I once heard
a preacher say that whatever God repeats, that is something he wants us to pay real
attention to. This is a very common teaching technique. Every teacher knows
that much of what they say will not be retained by the person they are speaking
to, so something which makes sense to do in every sermon, or every Bible study,
or every teaching opportunity, is to make sure most of what you say reinforces
the message you want to stick in people’s minds. So, when the Bible repeats
something, you know that it wants us to pay attention.
We see this
in the book of Proverbs, and especially on the topic of the dangerous, or
contentious woman. If you read Proverbs 1-9 you will see that there is losts of
advice for a young man to protect himself from the bad woman. For example, in
Proverbs 7 we read,
“7
My son, keep my words,
And
treasure my commands within you.
2
Keep my commands and live,
And
my law as the apple of your eye.
3
Bind them on your fingers;
Write
them on the tablet of your heart.
4
Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”
And
call understanding your nearest kin,
5
That they may keep you from the immoral woman,
From
the seductress who flatters with her words.”
It is
important to teach our young men how to be respectful to young women, how to treat
younger women as sisters, as Paul the Apostle says, and to guard their sexual
desires until marriage. This is vital. But it needs to be noted that the Bible
spends more time warning young men about the dangerous harlot than many modern
Christians probably realize. Today, we are trained to think of men as the
sexually obsessed, and the woman as the sexual object. We have been taught this
by movies and other media. But the reality is far more complicated. There are
many women who take delight in weaponizing their sexuality to corrupt or even destroy
men.
It is true
that a lot of women in the porn industry are there because they have been
sexually groomed from a young age or even trafficked. This is a reality. But
Only Fans shows what happens when you create an almost free market and tell
people to gather a fanbase with whatever assets they have. What happens is that
women will turn that site into a porn star’s dream, direct access to their
simps whom they can exploit at will.
In fact, part
of how Only Fans markets itself is as a Feminist driven organization,
“As
it’s grown, OnlyFans has sought to use explicit content – its seemingly
bottomless source of revenue – as a springboard to greater scale, positioning
itself as a tech pioneer with a place among social media giants such as
Instagram and X. Key to that effort is making porn more socially acceptable and
distancing the company from the abuses often associated with the industry.
The
public face of OnlyFans is CEO Keily Blair, an Irish lawyer and self-described
feminist and “safety nerd” promoted to the top job in 2023. In public
appearances, Blair, 42, presents the platform as lucrative and empowering,
particularly for women, and often mentions her two daughters. “I want them to
have a good online life,” she told delegates at a UK child-protection
conference in 2023. “I want the same for your kids.”[1]
There is
often discussion in conservative and Christians circles that one of the reasons
that porn is so evil is because it exploits women, and we have to acknowledge
that this does happen. But less often is the other prominent side of the
problem with porn talked about; that a lot of women use it to exploit men,
particularly younger men. This discussion is changing, the language of simps is
used to described these men now, because many young men are becoming
increasingly aware of how they are exploited by porn. Many now know that they
are being exploited for their money, their time, their energy, and their
devotion. They are waking up to this reality.
When we read
Proverbs 7, we should immediately think of this kind of woman, a woman who
knows how to exploit the simple minded,
“6
For at the window of my house
I
looked through my lattice,
7
And saw among the simple,
I
perceived among the youths,
A
young man devoid of understanding,
8
Passing along the street near her corner;
And
he took the path to her house
9
In the twilight, in the evening,
In
the black and dark night.
10
And there a woman met him,
With
the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart.
11
She was loud and rebellious,
Her
feet would not stay at home” (Prov. 7:6-11).
Society is
replete with these kinds of dangerous women, and many young men are sent into
their embrace like lambs to the slaughter. In fact, in verses 21-22 of Proverbs
7 Solomon uses almost this exact imagery to describe the effect of these women
on young men.
But we should
not only think of the adulterous woman when we read this passage, or the porn
star, even though this certainly should be our primary application. We should
also think of the “loud and rebellious” woman who uses her sexuality to trap a
man in marriage and then rule over him.
There is a
stereotype of marriage, and just relationships in general, that a woman will
use her sexuality to trap a man in a committed relationship and once she has
achieved her goal, then she will drip feed sexual attention as a means of
control. This stereotype exists precisely because it does happen often. But we
should not see this as a stereotype of marriage as a whole, even though that is
how people do see it, we should, rather, see it as a stereotype of marriage
with the difficult woman. The difficult woman uses her sexuality to entrap a
man and then to rule over him.
There are
many men who live in this sort of arrangement, and they are relatively ok with
it. In fact, not only are they ok with it is, in their perspective it “just is
what it is.” In their view this is what marriage is. After all, the common
stereotype has told them that. As the joke often goes in sit coms, “When was
the last time you had sex?” “Are you kidding, I am married!” is the reply. If
you watch shows like Everybody Loves Raymond from the late 90’s you will see
how the media presented marriage as a relationship where a man longingly
desires for sexual attention and it is drip fed to him by his wife when he has
done the right thing and earnt it. Shows like this should be seen less as a
description of reality and more as an attempt to shape reality. But whichever
way you perceive it, there is this understanding in culture that marriage is in
general a sexual wasteland.
Why?
Because of
this idea that a woman will use sexuality to entrap a man into a relationship. And
the truth is that the difficult woman will do this. Many men have experienced
this.
This is why
this discussion of Proverbs 7 is so important for this third article in our
series about How to Handle a Difficult Wife. Solomon is warning men to watch
out for that woman. To watch out for the kind of woman who will use their
sexuality to entrap you. To watch out for the adulterous woman who says,
“18
Come, let us take our fill of love until morning;
Let
us delight ourselves with love.
