Have you
ever heard the old saying, “Better to have loved and to have lost, than to have
never loved at all.” This is as true a Proverb as any and I found it
interesting how it is illustrated by this short account from the life of Solon
in Plutarch’s Lives,
“On his visit to Thales at Miletus, Solon is said to have
expressed astonishment that his host was wholly indifferent to marriage and the
getting of children. At the time Thales made no answer, but a few days
afterwards he contrived to have a stranger say that he was just arrived after a
ten days' journey from Athens. When Solon asked what news there was at Athens,
the man, who was under instructions what to say, answered: "None other
than the funeral of a young man, who was followed to the grave by the whole
city. For he was the son, as I was told, of an honoured citizen who excelled
all others in virtue; he was not at the funeral of his son; they told me that
he had been travelling abroad for a long time."
"O the miserable man!" said Solon; "pray, what
was his name?"
"I heard the name," the man said, "but I
cannot recall it; only there was great talk of his wisdom and justice."
Thus every answer heightened Solon's fears, and at last, in
great distress of soul, he told his name to the stranger and asked him if it
was Solon's son that was dead. The man said it was; whereupon Solon began to
beat his head and to do and say everything else that betokens a transport of
grief.
But Thales took him by the hand and said, with a smile,
"This it is, O Solon, which keeps me from marriage and the getting of
children; it overwhelms even thee, who art the most stout-hearted of men. But
be not dismayed at this story, for it is not true." Such, at any rate,
according to Hermippus, is the story of Pataecus, who used to boast that he had
Aesop's soul.
However, it is irrational and ignoble to renounce the
acquisition of what we want for fear of losing it; for on this principle a man
cannot be gratified by the possession of wealth, or honour, or wisdom for fear
he may be deprived of them. Indeed, even virtue, the most valuable and pleasing
possession in the world, is often banished by sickness and drugs. And Thales
himself, though unmarried, was nevertheless not wholly free from apprehension
unless he also avoided having friends, or relations, or country. On the
contrary, he had a son by his own adoption, as we are told: Cybisthus, his
sister's son.
For the soul has in itself a capacity for affection and loves
just as naturally as it perceives, understands, and remembers. It clothes
itself in this capacity and attaches itself to those who are not akin to it,
and just as if it were a house or an estate that lacks lawful heirs, this
craving for affection is entered and occupied by alien and illegitimate
children, or retainers, who, along with love for them, inspire anxiety and fear
in their behalf. So that you will find men of a somewhat rugged nature who
argue against marriage and the begetting of children, and then, when children
of their servants or offspring of their concubines fall sick and die, these
same men are racked with sorrow and lament abjectly. Some, too, at the death
even of dogs and horses have been plunged into shameful and intolerable grief.
But others have borne the loss of noble sons without terrible sorrow or
unworthy conduct and have conformed the rest of their lives to the dictates of
reason. For it is weakness, not kindness, that brings men into endless pains
and terrors when they are not trained by reason to endure the assaults of
fortune. Such men do not even enjoy what they long for when they get it, but
are filled with continual pangs, tremors, and struggles by the fear of future
loss. However, we must be fortified not by poverty against deprivation of
worldly goods, nor by friendlessness against loss of friends, nor by
childlessness against death of children, but by reason against all adversities.
This, under present circumstances, is more than enough on this head.[i]
In other words, it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all, is what Plutarch is saying. Because the truth is that mankind is created to form attachments, this is inbuilt in our nature, and we cannot avoid it. So pursue the highest forms of love with fervour.
A man who shuns wife and child, will find himself attached to his friends, or his pets. While it is just and good to have affection for your friends and your pets, these are no substitute for the joy that comes from a good wife and healthy children. To risk not having these things because you risk losing them is, as Plutarch says, not kindness, but weakness.
Just
something to ponder.
Reference
[i]
Plutarch’s Lives. Volume One, The Life of Solon, Castalia Library, pp118-119.
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