll younger widows, for when their passions draw them away from Christ, they desire to marry 12 and so incur condemnation for having abandoned their former faith. 13 Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not. 14 So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander. 15 For some have already strayed after Satan.” (1 Tim. 5:11-15).

Women are created to micromanage the home life of their children and grandchildren. This is an important part of how God created them. It is a necessary skill that allows them to create a nurturing environment where their children can learn to be the people that society needs them to be. This takes care, constant oversight, and intentional thought. Mothers need to be involved in the daily lives of their children.

But take these same women out of the home and give them an annual budget, government power, and too much time on their hands? Well, you get the modern West. A society which has governments that meddles in everything. I am predicting that someone will find this correlation sooner or later.

Many Women Love Porn

 

There is a myth that porn is a problem only for men.

But entire genres of literature have been overtaken by literary porn, dressed in medieval fantasy trappings, or 19th century cultural settings, written exclusively for women. In fact, the problem is so bad that many sub genres of fiction have simply become avenues of selling porn to women, and it is taking over the publishing industry.  

I remember being at the beach one day with the family and just looking around and seeing countless women reading the same famous female author who is known for literary porn.

The picture in the article was chosen by the editors for a reason; obviously many other people have seen the same thing.

It has become acceptable for women to dress in barely anything and publicly consume porn. At places where people take their families. Many people don’t realize how sexualized ancient Roman society was. Before the rise of Christianity sexually explicit imagery was plastered all over Greek and Roman cities. This is the natural default of the European peoples, because their cultures were transformed by Christian modesty. What we consider progress today, scantily clad women openly consuming porn in public, is actually a regression to our pre-Christian ancestors’ ways.  

This stuff ruins men and women equally. It will reach into your love life and turn it into a barren wasteland, if you let it consume you, and do not repent of it.  

Consuming porn is like consuming junk food, it ruins your appetite for good food. However, ask anyone who has removed most junk food from their diet for a time, they will tell you that most of the junk they used to eat has lost its appeal. Your body gets addicted to the chemical high of terrible food if eaten a lot. But a body used to healthy food rejects it. For example, give up soft drink for a while and then come back to it, it is hard to drink once you have gotten used to drinking much healthier drinks.

The same happens with porn. You can retrain yourself to find it rejectable. But it takes effort. It is worth the effort. Consuming this stuff is ruining relationships for men and women. It will ruin your relationship too, if you don’t stop.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T – How to Handle a Difficult Wife (Part 2)

 

“13 Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. 14 Let all that you do be done in love.”

1 Corinthians 16:13-14

(Read part one here).

You have all heard the song, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, that’s what your love means to me!” This song, Respect, is well known around the world as Aretha Franklin’s greatest hit. But what a lot of people do not know is that before this song was taken and retooled as a feminist anthem, it was written by a man and sung by a man, the great Otis Redding.

Redding is as famous as Franklin in his own right, and if you are not familiar with his music, but have seen Top Gun, you will probably remember his beautiful song Sitting on the Dock of the Bay. That song is pure goodness. Go listen to it now, you won’t regret it.  

But before he wrote that hit, another one of songs was Respect.

There is some debate over who originally wrote the song, but we know the lyrics were re-worked by Redding when he released the song. Before he sang about the beauty of sitting and watching the ships roll in, he sang about one of the inherent longings of the man for respect from his wife,

“[Verse 1]
What you want, honey, you got it
And what you need, baby, you got it
All I'm askin' is give me a little respect when I come home
Ooh, yeah
Hey, hey, hey
Yeah, now
Ooh, yeah…”[1]

The song is about a man who wants to give his wife anything she wants, everything she needs. He even says, “And I wanna give you all of my money”, so he does mean everything, and all he wants in return is some “respect”. There is some debate online about whether or not Otis meant to use “respect” as a euphemism for sex, as apparently this was one way this word was used as slang in the street culture of his day. 

However, even those who make this point, highlight how the end of the song really drives home also just how important plain old respect was to the man,

“[Outro]
Respect when I want it
Respect when I need it
Respect when I want it
Respect when I need it
Got to, got to have it
We got to have it
Got to, got to have it…”[2]

As one commentator has noted,

“In the coda that follows the final verse, Otis goes to work, wresting the word free of this narrow meaning, asserting his prerogative with an insistent determination that turns the song in its final moments into a plea for simple human dignity – "Respect is what I want! / Respect is what I need! / I got-ta got-ta have it! / Just give me some respect!" – that doesn't stop at mere discretion.”[3]

Take just a moment to meditate on the irony of a song about a man wishing for respect from his wife being turned into a feminist anthem, which is how many people remember this song to this day. It is incredible what feminism can subvert, isn’t it; to the impure nothing is sacred. Maybe sit on the dock at the bay and ponder this for a bit.

