R.E.S.P.E.C.T – How to Handle a Difficult Wife (Part 2)

 

“13 Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. 14 Let all that you do be done in love.”

1 Corinthians 16:13-14

(Read part one here).

You have all heard the song, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, that’s what your love means to me!” This song, Respect, is well known around the world as Aretha Franklin’s greatest hit. But what a lot of people do not know is that before this song was taken and retooled as a feminist anthem, it was written by a man and sung by a man, the great Otis Redding.

Redding is as famous as Franklin in his own right, and if you are not familiar with his music, but have seen Top Gun, you will probably remember his beautiful song Sitting on the Dock of the Bay. That song is pure goodness. Go listen to it now, you won’t regret it.  

But before he wrote that hit, another one of songs was Respect.

There is some debate over who originally wrote the song, but we know the lyrics were re-worked by Redding when he released the song. Before he sang about the beauty of sitting and watching the ships roll in, he sang about one of the inherent longings of the man for respect from his wife,

“[Verse 1]
What you want, honey, you got it
And what you need, baby, you got it
All I'm askin' is give me a little respect when I come home
Ooh, yeah
Hey, hey, hey
Yeah, now
Ooh, yeah…”[1]

The song is about a man who wants to give his wife anything she wants, everything she needs. He even says, “And I wanna give you all of my money”, so he does mean everything, and all he wants in return is some “respect”. There is some debate online about whether or not Otis meant to use “respect” as a euphemism for sex, as apparently this was one way this word was used as slang in the street culture of his day. 

However, even those who make this point, highlight how the end of the song really drives home also just how important plain old respect was to the man,

“[Outro]
Respect when I want it
Respect when I need it
Respect when I want it
Respect when I need it
Got to, got to have it
We got to have it
Got to, got to have it…”[2]

As one commentator has noted,

“In the coda that follows the final verse, Otis goes to work, wresting the word free of this narrow meaning, asserting his prerogative with an insistent determination that turns the song in its final moments into a plea for simple human dignity – "Respect is what I want! / Respect is what I need! / I got-ta got-ta have it! / Just give me some respect!" – that doesn't stop at mere discretion.”[3]

Take just a moment to meditate on the irony of a song about a man wishing for respect from his wife being turned into a feminist anthem, which is how many people remember this song to this day. It is incredible what feminism can subvert, isn’t it; to the impure nothing is sacred. Maybe sit on the dock at the bay and ponder this for a bit.

But then just sit back and consider how this song highlights two things very well: First, just how much a man wants his wife to respect him for who he is, what he does, and how he provides. But also, that simply expecting her to do so is often wishful thinking, and also counterproductive. The song encapsulates how many men think, “Well I provide, therefore my wife should respect me.” And she should. It is common decency. It is not something that should be taken for granted.  

But how many people respect those who provide them with stuff without accountability? The government provides, doesn’t it? How many people respect their welfare providers, man or woman? In fact, the less the government demands of them to receive their welfare cheques, the more contemptible their opinion of their provider will be.

You might think that my example paints many wives in a bad light, but that is not the case. How many men have started their complaint to a friend about an impending divorce, that they did not see coming, with this statement, “But I was a good provider!” I am sure you were. I am sure you can relate to Redding’s song, deeply, “All I'm askin' is give me a little respect when I come home.” But the truth is the man who puts himself in the position of begging for respect is only going to be increasingly viewed with contempt. You can’t demand respect, you have to command it by how you carry yourself, and what you expect from your loved ones.

We all know the difference between “demand” and “command.” But perhaps I should illustrate it to make it clearer. There were those bosses, or teachers in school, we all had that tried to be our friends, and when that failed they over-corrected and demanded respect. But it did not work. The more they demanded it, the less we gave it. Then there were those bosses, or teachers in school, whose boundaries were knew from the start. Their boundaries were clear and reasonable, and we therefore had respect for from early on. And that respect grew over time.

This contrast between the one who “demands” respect and who “commands” respect is such a common trope in our culture that it is all through the fiction we consume. You can hardly see a military movie without them presenting some young Lieutenant who keeps demanding respect and not getting it, while some Sargent, Warrant Officer, or higher ranked officer, is inherently given respect by his men. Countless movies use this stereotype, precisely because it is all too commonly experienced in life. We have all experienced people who fit into both these categories.

The one who begs for respect, or seeks to demand it, will have contempt returned, in increasing measure. In the context of the military unit an officer can correct this by simply showing himself capable in his role. But part of how he does this is by proving himself competent AND having clear boundaries of what he expects and will not tolerate. Boundaries for how you will be treated AND how you will treat others consistently with that standard, really matter.

A man who wants respect need to recognize this. You command respect not by shouting that you deserve it, but by showing you should be respected. If early in your marriage your wife starts speaking down to you, or contemptuously towards you, and you simply allow it, or worse, you just beg for her to stop it, you will likely develop into the man with the unruly wife over time. This is not good for you, her, your kids, or even society.

Most women have within them the capacity to be a good wife, or a bad wife. Even a good woman has the sinful nature, as do you, and if this sinful nature is fed, your beautiful, loving, and submissive wife can become your tyrant, and then you can find yourself, like so many other men, wondering why you provide so well, but are treated poorly.