19
For my husband is not at home;
He
has gone on a long journey;
20
He has taken a bag of money with him,
And
will come home on the appointed day” (Prov. 7:18-20).
To watch out
for the woman who will sell you her body online and trap you into a simping
relationship. To watch out for the woman who will honeytrap you into a
relationship.
There is a
reason why the Bible commands that young men and women avoid sex before
marriage. This is to protect them both from the dangers of promiscuity. The
problem is that our modern culture is set up to encourage most young people,
even Christians, into exploring before cleaving. This sets up many young women
to be used by men of a reasonably high status for their temporary enjoyment,
and it sets up many young men to find themselves being trapped by the very kind
of woman that Solomon warns about. The Bible’s advice is not prudish, but it is
prudence.
What is the
difference you ask?
Well,
‘prudish’ is a slang term for someone who is “easily shocked by matters
relating to sex or nudity…or…excessively concerned with sexual propriety…” But
can you call a book wherein God commands a prophet to walk around naked,
another prophet to marry a prostitute, and which uses the words “whore”,
“harlot”, or “prostitute”, in hundreds of references “easily shocked by matters
relating to sex”? Of course not. God is all seeing, which means he has seen it
all, and his word speaks about these things without embarrassment so that we
can be led in the right direction and away from certain danger, which is what
prudence refers to. A prudent person is someone who shows care and
thoughtfulness for the future.
If you allow
yourself to become trained to be a simp, to be ensnared by the porn star, then
you are training yourself to be exposed by the harlot to this kind of weakness
with women. So, to prevent this, you need to be “master of your own domain.”
Rather than simp after the “loud and rebellious” woman, you need to shun her
from your life. You should aim to be married at a young age, so you can build
as much of your life with your wife together as possible. But it is better to
take your time to master your own domain, so that when you are searching for a
woman you are clear headed, and not in as much danger of being the
life-long-simp that so many men become.
Porn should
not just be avoided because it is immoral. Though that should be reason enough.
It should also be avoided because it weakens your ability to be the
clear-headed, respectable man, that a woman will want to submit herself to for
life, and live under your frame. A man who can control himself and not be
walked all over.
Why do you
think that the self-proclaimed feminist CEO of Only Fans describes the site as
“lucrative and empowering” particularly for women? Because it trains young men
to become life-long simps. It trains them to think that living under the thumb
of a contentious woman is what marriage is.
Why do you
think the Rolling Stones is concerned that men shunning porn is a right-wing
phenomenon?
Because
avoiding the trappings of porn and masturbation helps men break out from under
the spell of what could turn them into life-long simps. A man who diminishes
himself in this way is much more likely to fall into a relationship with a
woman who uses sex to draw him in and then use it to dominate him for life.
When
feminists and progressives basically confirm what Solomon says, but from the
opposite direction, you should really listen to him.
But many
people reading this will be thinking, “How does this help me with my difficult
wife? I am already living in this kind of situation.” You are right, my article
here is more preventative than directed at transforming an already broken
marriage. The correlation between a woman who constantly berates her husband
and one who has turned down the sexual tap over time, is very high. So, what is
your recourse?
Well,
remember, look at what Solomon repeats and therein you will find wisdom. In
Proverbs 21:9 Solomon says this, “9 Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than
in a house shared with a contentious woman.”
Just in case
the message has not landed he says again in Proverbs 21:19, “19 Better to dwell
in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.”
And for those
who are particularly hard of hearing, he again says in Proverbs 25:24, “24 It
is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a
contentious woman.”
Three times
Solomon writes the same thing. He slightly changes the illustration, but he
repeats the same principle three times. If your marriage has descended from a
relationship of mutual love and regular affection initiated and reciprocated on
both sides, into a situation where the wife is constantly at you and has nothing
but contempt for you, then you need to be willing to live anywhere but with
her.
In fact, many
men find that when they make this decision that is often when things start to
turn around. Hence, being willing to shun the contentious woman and live
somewhere else, ironically, is one of the more effective ways of reigning in
the contentious woman.
Of course,
this is not guaranteed to be successful and is often not. Solomon speaks more
in principles than in promises. Some marriages are just too far gone, even he
recognizes this, “15 A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious
woman are alike; 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, And grasps oil
with his right hand” (Prov. 27:15). Sometimes you have failed to assert
yourself for too long, or worse, you have made so many mistakes in your
marriage that she cannot bring herself back into fellowship with you because
all love and marital duty has been drained and the affection that was once
there is long gone.
But even if
it does not work, Solomon’s words are wise. Some people will say you have to
stay and serve her, and live like roommates for life, even though what made
your relationship a marriage is functionally dead. And yet Solomon says the
opposite. Why?
Because the
Bible has an insight into human nature that often those of us who follow its
ways do not; until we have seen it applied properly at least. I think behind
many, not all, but many contentious and unruly women is fear. Sometimes it is
not this, it is just a bad woman. But, remember, I said in my first piece in
this series, that any woman can become the bad, or difficult, wife if her
husband sows enough negativity. Some women react to this by becoming the
difficult wife. It is not what they want to be, it is not what they intended to
be, and driving the man away is not their end goal. Sometimes seeing the
consequences of her speaking to her husband this way, as he plans to live in
his tent somewhere else, will bring her to repentance.
So,
sometimes, to save your marriage, you have to be willing to shun it. It sounds
counterintuitive. But I think this is at least part of what Solomon’s advice
points to, and I have seen this applied in this way, and I have seen it turn
things around.
As I said, this
is not a guarantee. But then in this fallen world you can do everything right
and still things can go wrong. Such is living on this side of paradise…
…Till next
time, God bless you.
List of
Refences.