But then just sit back and consider how this song highlights two things very well: First, just how much a man wants his wife to respect him for who he is, what he does, and how he provides. But also, that simply expecting her to do so is often wishful thinking, and also counterproductive. The song encapsulates how many men think, “Well I provide, therefore my wife should respect me.” And she should. It is common decency. It is not something that should be taken for granted.  

But how many people respect those who provide them with stuff without accountability? The government provides, doesn’t it? How many people respect their welfare providers, man or woman? In fact, the less the government demands of them to receive their welfare cheques, the more contemptible their opinion of their provider will be.

You might think that my example paints many wives in a bad light, but that is not the case. How many men have started their complaint to a friend about an impending divorce, that they did not see coming, with this statement, “But I was a good provider!” I am sure you were. I am sure you can relate to Redding’s song, deeply, “All I'm askin' is give me a little respect when I come home.” But the truth is the man who puts himself in the position of begging for respect is only going to be increasingly viewed with contempt. You can’t demand respect, you have to command it by how you carry yourself, and what you expect from your loved ones.

We all know the difference between “demand” and “command.” But perhaps I should illustrate it to make it clearer. There were those bosses, or teachers in school, we all had that tried to be our friends, and when that failed they over-corrected and demanded respect. But it did not work. The more they demanded it, the less we gave it. Then there were those bosses, or teachers in school, whose boundaries were knew from the start. Their boundaries were clear and reasonable, and we therefore had respect for from early on. And that respect grew over time.

This contrast between the one who “demands” respect and who “commands” respect is such a common trope in our culture that it is all through the fiction we consume. You can hardly see a military movie without them presenting some young Lieutenant who keeps demanding respect and not getting it, while some Sargent, Warrant Officer, or higher ranked officer, is inherently given respect by his men. Countless movies use this stereotype, precisely because it is all too commonly experienced in life. We have all experienced people who fit into both these categories.

The one who begs for respect, or seeks to demand it, will have contempt returned, in increasing measure. In the context of the military unit an officer can correct this by simply showing himself capable in his role. But part of how he does this is by proving himself competent AND having clear boundaries of what he expects and will not tolerate. Boundaries for how you will be treated AND how you will treat others consistently with that standard, really matter.

A man who wants respect need to recognize this. You command respect not by shouting that you deserve it, but by showing you should be respected. If early in your marriage your wife starts speaking down to you, or contemptuously towards you, and you simply allow it, or worse, you just beg for her to stop it, you will likely develop into the man with the unruly wife over time. This is not good for you, her, your kids, or even society.

Most women have within them the capacity to be a good wife, or a bad wife. Even a good woman has the sinful nature, as do you, and if this sinful nature is fed, your beautiful, loving, and submissive wife can become your tyrant, and then you can find yourself, like so many other men, wondering why you provide so well, but are treated poorly.

So, ask yourself, if your wife talks down to you in front of her friends or your friends, will you just ignore it, or will you look her calmly in the eyes and say, “Don’t!”? Will she know that to speak of you in that way is not to be tolerated? Not, that she cannot share her mind, or her opinion, or anything like that, of course she can and will. But if she disagrees with you, she knows to bring it to you at the proper time?

A good woman will want to speak her husband up in front of her friends and his friends. But what if she has friends who influence her to do otherwise? How will you address that? A woman’s friends can mean the difference between a good marriage and a terrible marriage. Some men do many of the right things, but because they take no care to their wife’s social activities, they get blindsided. Are you making sure that you both spend time with people who will model respect between husbands and wives?

Remember Paul said this to Titus in the passage we looked at in our previous piece, “6 Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded,…” (Titus 2:6). Why do you think in the context of husbands and wives, that Paul tells young men to be “sober-minded”? It is because young men can be a bit silly, a bit daft, and a bit reckless. And if you approach what you tolerate in your marriage with a silly mindset, you could start patterns between you and your wife that may never be turned back away.

Are you willing to walk out of room, or a social gathering, rather than be disrespected by your wife?

Are you willing to live in such a way that you are easier to respect?

Does your wife reciprocate the respect you make sure that she experiences?