So, ask yourself, if your wife talks down to you in front of her friends or your friends, will you just ignore it, or will you look her calmly in the eyes and say, “Don’t!”? Will she know that to speak of you in that way is not to be tolerated? Not, that she cannot share her mind, or her opinion, or anything like that, of course she can and will. But if she disagrees with you, she knows to bring it to you at the proper time?

A good woman will want to speak her husband up in front of her friends and his friends. But what if she has friends who influence her to do otherwise? How will you address that? A woman’s friends can mean the difference between a good marriage and a terrible marriage. Some men do many of the right things, but because they take no care to their wife’s social activities, they get blindsided. Are you making sure that you both spend time with people who will model respect between husbands and wives?

Remember Paul said this to Titus in the passage we looked at in our previous piece, “6 Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded,…” (Titus 2:6). Why do you think in the context of husbands and wives, that Paul tells young men to be “sober-minded”? It is because young men can be a bit silly, a bit daft, and a bit reckless. And if you approach what you tolerate in your marriage with a silly mindset, you could start patterns between you and your wife that may never be turned back away.

Are you willing to walk out of room, or a social gathering, rather than be disrespected by your wife?

Are you willing to live in such a way that you are easier to respect?

Does your wife reciprocate the respect you make sure that she experiences?

Yes, providing, giving money, being that kind of man in some ways should be enough to get respect from a thankful wife. But if your wife works, why would she need to respect your ability to provide? Also, there are plenty of men who can provide, and probably a lot more than you can, as a lot of man learn from painful experience. Why should you be respected for doing something that you would have to do if you were single anyway? Sure, over time many women will generally come to appreciate their man’s provision. But not always, and sometimes it is how he commands respect in other ways that actually builds that appreciation.

Do you see the conundrum young men? There is often a disconnect between what you think should get you respect, and what actually will. There is a reason that the bad boy, who might not even hold a steady job, has plenty of interest from women, when the solid middle manager on a decent income might not have had a second date in several years.

Do you have the temperament that commands respect? Does your wife look to you and feels secure in your arms? Do you have the ambition that will build a life where your wife is able to thrive and be freed from many of the burdens that modern women face? Does she see other men look at you with respect?

This where I bring in church again. Many men get their professional respect at work, and maybe in some social environments with their friends. But Church, alongside of also giving you the chance to fellowship with believers and be challenged about how to be a better man of God, gives you the chance to have your wife see how other mean evaluate you in the context of a group dynamic. Especially if their husband does the right thing at home, and then leads in the context of the gathering in some way. If your wife is a true and genuine believer, this will make a difference to how she views you. Every woman, whether or not they believe in Jesus, wants to see her husband respected by other men; the difference is simply that Christian women, who take the Bible seriously, reframe that within a Christian framework and context. But the same principles apply across the board in other social contexts. 

Note though men, that living in a way that commands respect needs to be consistent. If you are one thing in one environment, and another in the other environment, those closest to you will lose respect for you. That is one of the reasons we often see men who appeared to be notable guys in the church, lose their marriages. Along with what we spoke about in part one of this series, the disconnect in his behaviour bred contempt in the home.

Now, someone at this point might want to exclaim, “Matt, that song was talking about sex, not respect. Men are sex obsessed, that is what he wanted!”

But stop, pause and reflect on this: how much does a woman want to go to bed passionately with a man that she does not respect? It is a turn, off, isn’t it. We all know this. Whereas a man she respects, looks up to, and admires, is a man she is also more attracted to. There is a reason some women leave their husbands for their boss, or other men in authority over them. Because this dynamic of respect matters.

It should not surprise us, then, that the street culture in Redding’s day brought “sex” and “respect” together, because they are very closely linked in a marriage relationship. Show me a marriage where, for whatever reason, a woman does not respect her husband, and I will show you either a sexless, or very low sex marriage. This is not rocket science.

Men, you need to understand that if you present a compelling banner under which your wife can reframe her own life, your chances of ever having the difficult wife decrease massively. If you already have a difficult wife, this is going to be a lot harder for you to achieve, because she is holding probably a lifetime of your failures to lead, or inability to set adequate boundaries, against you, as these mistakes cause women to feel unsafe. But the sooner you start to be wise and seek to be a man of respect in the home, and outside, the more chance you have of turning things around.

List of References

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[1] Respect Lyrics, https://genius.com/Otis-redding-respect-lyrics

[2] Ibid.

[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Respect_(song)

How To Handle A Difficult Wife

“Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”

Proverbs 21:9.

As a pastor I have encountered many men whose lives are made to be a form of living hell because of their wives. These men usually handle it in different ways.

Some become absolute shells of men, who though they would get some measure of respect in their profession, anyone who sees them around their wife immediately recognizes who rules the roost, and they can see the visible signs of it in the man’s hunched shoulders. Think Richard, in Keeping Up Appearances.

Some men react badly to a badly behaving wife and seek to tyrant over their wives. These men can become abusive in direct response to years of sexual, emotional and relational coercion, and something snaps inside of them.

