When it comes
to addressing divorce in our society one of the things you need to do is cut
through the nonsense. People give many different reasons for divorce. But most
of these just amount to justifications to do what they already wanted to do. That is why I address this in a coming book I am working on.
Here is part
of what I have written about:
Why People
Get Divorced (Matt.
19:3-9)
Jesus gives
one legitimate reason for divorce and remarriage, but he also gives the real
cause of divorce as well,
“3
And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce
one's wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who
created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said,
‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one
flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They
said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce
and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart
Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,
and marries another, commits adultery.”
Why does
Jesus say people get divorced? Hardness of hearts. But what are the reasons
that modern people give for divorce and how does what Jesus say align with
this? It is valuable for us to consider this, because what Jesus does is drive
a nail through the heart of many arguments for divorce.
So, what
reasons do people give for getting divorced?[1]
Infidelity
and adultery
This is the
number one reason for divorce. It might seem strange to distinguish between infidelity
and adultery. But sometimes people divorce because their spouse had sex with
someone else. Sometimes it is because they had affection for someone else and
this ruins the marriage creating lack of affection and love. And sometimes it
is because the person has become consumed by pornography or other deviances. But
when we examine the reasons people give for cheating, we see something
interesting. The justifications given for cheating are anger and resentment or
lack of connection, which leads to contempt. In other words, hardness of
hearts.
Trouble
with finances
People often
say that money issues lead to their divorce. They cannot agree on how to spend,
or set financial goals and go their own financial ways. So, they become
resentful of each other and contempt takes root. In other words, hardness of
hearts.
Lack of
communication
Not being
able to effectively communicate what you are thinking, how you feel, what your
boundaries are, is another reason people give for divorce. When communication
has broken down for long enough people start to get really over this. This
breeds contempt in the relationship, and it comes to an end. In other words, again,
hardness of hearts.
Constant
arguing
Some say their
divorce happened because they are not being heard and have to keep arguing over
the same things. This is just another version of the previous reason. But
instead of not communicating, the couple have become clanging gongs in each
other’s ears, which leads to the same result. This makes them resentful
and hateful of their wife or husband. In other words, hardness of hearts.
Physical
and Emotional Abuse
Marriage dot
com says this contributes to 23.5% of marriages. However, considering that
bringing this up can make the divorce settlement more favourable for a lot of
women, this number should be viewed sceptically.[2] That being said, it still
is a major reason that people give for divorce, and we live in a world today
where the definition of domestic violence has been great expanded. So, it is
likely to be a growing reason, at least in the short term.
When we think
of an abusive spouse we tend to think of a violent or abusive man. But while it
is more likely for men to use violence, women can be violent too. Between 1989
and 2012 men made up one quarter of partner deaths.[3] Usually the man kills the
woman. But this still means that in 25% of cases men were the victims. That is
a massive number, one that many people are probably not aware of.
Whatever the
exact circumstances in each situation, though, we can say for certain that
domestic abuse comes about as a result of hardness of hearts. We will come back
to this later in this book.
Lack of
Intimacy
This can mean
both physical or emotional intimacy, and does not always mean just sex, but
that is often part of the issue. Couples whose intimacy dries up turn against
each other. They become resentful and begin to look at each other with contempt.
“Ignoring your partner’s sexual needs is being called the number one cause of
divorce in recent times.”[4] You know who ignores your
partners need for sex? Someone with a hard heart. So, again Jesus called it.
Other popular
reasons people give for divorce are unrealistic expectations, lack of sharing
the marriage duties, lack of being prepared, and one partner gaining weight.
But if you look into all the reasons why people say this led to their divorce,
you will see that they allowed small hurts to become resentment, and then they
allowed this resentment to become contempt, and this caused their hearts to
become hard.
So, we can
see that Jesus, as usual, is absolutely on the money. Why do people get
divorced? Because of hardness of hearts, “8 He said to them, “Because of your
hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the
beginning it was not so.” Jesus agrees with Moses who brings up hatred as the cause
of divorce, and Malachi who says this, “16 For the man who does not love his
wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment
with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and
do not be faithless” (Mal. 2:16). In Hebrew the word used here is
literally hate. In fact, if you are reading the NKJV it says “hate”.
Hatred, which
is another word for hardness of heart, is why people get divorced. There are
few fates worse than looking over at your wife or husband in the morning and
seeing a contemptible person. Whether the fault is with you, or both of you.
And some people find themselves in this situation, in fact, it happens all to
often. And, once contempt is in the equation the marriage is almost certainly
doomed.
Now, I know
some translations say here that God hates divorce. The KJV says this, “16 For
the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away:…” This makes it
sound like God is saying he hates divorce. This is so because the way it is
written in Hebrew allows for either translation.
That Malachi
is challenging men who hate their wives and divorce them fits better with what
Moses says, and what Jesus says about Moses. But some prefer the KJV reading,
and consider it basic to understanding the topic of divorce. Either way you
translate it the context still shows that God is condemning men who hate their
wives,
“14
But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and
the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your
companion and your wife by covenant. 15 Did he not make them one, with a
portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly
offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless
to the wife of your youth. 16 “For the man who does not love his wife but
divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with
violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do
not be faithless” (Mal. 2:14-16).
The Bible is consistent
in tying divorce to hatred, or hardness of hearts. Which is the same thing,
really.
This means
that we should do all that we can to cultivate a soft heart towards our spouses
in marriage. Whatever the reasons people give for divorce, what is really
happening is that people are latching onto a variety of reasons to harden their
hearts.
[2]
Women making false accusations to get favourable divorce settlements is a well
known phenomenon.
[4]
Bid.
No comments:
Post a Comment