Yes, providing, giving money, being that kind of man in some ways should be enough to get respect from a thankful wife. But if your wife works, why would she need to respect your ability to provide? Also, there are plenty of men who can provide, and probably a lot more than you can, as a lot of man learn from painful experience. Why should you be respected for doing something that you would have to do if you were single anyway? Sure, over time many women will generally come to appreciate their man’s provision. But not always, and sometimes it is how he commands respect in other ways that actually builds that appreciation.

Do you see the conundrum young men? There is often a disconnect between what you think should get you respect, and what actually will. There is a reason that the bad boy, who might not even hold a steady job, has plenty of interest from women, when the solid middle manager on a decent income might not have had a second date in several years.

Do you have the temperament that commands respect? Does your wife look to you and feels secure in your arms? Do you have the ambition that will build a life where your wife is able to thrive and be freed from many of the burdens that modern women face? Does she see other men look at you with respect?

This where I bring in church again. Many men get their professional respect at work, and maybe in some social environments with their friends. But Church, alongside of also giving you the chance to fellowship with believers and be challenged about how to be a better man of God, gives you the chance to have your wife see how other mean evaluate you in the context of a group dynamic. Especially if their husband does the right thing at home, and then leads in the context of the gathering in some way. If your wife is a true and genuine believer, this will make a difference to how she views you. Every woman, whether or not they believe in Jesus, wants to see her husband respected by other men; the difference is simply that Christian women, who take the Bible seriously, reframe that within a Christian framework and context. But the same principles apply across the board in other social contexts. 

Note though men, that living in a way that commands respect needs to be consistent. If you are one thing in one environment, and another in the other environment, those closest to you will lose respect for you. That is one of the reasons we often see men who appeared to be notable guys in the church, lose their marriages. Along with what we spoke about in part one of this series, the disconnect in his behaviour bred contempt in the home.

Now, someone at this point might want to exclaim, “Matt, that song was talking about sex, not respect. Men are sex obsessed, that is what he wanted!”

But stop, pause and reflect on this: how much does a woman want to go to bed passionately with a man that she does not respect? It is a turn, off, isn’t it. We all know this. Whereas a man she respects, looks up to, and admires, is a man she is also more attracted to. There is a reason some women leave their husbands for their boss, or other men in authority over them. Because this dynamic of respect matters.

It should not surprise us, then, that the street culture in Redding’s day brought “sex” and “respect” together, because they are very closely linked in a marriage relationship. Show me a marriage where, for whatever reason, a woman does not respect her husband, and I will show you either a sexless, or very low sex marriage. This is not rocket science.

Men, you need to understand that if you present a compelling banner under which your wife can reframe her own life, your chances of ever having the difficult wife decrease massively. If you already have a difficult wife, this is going to be a lot harder for you to achieve, because she is holding probably a lifetime of your failures to lead, or inability to set adequate boundaries, against you, as these mistakes cause women to feel unsafe. But the sooner you start to be wise and seek to be a man of respect in the home, and outside, the more chance you have of turning things around.

List of References

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[1] Respect Lyrics, https://genius.com/Otis-redding-respect-lyrics

[2] Ibid.

[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Respect_(song)

How To Handle A Difficult Wife

“Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”

Proverbs 21:9.

As a pastor I have encountered many men whose lives are made to be a form of living hell because of their wives. These men usually handle it in different ways.

Some become absolute shells of men, who though they would get some measure of respect in their profession, anyone who sees them around their wife immediately recognizes who rules the roost, and they can see the visible signs of it in the man’s hunched shoulders. Think Richard, in Keeping Up Appearances.

Some men react badly to a badly behaving wife and seek to tyrant over their wives. These men can become abusive in direct response to years of sexual, emotional and relational coercion, and something snaps inside of them.

Some men adjust their understanding of masculinity. They rationalize it by concluding that their wife is an “alpha” and they are just happy to be married, and they give off a modicum of being content in the situation. These women write their husbands emails of complaint, and make the decisions for him, and he is content to let it happen. His wife, or more often he, will generally tell people that he is the head, but she is the neck. Every now and then you will see a shadow in this man’s eye of pain at the level of disrespect he experiences on a daily basis.

Another subset of this previous group is men who are so lazy, emotionally, relationally, and in various other ways, that they actually do genuinely enjoy that their wife is the leader. It is easier. They have less conflict, because he simply concedes, “Yes, dear.” He probably even believes that men who say he should lead are at best closet misogynists, and he will avidly advocate his situation to anyone who asks. “We are a team,” he says, knowing full well that his wife is the Captain and the Referee.