Some men adjust their understanding of masculinity. They rationalize it by concluding that their wife is an “alpha” and they are just happy to be married, and they give off a modicum of being content in the situation. These women write their husbands emails of complaint, and make the decisions for him, and he is content to let it happen. His wife, or more often he, will generally tell people that he is the head, but she is the neck. Every now and then you will see a shadow in this man’s eye of pain at the level of disrespect he experiences on a daily basis.

Another subset of this previous group is men who are so lazy, emotionally, relationally, and in various other ways, that they actually do genuinely enjoy that their wife is the leader. It is easier. They have less conflict, because he simply concedes, “Yes, dear.” He probably even believes that men who say he should lead are at best closet misogynists, and he will avidly advocate his situation to anyone who asks. “We are a team,” he says, knowing full well that his wife is the Captain and the Referee.

To summarize, I have encountered more men who are dominated by their wives, than men who are abusive. And I expect the numbers are far more weighted in that direction than we realize, because women are far more likely to talk about their situations than men are, and there is very little, if any, stigma for a woman to share about an abusive husband. Even in our claimed egalitarian age, it is still quite shameful for a man to admit to not being the man of his house. So many men suffer in silence and are often shut up when they try to speak.

What I want to do in this piece is address how to avoid falling into such a situation. I want to give some practical advice to men about how to stop their wife from becoming a difficult woman. It is my contention, that in the right context, most women can become the difficult woman. But it is not my contention that this is necessarily the man’s fault. Women have agency, and this is often ignored by people who discuss these issues. However, that does not mean there are not things that a man can do to change that likelihood, and balance things in favour of a submissive and comparative godly wife.

As for men whose wives have already completely subjected them? Well, perhaps they can implement some of this as well. But their job is harder, much harder. Life long relational patterns are hard to break out of, they do not develop overnight, nor come out of nowhere. Not every man is a leader, and not every man has the ability to change his environment. A leopard cannot change its spots, right? But God can do miracles. We live in light of these two realities. Just recognize that men in both of these situations are going to have to prepare themselves for conflict. Both, because it will happen, and secondly, because you don’t want to go too far. There are plenty of men who have gone too far in seeking to reign in a domineering woman, and they have suffered the loss of any moral authority as a result. So, be wise gentlemen.

I want to begin with something Paul says in Titus. He gives this advice to the younger church leader,

“1 But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: 2 that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience; 3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— 4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. 6 Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded,…” (Titus 2:1-6).

This is advice for a church leader, on what he is to teach about the character of various groups within society. There are some great principles for us to draw from here in beginning this discussion.

Firstly, men, if you want to avoid your wife becoming the difficult woman, you need to recognize how much almost every woman in this society has been robbed of the kind of environment they needed to become the kind of wives that Paul envisions in this passage. For one, whether they were raised in the Church or not, they have almost certainly been raised to either not know what this passage says, or, in the case of many Christians, to actively reject it, and call some of its elements outdated and sexist. Hence, from a very early age, the vast majority of women have been raised, either explicitly or implicitly, to rebel against being the submissive woman.

The vitriol I have heard in the mouths of some women about that term “submission” is incredible. I can bring to mind various examples, but I was once sitting at a conference lunch table just listening to the conversation around me, and the way one of the women just spat out how much she hated teaching which said women should submit to husbands, was quite telling. Especially considering it had nothing to do with any of the conference talks. I had no idea how the topic came up. She is only one example. I have seen this countless times.

Men, look at this, “3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things…” You need to recognize that most older women that surrounded your potential wife or wife as they developed into a woman did not fall into any of these categories. Women like Paul describes do exist. I know plenty, but you have to look for them. In fact, our culture kind of likes to brag about women not being reverent. It rewards women who slander either their competition or even the men in their life, for at least sympathy from their friends, or worse, to gain his possessions. The winebibbing older woman is a staple represented in film and media. And “teachers of good things…” What have the vast majority of women been given over to teaching, since feminism became the dominant ideology, not just of our women, but of society in general?

So, you need to start from this basis: the woman in your life, who you want to marry, or are married to, has been terribly robbed by a culture that had no intention of teaching her how to be a good wife. In fact, the term “the good wife” has become a derogatory term in our modern culture.[1] So successful has been the Luciferian inspired feminist movement, that even many Christians think of the biblical wife as a lesser thing. You need to start from this basis. Just assume that, to some degree, your wife’s social context, her education, likely her family environment, and more, are antagonistic in some way towards her being the kind of wife you might have expected.

What Paul advises is that the older women need to be “reverent” and “teachers of good things…” He is not contradicting his teaching in other letters where he says that men should direct the teaching in the church, because he goes on to explain what he means, “4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,…” In other words, Paul is saying that the older women need to be respectfully focused on teaching the younger women to fulfill their role. How the church needs this today, in increasing measure.

Hence, men, now that you have recognized that your wife has been robbed of the kind of encouragements and upbringing that most women of previous generations got, you need to find a church environment where she is going to be surrounded by older women who will teach her these things. If, and these women do exist, she learnt this from her mother and her mother is still a part of her life, then that is a boon to you. That is something to celebrate. Feminism has not achieved full acceptance in every household, hence there are oases in this cultural desert. But still, you need be intentional about this.

