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Saturday, 3 October 2026

How To Handle A Difficult Wife Part 4 – Sex and Bonding

 


Sex.

This is one of the more important aspects of marriage. In this article I am going to look at this topic from a different perspective to either my previous articles, or what you are probably used to.

According to Forbes a lack of intimacy is the fourth largest reason for divorce, sitting behind lack of family support, infidelity, and right alongside a lack of compatibility and too much conflict.[1] When you consider that both infidelity and lack of compatibility largely overlap with a lack of intimacy, then you would have to conclude that this is a much larger reason for divorce than this graph indicates.

[2]

I have been known to say in sermons that a sexless marriage is a contradiction in terms. God created marriage to be a sexual relationship. For instance, Malachi 2:15 says, “15 But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.” God designed marriage to be a fruitful sexual union that bears children, and that is why he makes man and wife one; physically and spiritually. This teaching harkens back to the Genesis 2:24-25 which says, “24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” And both passages point forward to 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 which says,

“2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Sex is central to what marriage is. Of course, in this fallen world, through injury or sickness, this aspect of marriage can be broken. But this does not change the fact that marriage is and was always meant to be a sexual union.

Of course, as many men and some women will tell you, sex can dry up in marriage over time. This is not a controversial idea. We all know this happens. What many people may not know is that it is not uncommon for this to be a case of the man not really wanting to touch the woman. The stereotype is the sex-starved man and the ice-queen wife, and this stereotype is probably more common than the other way around. However, in this day of porn addiction and low-testosterone and other reasons, it is not unheard of to have wives wishing their husbands would touch them. In fact, this is not even something new, as I just finished The Canterbury Tales recently and this exact kind of situation features in one of the tales.

But as I have said all along; this series is more about prevention than curing problems. It is far easier to build a good relationship with your wife from the start than it is to turn around a bad situation. Of course, some of the principles will apply both ways, and so they may offer some men in difficult situations some hope and a reasonable path forward, but this is an area of your marriage you want to steward as wisely as possible from the start, otherwise it could really come back to bite you hard later in your marriage.

Men, has anyone ever told you how having good sex with your wife will improve your marriage? Note, I did not say, “getting good sex.” I said, “having good sex.” There is a difference; a big difference, and an important difference.

A lot of discussion about sex in marriage contexts, at least in Church circles and the secular circles I am aware of, is focused around how women can please their husbands by being more available, being more willing, being more adventurous, etc. And yes, having a wife who is willing to be sexually available is a massive advantage in this area. In fact, if you are one of those men whose wife has a higher sexual libido than you, or even close to, you have lucked out…or perhaps you have not? Maybe you have simply been doing something right? You know the saying, “You get more flies with honey than vinegar.” What do I mean by that?

Well, it is simple: if you are lazy, selfish, or too self-focused in your sexual relationship with your wife, why would you be surprised if things dial down over time? Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that in every marriage sexual attention can come in waves, there are times of serious busyness like when kids are really little, there are times of sickness, there are times when you both might just quieten down and things become less consistent. I understand all of this, and I encourage you to pay attention to the natural rhythms of life and be adaptive with your spouse…but herein is the point: One of the ways men can go wrong in their marriage and help to turn their wife into the difficult wife is how they approach this area of marriage.

Sex is not a gift for men and a duty for women. Look again what the Apostle Paul says, “3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband” (emphasis mine). Notice what Paul does not say. He does not say, “Women, your husband desperately needs your sexual attention.” Rather he says that both men and women should render each other affection. Why? Because both men and women are created to desire affection and to receive and give affection.

We have gotten into this strange mindset in the modern world that says men are way more interested in sex than women, and maybe there is some truth in this, especially considering how much media is geared to revving up men’s sexual desire. However, if you read old literature, especially medieval literature, but also some other ancient literature, you will see that many of the ancients just assumed that women were more interested in sex. Paul, though, he cuts through this by indicating that marriage is meant to be a mutual affection environment. He addresses the inherent desire for affection in both sexes. All Christians are meant to live by the principle: “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” How much more married couples with each other?