To summarize, I have encountered more men who are dominated by their wives, than men who are abusive. And I expect the numbers are far more weighted in that direction than we realize, because women are far more likely to talk about their situations than men are, and there is very little, if any, stigma for a woman to share about an abusive husband. Even in our claimed egalitarian age, it is still quite shameful for a man to admit to not being the man of his house. So many men suffer in silence and are often shut up when they try to speak.

What I want to do in this piece is address how to avoid falling into such a situation. I want to give some practical advice to men about how to stop their wife from becoming a difficult woman. It is my contention, that in the right context, most women can become the difficult woman. But it is not my contention that this is necessarily the man’s fault. Women have agency, and this is often ignored by people who discuss these issues. However, that does not mean there are not things that a man can do to change that likelihood, and balance things in favour of a submissive and comparative godly wife.

As for men whose wives have already completely subjected them? Well, perhaps they can implement some of this as well. But their job is harder, much harder. Life long relational patterns are hard to break out of, they do not develop overnight, nor come out of nowhere. Not every man is a leader, and not every man has the ability to change his environment. A leopard cannot change its spots, right? But God can do miracles. We live in light of these two realities. Just recognize that men in both of these situations are going to have to prepare themselves for conflict. Both, because it will happen, and secondly, because you don’t want to go too far. There are plenty of men who have gone too far in seeking to reign in a domineering woman, and they have suffered the loss of any moral authority as a result. So, be wise gentlemen.

I want to begin with something Paul says in Titus. He gives this advice to the younger church leader,

“1 But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: 2 that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience; 3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— 4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. 6 Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded,…” (Titus 2:1-6).

This is advice for a church leader, on what he is to teach about the character of various groups within society. There are some great principles for us to draw from here in beginning this discussion.

Firstly, men, if you want to avoid your wife becoming the difficult woman, you need to recognize how much almost every woman in this society has been robbed of the kind of environment they needed to become the kind of wives that Paul envisions in this passage. For one, whether they were raised in the Church or not, they have almost certainly been raised to either not know what this passage says, or, in the case of many Christians, to actively reject it, and call some of its elements outdated and sexist. Hence, from a very early age, the vast majority of women have been raised, either explicitly or implicitly, to rebel against being the submissive woman.

The vitriol I have heard in the mouths of some women about that term “submission” is incredible. I can bring to mind various examples, but I was once sitting at a conference lunch table just listening to the conversation around me, and the way one of the women just spat out how much she hated teaching which said women should submit to husbands, was quite telling. Especially considering it had nothing to do with any of the conference talks. I had no idea how the topic came up. She is only one example. I have seen this countless times.

Men, look at this, “3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things…” You need to recognize that most older women that surrounded your potential wife or wife as they developed into a woman did not fall into any of these categories. Women like Paul describes do exist. I know plenty, but you have to look for them. In fact, our culture kind of likes to brag about women not being reverent. It rewards women who slander either their competition or even the men in their life, for at least sympathy from their friends, or worse, to gain his possessions. The winebibbing older woman is a staple represented in film and media. And “teachers of good things…” What have the vast majority of women been given over to teaching, since feminism became the dominant ideology, not just of our women, but of society in general?

So, you need to start from this basis: the woman in your life, who you want to marry, or are married to, has been terribly robbed by a culture that had no intention of teaching her how to be a good wife. In fact, the term “the good wife” has become a derogatory term in our modern culture.[1] So successful has been the Luciferian inspired feminist movement, that even many Christians think of the biblical wife as a lesser thing. You need to start from this basis. Just assume that, to some degree, your wife’s social context, her education, likely her family environment, and more, are antagonistic in some way towards her being the kind of wife you might have expected.

What Paul advises is that the older women need to be “reverent” and “teachers of good things…” He is not contradicting his teaching in other letters where he says that men should direct the teaching in the church, because he goes on to explain what he means, “4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,…” In other words, Paul is saying that the older women need to be respectfully focused on teaching the younger women to fulfill their role. How the church needs this today, in increasing measure.

Hence, men, now that you have recognized that your wife has been robbed of the kind of encouragements and upbringing that most women of previous generations got, you need to find a church environment where she is going to be surrounded by older women who will teach her these things. If, and these women do exist, she learnt this from her mother and her mother is still a part of her life, then that is a boon to you. That is something to celebrate. Feminism has not achieved full acceptance in every household, hence there are oases in this cultural desert. But still, you need be intentional about this.