You need to recognize that that the divorce rate in the churches being roughly similar to the divorce rate in the culture is not an accident. It comes about in large part because most Christians simply do not have a Christian worldview. I cannot get this across to you strongly enough, you need to know this, the men I know who are going through either the destruction of their marriage or their marriage turning into a sexless wasteland, all have something in common: they usually stopped going to church, meaning that their wife’s social context got shrunk down to her co-workers and other secular contexts. And many of them were part of churches where the women were dominant over the men, and hence their church context was not very different to secular contexts anyway.

A lot of men think they don’t need church. And, there are probably a small minority of Christian couples out there who are in this situation who can keep a relatively good marriage, while living an unbalanced Christian lifestyle; for it is impossible to be a healthy Christian and ignore the one-another passages in the Bible, that assume we are living in the context of the fellowship of believers. But the overwhelming observational evidence points to the opposite effect. Men, you might not feel the need for church. Your desire for interaction with other people, with whom you disagree on a host of things will likely go down as you age. But if your wife is disconnected from an environment where other women are going to teach her how to better love and respect you, then you will suffer for it. Many men overlook this, and they suffer as a result.

Similarly, if you are in a church environment which encourages your wife to live like the world, it will have a similar effect. I have lost count of the number of men who have told me that their wife’s divorced friends have ruined their own marriage. This is a well-known phenomenon. The reason that divorce statistics are as high in the church as outside, is simply because many Christians ignore what the Bible says about marriage and think that flying a Jesus bumper sticker on their car will make all the difference. But it won’t. Christianity is not the religion of lucky charms. As much as this kind of thinking often seeps back in. Exceptional men might be able to make up the difference themselves, the average Christian man needs this environment for wife to aid him and wife in their marriage.

You need to be intentional about spending serious amounts of time with other families who take what Paul says to Titus seriously. And, if the pastor’s wife, or elder’s wives, scorn what the scriptures say here, then you can be certain that your chances of facing a world of hurt in marriage will increase. Hence, to avoid having a difficult wife find a church gathering where the older women “admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,…” It is more important than cool music. It is more important than a cool youth program. It is more important than many of the surface things people look for in the church. And those surface things can exist within a church that does this well, but they do not necessarily go together.

You might find it strange that Titus has to “teach or admonish” the older women to love their husbands. But just consider how many women will kill their children in the womb given the chance? Now consider how many women will kick out the father of their children if given the chance? Here are just two indications that Paul, through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, understood that loving her children and husband is something that a lot of women need coaching and teaching in. Just as many men need to be trained to love their wife. Paul also shows us that it is older women who will be the primary teachers in this role, not their husbands. It is natural for women to seek the counsel of other, wiser, older women. If your wife is surrounded by bad women, then you will suffer. You will both suffer.

This goes just as much for her being chaste and discreet. There is a bit of a misunderstanding in our culture that men are more obsessed with sex than women. Two things show this is not the case, 1) Go to the beach and look at how most women will dress if social pressure or character does not restrain them, and 2) Look at how women’s soft, and not so soft, porn dominates that reading market. Women and men are both created to be and are sexual creatures. If your wife does not have good influences in this regard, there is a strong possibility she will put herself on display for other men. This culture has trained her to do it.

If a husband has an attractive and desirable wife, which all men want, other men will be interested in her. There is nothing you can do about that. But you can challenge her flirting with them. But even better if she has responsible, attractive and reverent older women to challenge her in this regard for you. A lot of women want to be good wives, but as women are highly social creatures that are very impressionable by their environment, they can come under terrible influences from their friends. Be thoughtful about this. Her flirtatious, vivacious personality might have drawn you to her, but if this is not properly turned into discretion in your marriage, you might find yourself in for real trouble. There are countless men who do not give two hoots that she is your wife. She needs direction from wiser women on this as well.

And, of course, this last one is rejected by most Christians: “good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.” I could tell you stories of even pastor’s wives who scorn this one. I could tell you accounts of older men and women who think this is too limiting for their grand-daughters or daughters. But I don’t have to. You know this one is under attack from society and the church. Some consider it sexist, out of date advice, others consider it an unachievable goal that pastors should be embarrassed to hold to, because it is out of reach to most working people today. Others just don’t care what the Bible says, whether Christian or not, and still others would like to follow this command but don’t know how.

If your wife is in an environment where the women scorn this verse, remind yourself that she and her friends were robbed of the culture that trained women to do this well, and acknowledge how she and you are being robbed, at the present moment, by our culture. Titus would not have to tell older women to teach this to younger women, if it just came by nature. It doesn’t, at least not all of it. Humans have some level of inborn instinct, but most of what we learn has to be taught, and it can be untaught between the generations.

The culture of women being culture-bearers in the home has been effectively cut off. Even many women who would like to do this find themselves struggling to find other women to partner in doing it with them, because all their friends work during the day. Many of them are having to learn the skills of being productive in the home from scratch. Even simple things like nutritional, affordable, meals, is a skill many women are re-learning. If you just ask your wife to be a homemaker, which is her role and you both believe it is, but you leave her to figure out all this on her own, then you might find her getting frustrated and restless in the home, and this has caused many problems for families and husbands. Even the desire to do things God’s way can go wrong without good discipleship.