Men, do you look at your wife and think of her as simply an agent that owes you affection? Or do you look at your wife and see someone who is owed affection, that you want to be affectionate with, that you want to be intimate with for her joy, not just your own? Because, this makes a massive difference, and what Paul says here in 1 Corinthians 7 helps to create this basic standard of wisdom; marriage is meant to be a mutual benefit environment.

If you approach the sexual part of marriage simply from the perspective of your sexual gratification, you wife will work out pretty quickly how you really view her, or at least how you appear to view her through your actions. Women are pretty intelligent creatures, men, and they will work out very quickly when you are simply wanting to use them. Some women will even put up with that over time, because of loyalty, because of natural affection, or duty, or other reasons. But you will likely be turning down her desire for sex and affection just a little bit more every time you do so. There will likely come a day when that tap runs dry. I often wonder how many men in sexless marriages were very selfish lovers early on?

Research backs this up as well. Though research shows men are generally more interested in sex than women, men and women still give roughly similar reasons for turning down sex. These reasons usually revolve around other relational issues.[3] Psychology today notes,

“Although sexual desire has biological underpinnings, the initiation of sex and responses to sexual overtures have little to do with individuals and have much more to do with couple dynamics. Furthermore, when we categorize one person in a couple as having a low sex drive, we are ignoring the gamut of interactions that might be affecting their interest in sex. Consider, for example, how much—or how little—you’re attracted to your partner when you’re in an argument or are focusing on work or a child-rearing issue. Psychological distractions can make us turn away from romance and toward other issues occupying our headspace.”[4]

In other words, other issues going on in the relationship are generally the underlying cause to why sex might dry up over time. I am not seeking to address all of those causes in this article, only one in particular: how you treat sex with your wife, men, makes a difference to her desire. If you treat sex with your wife as simply about you and not about her, over time you will train her to not be as interested in sex. People eat chocolate because they like it. Some people might avoid it for health and weight reasons, but when people eat nice chocolate they don’t really need to be talked into it. Why? Because they like it. Our bodies are designed to respond to things which bring us pleasure. Anyone who rides a motorbike knows that there is a physical joy that comes form riding that thing, and that is why you get back on it, this is why people get addicted to exercise as well. The same is true for other things in our life, including and especially sex. When your wife enjoys it more, she is more likely to desire it more.

But this also goes with other types of affection as well. Remember there are other ways to be affectionate, men. Hugging, kissing, sitting on the couch, doing other things together builds up physical connection as a habit. If you shun these things over time you will create physical distance between you and your wife and this will affect the bedroom.

Our bodies are designed to bond. Remember what Genesis 2 says, “24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” “and they shall become one flesh.” This obviously speaks to physical connection and probably more, in fact I think Malachi 2:15 makes it clear that this connection has a spiritual reality to it as well. But science and medicine can speak to the physical aspect,

“Sex triggers a powerful chemical feedback loop that literally wires your brain to feel attached to your partner. During sex, the brain releases oxytocin, often called the bonding hormone, into several key areas involved in learning, memory, and reward. That oxytocin then activates the brain’s dopamine reward system, flooding it with the same feel-good chemical involved in eating your favorite food or achieving a goal. The result is that your brain begins associating your partner with deep pleasure and comfort.

This isn’t a one-time event. Each sexual encounter reinforces the loop. Oxytocin stimulates dopamine release, which in turn strengthens the neural pathways that encode your partner as a source of reward. Research in both animal and human models shows that mating increases dopamine activity in both men and women. Over time, this creates a neurochemical foundation for pair bonding that exists alongside, and sometimes independent of, conscious feelings of love.”[5]

Our bodies are designed to give us intense feedback to the world around us. Sex is one of the most intensely pleasurable things you can do with your body in this life. This is one of the reasons it is so dangerous outside of marriage but so powerful within it. It is literally designed to glue a man and a woman together relationally, so that they actually crave being with each other. Over time this becomes much more than just craving sex, it becomes craving connection and affection from your specific spouse. There is a reason that adultery feels like such a betrayal, because it actually breaks something physical between a couple and impacts your spirit. You feel the betrayal in your bones and in your soul.