You need to recognize that that the divorce rate in the churches being roughly similar to the divorce rate in the culture is not an accident. It comes about in large part because most Christians simply do not have a Christian worldview. I cannot get this across to you strongly enough, you need to know this, the men I know who are going through either the destruction of their marriage or their marriage turning into a sexless wasteland, all have something in common: they usually stopped going to church, meaning that their wife’s social context got shrunk down to her co-workers and other secular contexts. And many of them were part of churches where the women were dominant over the men, and hence their church context was not very different to secular contexts anyway.

A lot of men think they don’t need church. And, there are probably a small minority of Christian couples out there who are in this situation who can keep a relatively good marriage, while living an unbalanced Christian lifestyle; for it is impossible to be a healthy Christian and ignore the one-another passages in the Bible, that assume we are living in the context of the fellowship of believers. But the overwhelming observational evidence points to the opposite effect. Men, you might not feel the need for church. Your desire for interaction with other people, with whom you disagree on a host of things will likely go down as you age. But if your wife is disconnected from an environment where other women are going to teach her how to better love and respect you, then you will suffer for it. Many men overlook this, and they suffer as a result.

Similarly, if you are in a church environment which encourages your wife to live like the world, it will have a similar effect. I have lost count of the number of men who have told me that their wife’s divorced friends have ruined their own marriage. This is a well-known phenomenon. The reason that divorce statistics are as high in the church as outside, is simply because many Christians ignore what the Bible says about marriage and think that flying a Jesus bumper sticker on their car will make all the difference. But it won’t. Christianity is not the religion of lucky charms. As much as this kind of thinking often seeps back in. Exceptional men might be able to make up the difference themselves, the average Christian man needs this environment for wife to aid him and wife in their marriage.

You need to be intentional about spending serious amounts of time with other families who take what Paul says to Titus seriously. And, if the pastor’s wife, or elder’s wives, scorn what the scriptures say here, then you can be certain that your chances of facing a world of hurt in marriage will increase. Hence, to avoid having a difficult wife find a church gathering where the older women “admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,…” It is more important than cool music. It is more important than a cool youth program. It is more important than many of the surface things people look for in the church. And those surface things can exist within a church that does this well, but they do not necessarily go together.

You might find it strange that Titus has to “teach or admonish” the older women to love their husbands. But just consider how many women will kill their children in the womb given the chance? Now consider how many women will kick out the father of their children if given the chance? Here are just two indications that Paul, through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, understood that loving her children and husband is something that a lot of women need coaching and teaching in. Just as many men need to be trained to love their wife. Paul also shows us that it is older women who will be the primary teachers in this role, not their husbands. It is natural for women to seek the counsel of other, wiser, older women. If your wife is surrounded by bad women, then you will suffer. You will both suffer.

This goes just as much for her being chaste and discreet. There is a bit of a misunderstanding in our culture that men are more obsessed with sex than women. Two things show this is not the case, 1) Go to the beach and look at how most women will dress if social pressure or character does not restrain them, and 2) Look at how women’s soft, and not so soft, porn dominates that reading market. Women and men are both created to be and are sexual creatures. If your wife does not have good influences in this regard, there is a strong possibility she will put herself on display for other men. This culture has trained her to do it.

If a husband has an attractive and desirable wife, which all men want, other men will be interested in her. There is nothing you can do about that. But you can challenge her flirting with them. But even better if she has responsible, attractive and reverent older women to challenge her in this regard for you. A lot of women want to be good wives, but as women are highly social creatures that are very impressionable by their environment, they can come under terrible influences from their friends. Be thoughtful about this. Her flirtatious, vivacious personality might have drawn you to her, but if this is not properly turned into discretion in your marriage, you might find yourself in for real trouble. There are countless men who do not give two hoots that she is your wife. She needs direction from wiser women on this as well.

And, of course, this last one is rejected by most Christians: “good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.” I could tell you stories of even pastor’s wives who scorn this one. I could tell you accounts of older men and women who think this is too limiting for their grand-daughters or daughters. But I don’t have to. You know this one is under attack from society and the church. Some consider it sexist, out of date advice, others consider it an unachievable goal that pastors should be embarrassed to hold to, because it is out of reach to most working people today. Others just don’t care what the Bible says, whether Christian or not, and still others would like to follow this command but don’t know how.

If your wife is in an environment where the women scorn this verse, remind yourself that she and her friends were robbed of the culture that trained women to do this well, and acknowledge how she and you are being robbed, at the present moment, by our culture. Titus would not have to tell older women to teach this to younger women, if it just came by nature. It doesn’t, at least not all of it. Humans have some level of inborn instinct, but most of what we learn has to be taught, and it can be untaught between the generations.