I find it interesting how many women who do homeschooling, for instance, want to join co-ops of other women to help their kids learn in community. I thought it was supposed to be about schooling in the home? Often, these groups fracture, because you have highly independent minded people seeking to come together for a joint effort, a bit like Baptist church plants. But the reason they do this is because of the strong desire for the women’s village that most women grew up in, throughout history. Our society has stripped that away from most women, and so doing things God’s way can be a lot harder. Just like it is harder for a man to keep a pure mind when half the women around him dress like they are selling themselves…which in many ways they are.

You need to actively make sure you are reinforcing these standards in your home, but that you are in an environment, where others will reinforce them for you. And, by the grace of God, your wife will develop into the kind of woman who can help train other women in this. Which is why it is important to note that Paul says this to young men, “6 Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded…” It is a very brief statement, compared to what he says for the young women. But consider what he is saying.

Many young men do not approach life in a serious way. In fact, many men take some time to develop into their masculine role of providers and guardians of their home. This is why car insurance is more expensive for young men, well into their 20’s. But the sooner you learn to approach these things seriously and diligently, the better off you will be.

But this also helps a man with his wife. Because his wife is much more likely to take him seriously, if he takes himself seriously. She is also much more like to take him seriously if other men, and other women, take him seriously. Men who cut their family and their wives off from a good church, often get themselves in trouble in this area. Women like to see their men flourish amongst other men. A lot of men think all they need to do is their job and centre their life around their wife. But these men show they have no understanding for feminine nature. Women want to see their husband measure up well against other men. If he doesn’t, this diminishes her view of him, and he is more likely to find he has a difficult wife. This one happens so often. Sure, there are exceptions, they can be found in the comments sections of discussions like this across the world. But don’t think you are so special as to be among the exceptions, you likely won’t be.  

Take yourself seriously, take your faith seriously, take your wife’s social environment seriously. Many men think more to the social environment of their kids than their wife, and that is their biggest mistake. They often don’t even realize it is a mistake until their kids are out of the home and the wife has gone off to discover herself, because her reading club, or co-workers convinced her to, that it is her right.

A lot more could be said about this issue. Men, you have been failed by our culture too, in many ways. Especially in the area of learning how to steward a wife. Most people are never taught this, and the most they learn is from their home environment, which can be hit and miss. And in a culture of broken homes is much more miss than hit.

I just want to briefly mention one more area before I conclude: sex.

Solomon says this,

“15 Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well. 16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. 20 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?” (Prov. 5:15-20).

Many men think that the key to pleasing their wife is being subservient to her. But it is not. I believe women are partially hardwired to joyfully follow a good man, if she is trained by other women to do this well. I say partially because the fall has corrupted men and women. I think if a man follows the principles in this article, that come from scripture, his wife is more likely to want to follow him, and they are more likely to forge together well.

But don’t neglect sex in this equation, either. God has conditioned us to desire sex, enjoy sex and even regularly crave sex, both men and women – unless of course something has gone terribly wrong, which can happen in this world. If you build a healthy physical craving for each other, by stewarding this well early in your marriage, it will help bond you both together. Some men ruin this with porn, or he or his wife put on weight, or the wife’s desire is ruined by anti-depressants, or some other issues can get in the way. But if you are diligent in being “enraptured” in each other’s love, you will likely still have conflict, but you will come back together as one.

This area is overlooked as a powerful remedy to conflict. A woman who sexually desires her husband is much more willing to want to follow him. She might get things wrong. You might get things wrong. But work, intentionally, to stir up this desire. It will help you more than you know.

If this tap has run dry in your marriage, you will already know how it draws a chasm between both of you. This means you will have to work harder to get back to where you should be. But I think these principles can set you on the right track to getting back to a good place.

Of course, you can seek to do the right things, and your marriage can still fail. We live on the wrong side of paradise, so things can still go wrong. I do not believe that because a woman turns bad it is guaranteed to be her husband’s fault. It can be. But it could also be that you married a bad one. They exist too. But generally speaking, there are good and wise things a man can do to help his marriage have a better chance of success, and telling him to be more of a domesticated and neutered servant, based on a demented understanding of “laying down his life”, is the wrong advice.  

List of References

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[1] https://www.fastslang.com/good-wife

We Were Once A Saner Society

 

In the 1995 Blue Heelers aired an episode of the show that demonstrated, rather powerfully,  that both men and women could be violently abusive. 

The episode was called, Breaking the Cycle, from season 2, episode 34. 

Watching Blue Heelers is like travelling back in time to when Australia was more sane, more sensible, more reasonable, and...more Australian. 

These days, if a promiment person said domestic violence can go both ways, they are pilloried from post to post, until they go quiet. The feminist captured media, which is often lobbied by groups that receive funding to highlight one side of the problem, quickly react to any shifting of the narrative. Our country was once much more reasonable, about many things. 

I miss what our country once was. It was no utopia, ir was not perfect, but it was better, in many ways. Observable, and sometimes measurable, ways. 

Highlighting one side of the problem is unjust. As P J said, "You need to keep an open mind to get to the truth." 

Women are hurt, everyday. 

Men are hurt, everyday.

To deny there are two sides to domestic violence is simply to lie. 

