Don’t Let Difficult Family Get To You

 

For some people having difficult family is a source of real struggle in life. But can I encourage you, I have never met anyone who doesn’t have some difficulty in their family somewhere. We even see this in the Bible.

The first wife took the first opportunity she could to rule over her husband, and that husband then just submitted to it passively. The result? The fall of the world and also something very personal, their first son murdered their second son.

Then there is the dishonour that Noah’s son Ham does to him, in uncovering his nakedness.

Then there is Abraham’s mess with a childless wife, a young slave woman and a regretful pregnancy that fractures their family.

Then there is Jacob’s family. Most of the second half of Genesis is spent dealing with the struggles of this one family. The fights between brothers. The clashes of the Jacob’s wives. The pain this causes all of them. If your brothers have not tried to sell you into slavery, because they hate that you are the family favourite, maybe things aren’t as bad as you imagine, right?

Then there is the mess of David’s family, many of the families in the book of judges, and so much more.

Be encouraged, that if you have brokenness in your family, you are not the first, you are not the only one, and you are likely not the worst. Many people feel like failures because of the struggles in their families, but even good families aren’t perfect.

Some families are genuinely healthier than others, that is for sure. Some families exude peace. Some families exude chaos. Most are in the middle of these two positions. None are perfect. The difference between a healthy family and a bad family, is the healthy family have ways of reconciling issues, rather than just manifestly expanding them.

Family is a wonderful gift, that we must steward as God’s people wisely. Don’t think your family is the only one with struggles. But don’t settle for unhappiness being ok. It’s not, the family should be a place of more joy than pain.

I know some of you will want to go to all the family events this year, and this is good. I know some of you will feel obligated to do so, even though you don’t want to.  So, let’s look at some practical wisdom from scripture, about how to navigate the day.

Navigating The Family Gathering

The base line for celebrating Christmas is knowing your freedom in Christ, and that the goal of holiness is genuine joy. The goal of family is happiness, through holiness. The goal of festivals is happiness founded on holiness. This is a base line. But we also want to know how to navigate the difficult situations we can find ourselves in at family events. So, here are some principles of application.

1.     Come with a spirit of joy – Deuteronomy 14:26 - “And you shall eat there before the Lord your God and rejoice, you and your household.” Coming together with your family is supposed to be about joy, especially at a holiday celebration. So, check your spirit before you go. You need to be intentional about this.

If you go with an expectation of conflict, you will likely find it. If you go with a spirit of joy, you might find conflict, but at least it won’t be your fault. You might just get lucky and not find it all. Proverbs 10:28 – “28 The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.”

2.     Keep Your Expectations Low – Philippians 2:3 – “3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Go with low expectations about what you deserve, about what you will get, about how you will be focused on. Think not about what you are going to get, but about what you will give.

If you go in expecting this and expecting that you are likely going to have fights, because you will become offended. With some people this is pretty much all they do to everyone else. Demanding behaviour creates a whirlwind of conflict. 

I am not saying allow yourself to be pushed around, I am just saying don’t be the one who pushes your wait around. 

3.     Think like an adult – 1 Corinthians 13:11 - “11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” Paul quotes this passage in the context of talking about Spiritual gifts, but he is using a principle of wisdom that has far wider application. We need to leave childishness behind us, and act like the adults we are.

Many people, when they go back home for Christmas, default to their instinctive home-based behaviour from childhood. This is the source of a lot of family conflict, a lot!

For some families it is wise to avoid having Christmas at the folks house, if this kind of conflict is normal. Have everyone at your house, or another siblings house, or somewhere neutral. Or don’t all get together at the same time. A change in environment can help with this issue.

But also recognize that get-to-togethers at Christmas are pretty much a day for kids and for grandparents, not parents with childlike behaviour. Make it about them, and watch how much more fun you have.

4.     Be Reticent To Talk – Proverbs 10:19 – “19 When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” I am the first to admit I suck at this. I love a good debate. I don’t tend to start them, but sometimes people say something, and I am like: I cannot let that go! I will not let that go!! “Here I stand I can do no other!” 

But the less you say, the less likely you are to say something that will cause conflict. It’s a simple principle. All the extroverts suck at this. All the introverts are like, yes please. Sometimes the crueller introverts like to say something to provoke the introverts, and sit back and watch.

Most family gatherings are not great places for robust conversation, they should be, but the reality is they just aren’t. Remember this. Also remember it is not your job to change this, you will only hit a brick wall of conflict if you try to.

5.     Lead With Humility – Proverbs 11:2 – “When pride comes, then comes disgrace but with the humble is wisdom.” This one speaks for itself. Come with humility and avoid pride. Pride is the source of many evils, and for some reason, pride is often as close as the apple sauce and Christmas cake at the family Christmas get together. Remember pride is your enemy.

One of the core problems with our pride, is that it is very capable of latching on to our sense of justice. “I am justified!” is often both correct and wrong at the same time. But pride will run with this if we let it. Don’t let it. 

6.     Don’t Be Afraid To Be Honest – Proverbs 11:3 – “3 The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.” None of what I am saying means you cannot share your honest opinion, and challenge what you think is nonsense. Just wrap it up in these previous pearls of wisdom from Scripture. Be honest and be cognizant that not everyone is going to like that.

It is what it is.

7.     It’s Not About Possessions – Proverbs 11:4 – “4 Riches do not profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death.” Don’t be obsessed with what you get or don’t get. Envy and jealousy and greed are other sources of many evils. Don’t begrudge someone else getting more than you either. Celebrate their good favour with them, you will have more fun if you do.

8.     Be Kind – Proverbs 11:17 – “A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.” And last of all be kind. If you approach the day with all of these tools of wisdom under your belt, you have the best chance of successfully dealing with any difficult family.

I am the first to admit that I have not always applied these principles perfectly. We have had some wonderful family Christmas events, and some not so wonderful ones in past years. Some people are just so difficult nothing you do can make it peaceful. Remember in such cases you are free, you are under no obligation, no one is allowed to judge you for choosing not to go along with tradition on Christmas day, and instead just choosing to be away from the conflict.

Be free, and work hard to have fun, righteous and holy joy with your family this Christmas.