The culture of women being culture-bearers in the home has been effectively cut off. Even many women who would like to do this find themselves struggling to find other women to partner in doing it with them, because all their friends work during the day. Many of them are having to learn the skills of being productive in the home from scratch. Even simple things like nutritional, affordable, meals, is a skill many women are re-learning. If you just ask your wife to be a homemaker, which is her role and you both believe it is, but you leave her to figure out all this on her own, then you might find her getting frustrated and restless in the home, and this has caused many problems for families and husbands. Even the desire to do things God’s way can go wrong without good discipleship.

I find it interesting how many women who do homeschooling, for instance, want to join co-ops of other women to help their kids learn in community. I thought it was supposed to be about schooling in the home? Often, these groups fracture, because you have highly independent minded people seeking to come together for a joint effort, a bit like Baptist church plants. But the reason they do this is because of the strong desire for the women’s village that most women grew up in, throughout history. Our society has stripped that away from most women, and so doing things God’s way can be a lot harder. Just like it is harder for a man to keep a pure mind when half the women around him dress like they are selling themselves…which in many ways they are.

You need to actively make sure you are reinforcing these standards in your home, but that you are in an environment, where others will reinforce them for you. And, by the grace of God, your wife will develop into the kind of woman who can help train other women in this. Which is why it is important to note that Paul says this to young men, “6 Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded…” It is a very brief statement, compared to what he says for the young women. But consider what he is saying.

Many young men do not approach life in a serious way. In fact, many men take some time to develop into their masculine role of providers and guardians of their home. This is why car insurance is more expensive for young men, well into their 20’s. But the sooner you learn to approach these things seriously and diligently, the better off you will be.

But this also helps a man with his wife. Because his wife is much more likely to take him seriously, if he takes himself seriously. She is also much more like to take him seriously if other men, and other women, take him seriously. Men who cut their family and their wives off from a good church, often get themselves in trouble in this area. Women like to see their men flourish amongst other men. A lot of men think all they need to do is their job and centre their life around their wife. But these men show they have no understanding for feminine nature. Women want to see their husband measure up well against other men. If he doesn’t, this diminishes her view of him, and he is more likely to find he has a difficult wife. This one happens so often. Sure, there are exceptions, they can be found in the comments sections of discussions like this across the world. But don’t think you are so special as to be among the exceptions, you likely won’t be.  

Take yourself seriously, take your faith seriously, take your wife’s social environment seriously. Many men think more to the social environment of their kids than their wife, and that is their biggest mistake. They often don’t even realize it is a mistake until their kids are out of the home and the wife has gone off to discover herself, because her reading club, or co-workers convinced her to, that it is her right.

A lot more could be said about this issue. Men, you have been failed by our culture too, in many ways. Especially in the area of learning how to steward a wife. Most people are never taught this, and the most they learn is from their home environment, which can be hit and miss. And in a culture of broken homes is much more miss than hit.

I just want to briefly mention one more area before I conclude: sex.

Solomon says this,

“15 Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well. 16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. 20 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?” (Prov. 5:15-20).

Many men think that the key to pleasing their wife is being subservient to her. But it is not. I believe women are partially hardwired to joyfully follow a good man, if she is trained by other women to do this well. I say partially because the fall has corrupted men and women. I think if a man follows the principles in this article, that come from scripture, his wife is more likely to want to follow him, and they are more likely to forge together well.

But don’t neglect sex in this equation, either. God has conditioned us to desire sex, enjoy sex and even regularly crave sex, both men and women – unless of course something has gone terribly wrong, which can happen in this world. If you build a healthy physical craving for each other, by stewarding this well early in your marriage, it will help bond you both together. Some men ruin this with porn, or he or his wife put on weight, or the wife’s desire is ruined by anti-depressants, or some other issues can get in the way. But if you are diligent in being “enraptured” in each other’s love, you will likely still have conflict, but you will come back together as one.

This area is overlooked as a powerful remedy to conflict. A woman who sexually desires her husband is much more willing to want to follow him. She might get things wrong. You might get things wrong. But work, intentionally, to stir up this desire. It will help you more than you know.

If this tap has run dry in your marriage, you will already know how it draws a chasm between both of you. This means you will have to work harder to get back to where you should be. But I think these principles can set you on the right track to getting back to a good place.

Of course, you can seek to do the right things, and your marriage can still fail. We live on the wrong side of paradise, so things can still go wrong. I do not believe that because a woman turns bad it is guaranteed to be her husband’s fault. It can be. But it could also be that you married a bad one. They exist too. But generally speaking, there are good and wise things a man can do to help his marriage have a better chance of success, and telling him to be more of a domesticated and neutered servant, based on a demented understanding of “laying down his life”, is the wrong advice.  