Spider-Man Brand New Day A Review

 

So, I just saw the new Spider-Man movie, and I thought it was a blast. It was actually excellent. Not a perfect movie, but still excellent. This will be a partial spoiler review, so if you have not seen the movie, you might want to watch it first before reading through to the end. I will let you know when spoilers are about to come up.

 Spider-Man Brand New Day gives us something we all want from a superhero movie: A simple story about a guy just trying to do the right thing, and not necessarily getting rewarded for it. This strikes at the heart of the superhero genre; these heroes are not in it for glory, or accolades, or prestige, but because they just want to do the right thing. At least generally speaking they are, and Peter Parker is the archetype of the selfless guy who just wants to make his neighbourhood a safer place for the ordinary folk.

We don’t always need there to be a world-ending threat in these movies. We don’t need every superhero movie to be a mini-avengers movie where the entire Avengers team plays a role (though a couple do turn up in this movie). Sometimes we just want to see a decent hearted bloke kicking bad guys arses straight into prison. Brand-New Day gives us that, and we need more simple movies like that.

Even though this movie is simple, it is not without heart. Now, before I address that, I should note that there are many reviews going around online, especially on YouTube that are saying that this movie has too much in it. I even heard many of the reviewers I trusted the most make this accusation. But I just simply think they are wrong. Every plot device in the movie intersected, neatly. The various threads may seem to clash early on, but the director sowed them up very nicely as the movie goes on. By the end none of them are left hanging.

I think sometimes people just make criticisms of movies based on the reputation of their wider franchises. A lot of Marvel and D.C. movies are incredibly bloated, and a little chaotic. I feel like the later Thor movies and Guardian’s of the Galaxy movies suffered from that problem. But this one does not. It has a lot of slower moments that focus on character, and show us what Peter is going through, after having sacrificed everything he loved in the previous movie.

For contrast, I watched Lethal Weapon 4 not long after watching Spider-Man, and that movie was like the film equivalent of ADD on steroids. I was actually shocked how over-the-top it was. It was relentless, in your face, and filled with too much. It gave you no down moments to catch your breath. It has a fun pay off, but a lot of the characters in the movie are just obnoxious. It was actually interesting to see a Marvel movie, which is a type of movie known for being over-the-top hyperactive entertainment, actually have more down time and serious character moments compared to an action movie from the 90’s. In fact, in many ways the Marvel movie format that people have come to criticize, really models itself off the buddy cop movies of the 90’s. But some went even further with it.

Also, this movie let’s serious moments land, without feeling like it needs to instantly tell a joke afterwards, which is good.

As I said this movie has heart.

Firstly, it had a meaningful primary theme: That a man or woman who isolates themself cannot be fully human. Or will even become inhuman. This is a necessary message in this day and age. Following people on social media is not replacement for true human connection. I have a feeling this movie is doing so well, especially amongst, Zoomers, because many of them can relate to feeling like many of their relationships just exist via online spaces. Us millennials can remember a world without the internet being a part of everyone’s everyday life. Many of us did not have computers till we were in high school. But in many ways the younger generations have been robbed of that world. Having Peter seeking connection through the online space, because he feels alone, is something a lot of people would relate to today.

(If you do, go to church, at least you will meet people).

The movie also highlights how people who feel like they carry a heavy burden can choose to isolate themselves in an unhealthy way. The longer they carry that burden alone, the more it can isolate them, and actually diminish their humanity. People were created to flourish in true community. It smooths off our edges and helps us handle our burdens. Pastor’s, teachers, and other leaders could do well to meditate on this, and not seek to do everything on their own, or carry their burdens alone. It can lead you to an unhealthy place.

(Again, join a good church, and build community, there are less and less places you can still do that today).

Prior to watching the movie, I thought it was a shame they did not move on from Zendaya's MJ and Peter’s friend Ned. I found most of their scenes in the previous movies at best neutral, and sometimes annoying. But after seeing the movie, I have to say it was clever how they used them both to add emotional weight to Peter’s story line. Well, clever and a bit lazy.

What I mean by that is that if they moved on to other love interests and other side-kick friends, they would have had to do some extra leg work to create that emotional depth. Whereas, by relying on everybody’s knowledge of Peter’s history with MJ and Ned, they can get you invested in what he is going through much easier. It also helps keep the fans happy who loved the interactions of all three of those characters in the previous movies. So, it was clever.  

In fact, I think Spider-Man does so well, precisely because people care about Holland’s Peter Parker, and Zendaya’s MJ, and they want to see what happens next in their adventures. Whatever you think of Henry Cavill or David Corenswet as Superman, it was obviously a mistake for Gunn to just end the Cavill era and start again. People like legacy characters played by legacy actors for a reason, they have come to identify with them over time. Marvel has used this nostalgia well with Spider-Man, Wolverine and other characters. The way this movie went, it naturally sets up a new possible trilogy where Spider-Man has to get back some of his old life. Almost like a soft reboot, which is clever serial storytelling. The exact sort of thing they do in a 7 season T.V. to keep people coming back.

It needs to be said that Tom Holland nailed it as Spider-Man and Peter Parker. He captured the honour and struggle of the delta's hero journey well. What I mean by delta, is the ordinary guy. Not the Alpha, but a guy who just wants to do his job and do it well. Guys like this don’t necessarily get all the accolades in society, but they are the kinds of guys who make everybody else’s lives easier, because they make sure things are done well. Peter Parker is the ultimate delta superhero, who just wants to be with the one love of his life, but also wants her to be safe. And he doesn’t seek glory for himself.