Now, properly stewarded, men, this sexual nature of your marriage is a powerful way to keep your wife’s affection, attention and loyalty. You will likely desire sex more than her. Which is why there is wisdom in making sure she enjoys the experience as much as possible. But also note that if you act badly in your relationship, if you break this sexual bond through neglect, porn use, infidelity, hurting your wife, demanding of her in other areas of your life more than you should, or in other ways, you can actually train your wife to feel like she does not need you. Guys who give their attention to porn and ignore their wives sexually actually train their wives to not pursue sex; talking about shooting yourself in the foot, with both barrels. If she comes to the conclusion that sex is just a way to gratify you, and then on top of that if she comes to see you in a negative light for other reasons, this is where many men and marriages find themselves in a world of hurt.

Suddenly a man finds himself in a situation where he is seeking help because his wife will not touch him. Or worse, she has told him that the marriage is over because she no longer feels the need for him in her life. She knows how much he enjoys sex, but for her it was an imposition from an unloving man, who did not really (from her perspective) cherish her, so why should she care? I am not justifying her making that choice, I still think that is wrong, but you have to understand, men, that you can contribute to pushing your wife in this direction, if you are not wise.

Once you are in this situation it is hard to turn around. Even if your wife is a Christian, she can find women who will affirm her in this decision. She will find pastors, or pastor’s wives, who encourage her that she is doing nothing wrong. You now have an uphill battle to win her affections back, it can be done, but it is more difficult. But for younger men starting out, or who have not yet started out, make sure you don’t start down this path, otherwise it can go very bad for you and your marriage.

We read in Proverbs 5 these powerful words,

“15 Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well. 16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. 20 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?”

Now it is possible to simply read this from the perspective that men should you avoid adultery and have sex with your wife, instead, because this is wise. Solomon is saying here: do not tire of your wife. But I think it goes further than that. I would like you to notice that Solomon writes that a man should not tire of “delighting” (ESV. V.9) or being satisfied in his wife’s body. In other words, he argues that you should find pleasure in finding your wife’s body to be wonderland, to use the phrases of a corny song from I remember from my younger days. Does a woman want to be rejoiced in? Does a woman want to be satisfying? Does a woman want to be a delight to the eyes of her husband? Does a woman want to be someone her husband pursues and desires? Yes, yes, yes and yes. Solomon does not talk about simply gratifying yourself with your wife’s body, he speaks of mutual pleasure.

And if that is written too subtly in Proverbs 5, then turn to Song of Solomon where he literally makes that case much more explicit. We read there how the groom delights in exploring the body of his beloved bride,

“1 Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove’s eyes behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, Going down from Mount Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep Which have come up from the washing, Every one of which bears twins, And none is [s]barren among them. 3 Your lips are like a strand of scarlet, And your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil Are like a piece of pomegranate. 4 Your neck is like the tower of David, Built for an armory, On which hang a thousand bucklers, All shields of mighty men. 5 Your two breasts are like two fawns, Twins of a gazelle, Which feed among the lilies. 6 Until the day breaks And the shadows flee away, I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh And to the hill of frankincense” (Prov. 4:1-6).

The Bible spends more time than most would expect on the sexual nature of marriage, and part of its teaching is mutual pleasure and delight. Men, of course, there are other things which are really important for you to do in your marriages to steward your wife well, and in a loving way. But this is one of the very important ones that is not often spoken about.

How much you lay with your wife is between you and her. Different couples will have different rhythms, so there is no use being prescriptive in this area. Work out a rhythm that works well for both of you and that is regular. But note, that the better you devote yourself to helping this be an area that your wife looks forward to the better this will be for your relationship. Don’t neglect it, don’t abuse it. Note also that looking at porn can destroy this overnight, so shun that stuff. If you have a loving wife, who believes the Bible and wants to fulfill her role in mutual affection, and you steward this well, you will go a long way to helping yourself from every having to deal with the difficult wife.

Till next time.

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