List of References

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[1] https://www.fastslang.com/good-wife

We Were Once A Saner Society

 

In the 1995 Blue Heelers aired an episode of the show that demonstrated, rather powerfully,  that both men and women could be violently abusive. 

The episode was called, Breaking the Cycle, from season 2, episode 34. 

Watching Blue Heelers is like travelling back in time to when Australia was more sane, more sensible, more reasonable, and...more Australian. 

These days, if a promiment person said domestic violence can go both ways, they are pilloried from post to post, until they go quiet. The feminist captured media, which is often lobbied by groups that receive funding to highlight one side of the problem, quickly react to any shifting of the narrative. Our country was once much more reasonable, about many things. 

I miss what our country once was. It was no utopia, ir was not perfect, but it was better, in many ways. Observable, and sometimes measurable, ways. 

Highlighting one side of the problem is unjust. As P J said, "You need to keep an open mind to get to the truth." 

Women are hurt, everyday. 

Men are hurt, everyday.

To deny there are two sides to domestic violence is simply to lie. 

Spider-Man Brand New Day A Review

 

So, I just saw the new Spider-Man movie, and I thought it was a blast. It was actually excellent. Not a perfect movie, but still excellent. This will be a partial spoiler review, so if you have not seen the movie, you might want to watch it first before reading through to the end. I will let you know when spoilers are about to come up.

 Spider-Man Brand New Day gives us something we all want from a superhero movie: A simple story about a guy just trying to do the right thing, and not necessarily getting rewarded for it. This strikes at the heart of the superhero genre; these heroes are not in it for glory, or accolades, or prestige, but because they just want to do the right thing. At least generally speaking they are, and Peter Parker is the archetype of the selfless guy who just wants to make his neighbourhood a safer place for the ordinary folk.

We don’t always need there to be a world-ending threat in these movies. We don’t need every superhero movie to be a mini-avengers movie where the entire Avengers team plays a role (though a couple do turn up in this movie). Sometimes we just want to see a decent hearted bloke kicking bad guys arses straight into prison. Brand-New Day gives us that, and we need more simple movies like that.

Even though this movie is simple, it is not without heart. Now, before I address that, I should note that there are many reviews going around online, especially on YouTube that are saying that this movie has too much in it. I even heard many of the reviewers I trusted the most make this accusation. But I just simply think they are wrong. Every plot device in the movie intersected, neatly. The various threads may seem to clash early on, but the director sowed them up very nicely as the movie goes on. By the end none of them are left hanging.

I think sometimes people just make criticisms of movies based on the reputation of their wider franchises. A lot of Marvel and D.C. movies are incredibly bloated, and a little chaotic. I feel like the later Thor movies and Guardian’s of the Galaxy movies suffered from that problem. But this one does not. It has a lot of slower moments that focus on character, and show us what Peter is going through, after having sacrificed everything he loved in the previous movie.

For contrast, I watched Lethal Weapon 4 not long after watching Spider-Man, and that movie was like the film equivalent of ADD on steroids. I was actually shocked how over-the-top it was. It was relentless, in your face, and filled with too much. It gave you no down moments to catch your breath. It has a fun pay off, but a lot of the characters in the movie are just obnoxious. It was actually interesting to see a Marvel movie, which is a type of movie known for being over-the-top hyperactive entertainment, actually have more down time and serious character moments compared to an action movie from the 90’s. In fact, in many ways the Marvel movie format that people have come to criticize, really models itself off the buddy cop movies of the 90’s. But some went even further with it.

Also, this movie let’s serious moments land, without feeling like it needs to instantly tell a joke afterwards, which is good.

As I said this movie has heart.

Firstly, it had a meaningful primary theme: That a man or woman who isolates themself cannot be fully human. Or will even become inhuman. This is a necessary message in this day and age. Following people on social media is not replacement for true human connection. I have a feeling this movie is doing so well, especially amongst, Zoomers, because many of them can relate to feeling like many of their relationships just exist via online spaces. Us millennials can remember a world without the internet being a part of everyone’s everyday life. Many of us did not have computers till we were in high school. But in many ways the younger generations have been robbed of that world. Having Peter seeking connection through the online space, because he feels alone, is something a lot of people would relate to today.

(If you do, go to church, at least you will meet people).