Ok, time to bring in some spoilers.

The Punisher is a big part of this movie, played by Jon Bernthal. He played well off Spider-Man in every scene he is in. I would say that we need more PG - 13 Punisher buddy cop style movies with Spider-Man. Their chemistry is great. And who needs any other filth fests like the Deadpool movies? No, thanks. Don’t get me wrong, I would like to see The Punisher do a proper punisher movie, but having him play of Spider-Man reminded me of some of the best buddy cop movies of the 90’s, and I miss that sort of movie, at least when it is done well.

The scenes with the new Black Widow were just awkward and not really necessary. They could have written them out and the movie would not have missed them, or her.

The Hulk was actually the Hulk again, for a moment. Watching the Punisher come at him with a machine gun pretty funny. But it works in the scene.

The villain, Jean Gray, in this movie was pretty good. She even managed to emulate the demon from Denzel Washington’s Fallen at points in this movie, which was both creepy, and done very well to show what Pete was up against. But there needed to be more accountability. She kills heaps of people throughout the movie, and then the movie just ends with her being let off scot-free because she did it all to try and find her sister. Marvel clearly has an accountability problem with female villains, because this same sort of thing has happened in some of their other female villain story-lines. Sure, Jean Gray saves Peter’s life, but that does not bring back the people she murdered. Also, why did she not just stake out the person she was after and go straight through him to achieve her goal? Probably, because then the movie would have taken 20 minutes.

So, as I said, the movie is not perfect, but it is good. We can overlook some imperfect plot points. After all, without Indiana Jones the Nazis would not have found the Ark of the Covenant, but we overlooked that element of the movie and still had fun watching it. Right?

The CG was good. The acting was good. And I would say that this is the best Spider-Man movie since Spider-Man 2 with Toby McGuire. You can’t beat that train scene in that movie. No scene in any comic book movie comes close, in my opinion. However, this movie still did a very good job. In fact, this movie was clearly in part inspired by that movie, but instead of losing his powers, Peter’s powers are enhanced, because he is losing himself because of his isolation. Toby McGuire’s Spider-Man even gets a mention. Hence, this movie does have some of the same beats at Spider-Man’s best outing so far.

All round; this was a good time. And it is good to see a string of great male led hero movies doing well this year. Maybe Hollywood is learning its lessons.

I will be doing a video review on my YouTube channel tonight, as well. Here. 

An Ancient Problem – King Edwy

 

I have been reading the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle on and off for a bit, and I found this benediction for one of the kings who passed away interesting, because of how it speaks to some of the issues of our own day. We read,

“A.D. 959. This year died King Edwy, on the calends of October; and Edgar his brother took to the government of the West-Saxons, Mercians, and Northumbrians. He was then sixteen years old. It was in this year he sent after St. Dunstan, and gave him the bishopric of Worcester; and afterwards the bishopric of London.

In his days it prosper'd well;

and God him gave,

that he dwelt in peace

the while that he lived.

Whate'er he did,

whate'er he plan'd,

he earn'd his thrift.

He also rear'd God's glory wide,

and God's law lov'd,

with peace to man,

above the kings that went before

in man's remembrance.

God so him sped,

that kings and earls

to all his claims submissive bow'd;

and to his will without a blow

he wielded all as pleased himself.

Esteem'd he was

 both far and wide in distant lands;

because he prized

the name of God,

and God's law traced,

God's glory rear'd,

both far and wide,

on every side.

Wisely he sought in council

oft his people's good,

before his God,

before the world.

One misdeed he did,

too much however,

that foreign tastes

he loved too much;

and heathen modes

into this land he brought too fast;

outlandish men hither enticed;

and to this earth attracted

crowds of vicious men.

But God him grant,

that his good deeds be

weightier far than his misdeeds,

to his soul's redemption

on the judgment-day.[1]

Well, isn’t that interesting?

Firstly, observe how important honouring God was to the ancient English people. Many Australians and Englishmen have forgotten how bound up in Christianity our culture has been for well over a thousand years. They commend this king for loving God, loving justice, and seeking to honour God’s ways in his kingdom. Give us a king who would do this. Give us leaders who would do this.

But they have a serious issue with one of his tendencies.

“One misdeed he did,

too much however,

that foreign tastes

he loved too much;

and heathen modes

into this land he brought too fast;…”

Now isn’t this familiar? 

This is like so many of our leaders today in our nation. I have had this conversation with many people, and I think a big part of our country's problem, and the problem with our nation’s leadership, is that they scorn the Australian way, the Australian lifestyle, and the Australian population. Many of our leaders wished we were more like Europe, more like Asia, or more like America, just as long as we were less like our heritage. It is like they are embarrassed to be Australians.

They submit our laws to foreign agreements. They submit our car standards to European standards that have nothing to do with the  Australian climate and needs. They  in every way, appear to favour the ways of foreign nations, foreign identities and foreign ways of doing things.