The movie also highlights how people who feel like they carry a heavy burden can choose to isolate themselves in an unhealthy way. The longer they carry that burden alone, the more it can isolate them, and actually diminish their humanity. People were created to flourish in true community. It smooths off our edges and helps us handle our burdens. Pastor’s, teachers, and other leaders could do well to meditate on this, and not seek to do everything on their own, or carry their burdens alone. It can lead you to an unhealthy place.

(Again, join a good church, and build community, there are less and less places you can still do that today).

Prior to watching the movie, I thought it was a shame they did not move on from Zendaya's MJ and Peter’s friend Ned. I found most of their scenes in the previous movies at best neutral, and sometimes annoying. But after seeing the movie, I have to say it was clever how they used them both to add emotional weight to Peter’s story line. Well, clever and a bit lazy.

What I mean by that is that if they moved on to other love interests and other side-kick friends, they would have had to do some extra leg work to create that emotional depth. Whereas, by relying on everybody’s knowledge of Peter’s history with MJ and Ned, they can get you invested in what he is going through much easier. It also helps keep the fans happy who loved the interactions of all three of those characters in the previous movies. So, it was clever.  

In fact, I think Spider-Man does so well, precisely because people care about Holland’s Peter Parker, and Zendaya’s MJ, and they want to see what happens next in their adventures. Whatever you think of Henry Cavill or David Corenswet as Superman, it was obviously a mistake for Gunn to just end the Cavill era and start again. People like legacy characters played by legacy actors for a reason, they have come to identify with them over time. Marvel has used this nostalgia well with Spider-Man, Wolverine and other characters. The way this movie went, it naturally sets up a new possible trilogy where Spider-Man has to get back some of his old life. Almost like a soft reboot, which is clever serial storytelling. The exact sort of thing they do in a 7 season T.V. to keep people coming back.

It needs to be said that Tom Holland nailed it as Spider-Man and Peter Parker. He captured the honour and struggle of the delta's hero journey well. What I mean by delta, is the ordinary guy. Not the Alpha, but a guy who just wants to do his job and do it well. Guys like this don’t necessarily get all the accolades in society, but they are the kinds of guys who make everybody else’s lives easier, because they make sure things are done well. Peter Parker is the ultimate delta superhero, who just wants to be with the one love of his life, but also wants her to be safe. And he doesn’t seek glory for himself.

Ok, time to bring in some spoilers.

The Punisher is a big part of this movie, played by Jon Bernthal. He played well off Spider-Man in every scene he is in. I would say that we need more PG - 13 Punisher buddy cop style movies with Spider-Man. Their chemistry is great. And who needs any other filth fests like the Deadpool movies? No, thanks. Don’t get me wrong, I would like to see The Punisher do a proper punisher movie, but having him play of Spider-Man reminded me of some of the best buddy cop movies of the 90’s, and I miss that sort of movie, at least when it is done well.

The scenes with the new Black Widow were just awkward and not really necessary. They could have written them out and the movie would not have missed them, or her.

The Hulk was actually the Hulk again, for a moment. Watching the Punisher come at him with a machine gun pretty funny. But it works in the scene.

The villain, Jean Gray, in this movie was pretty good. She even managed to emulate the demon from Denzel Washington’s Fallen at points in this movie, which was both creepy, and done very well to show what Pete was up against. But there needed to be more accountability. She kills heaps of people throughout the movie, and then the movie just ends with her being let off scot-free because she did it all to try and find her sister. Marvel clearly has an accountability problem with female villains, because this same sort of thing has happened in some of their other female villain story-lines. Sure, Jean Gray saves Peter’s life, but that does not bring back the people she murdered. Also, why did she not just stake out the person she was after and go straight through him to achieve her goal? Probably, because then the movie would have taken 20 minutes.

So, as I said, the movie is not perfect, but it is good. We can overlook some imperfect plot points. After all, without Indiana Jones the Nazis would not have found the Ark of the Covenant, but we overlooked that element of the movie and still had fun watching it. Right?

The CG was good. The acting was good. And I would say that this is the best Spider-Man movie since Spider-Man 2 with Toby McGuire. You can’t beat that train scene in that movie. No scene in any comic book movie comes close, in my opinion. However, this movie still did a very good job. In fact, this movie was clearly in part inspired by that movie, but instead of losing his powers, Peter’s powers are enhanced, because he is losing himself because of his isolation. Toby McGuire’s Spider-Man even gets a mention. Hence, this movie does have some of the same beats at Spider-Man’s best outing so far.

All round; this was a good time. And it is good to see a string of great male led hero movies doing well this year. Maybe Hollywood is learning its lessons.

I will be doing a video review on my YouTube channel tonight, as well. Here.