I suspect King Edwy did this to a much smaller degree than our modern leaders. But it is interesting to see this problem brought up in the book about the heritage of our kings and to see how ancient people’s chafed under this same sort of behaviour.

If only we had leaders who were proud to be Australian, and did not think that Australia needed to be changed beyond all recognition. After all, if we are such a terrible people, why do so many others want to live here? 

List of References

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[1] Anonymous. The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle (p. 41). Neeland Media LLC. Kindle Edition.

Feminism and the Odyssey

 

Feminism

Tonight, on my YouTube Livestream at Based Christian History I am going to be watching and reacting to Jonathan Pageau’s interview with Rachel Wilson on Feminism. I mentioned that video last week on my blog and on my Substack, but I think what they talk about can be greatly expanded on. You can watch that video at 8pm AEST live, or you can catch up with it at another time. The advantages of modern streaming and the internet are incredible. Remember having to catch your favourite shows on T.V. and then not knowing if you would ever get to see that episode again?

It is especially fitting to discuss the subject as I sent my new book on feminism to my publisher just this past weekend. This book is a collection of many of my past articles and discussions of the subject, edited and improved for book publications. They also allow people to have these arguments as a resource for discussing these issues with friends and family.

On this Sunday just passed, I preached on how only qualified men should teach in church, and why all men should step up and set an example in the faith. Afterwards, an godly, older gentleman came up to me and suggested I should write a book on the subject. I was pleased to tell him that I had just done it. He was really encouraged to see that old school biblical standard still being taught.

There is a thirst for traditional Christianity in our modern world.

Many Protestants are turning to the Roman Catholic and Orthodox traditions, and one of the core reasons they are doing this is because modern evangelicalism has become a hotbed of radical feminism. There are other reasons, of course, like the evangelical church’s attempt to reframe the whole of Christianity as subservient to one particular nation in the Middle East. But feminism is a core problem many young men and young women have with the church. So, it is vital that we Protestants take this seriously. In fact, we should be taking it seriously just because the Bible does.

For a long time now the consensus in evangelical churches is that we have to move with the culture to help our churches stay relevant. But what happens when the culture cannot answer this question: “What is a woman?” Or “Can a man bear a child?” as Jeremiah asks in Jeremiah 30:6. It becomes patently obvious at this point that the church is foolish to continue following the culture. In fact, it was always foolish to do this, but it has just become more obvious to a log of Christians, and especially young men and women, that this is case.

In fact, just in the last few years, we have seen some prominent cases where Australian women have been severely sanctioned by the courts for simply publicly stating the reality that men cannot be women, and should not be allowed to compete against women. Kirralie Smith is one example. If you want to hear more about her situation and her attempt to change Australian law so that it reflects the reality of the difference between men and women, you can look that up here. She lost her case recently, precisely because our own country’s law is confused on this issue, and is therefore unjust.

The Odyssey

On the Odyssey, my recorded readings of the book continue. I am up to book 4.

You can watch the readings of the first two books here, book three here, and book four here. I will aim to get a couple of those readings out every week, and hopefully more.

It is a classic story and it has been fun reading it.

If it goes well, I might choose another classic to go through in the future.

Keep an eye out for tonight’s livestream, and don’t forget to subscribe to my channel if you have not already. God bless.

 

 

Unnecessary Wars, or Very Deliberate Wars?

 

There are many reasons for the unnecessary wars going on around the world right now. Money, greed, power, looting, etc, etc. Watching how powerful people are raking it in big in the US financial markets every time President Trump makes statements about attacks or ceasefires, illustrates this.

But there are other reasons. Ukraine right now is being depopulated. Russia, though it is winning, is being drained of its best men. War always drains societies of its best men, and then everyone else is affected to. The destruction of Ukrainian grain production has put stress of food markets around the world. This will increase starvation in poor countries.

The war in Iran is doing the same. Neither Israel, Iran or the US is being drained of men, as this is more of a high-end missile and low-end drone war, but the bottleneck in the straight of Hormuz, has stopped a lot of resources going where they are needed, including fertilizers. Reports have been flowing in now that farmers around the world are reporting delayed crops, increased prices for planting, and this is because of the lack of fertilizers, a lot of which are produced with resources from the region around the straight of Hormuz.

In other words, both these wars are creating the conditions for increasing famines across the world. Especially in poor countries that cannot afford to compete for the higher prices of grain, fertilizers and fuels.

This is not an accident. The elites who rule our world are de-populationists. They want to see the human population decrease across the world. This has long been a demonic justification for war. According to Greek mythology this is why Zeus incited the Trojan War,

"Zeus believed that the earth was overpopulated by people, so he thought that the Trojan War could be used to depopulate the Earth, especially of his demigod children. Zeus would later come to learn from either Prometheus or Themis that he would someday be overthrown, much like his father."

The flood epics of Babylon state that the gods flooded the earth because there were too many people.

This idea comes up again and again in the pagan legends and mythologies.

The idea that the earth is over-populated is not some newfangled idea. It is an ancient demonic view that has been held by various different elite ruling classes throughout history.

So, we see these unnecessary wars happening, and wonder how can all these people be so stupid as to prolong them. But they do it very deliberately, they profit from the arms sales, from the stolen resources, and they drop the earth's population a bit. All of which are among their plans.