Reasons for Divorce

 

This is an excerpt from a new book I am working on. Some might find this controversial, some might find it freeing, other might just need more time to wrestle with it, but this is important for people to engage with, because this is biblical and it is a reality many people face in their lives:

Reasons for Divorce (v.9)

What reasons do people give for divorce? We grew apart. She let herself go. We had different dreams. He wanted me to be his mum and maid. She nagged too much. Life just got on top of us, etc, etc. But we see Jesus gives us one reason, and most people misread it. Jesus said, “9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Most people read this and say that the only reason Jesus gives for divorce is adultery. But he does not say that, he explicitly says, “sexual immorality…” Or sexual sin. This is much broader than adultery. Adultery, as Jesus points out here, is to have sex with another man’s wife or another woman’s husband.

Sexual sin covers a host of other sexual sins, like pornography, homosexuality, fornication and more. We don’t need to go over them all now. So, we can say, that, according to Jesus sexual sin is the legitimate reason for divorce. But what is divorce, and why does this sin allow for it?

This might seem like a no-brainer to ask “what is divorce?” But you will see as we go along, it is actually vital to drill down on this, because there is a big difference between legitimate divorce and illegitimate divorce. The Greek word Jesus uses for divorce in Matthew 19 is “apoluo”. You are probably thinking. Big deal, why are getting into the Greek?

Well, here is why. This is exact same word Jesus uses in the parable of the unmerciful servant when Jesus explains what forgiveness looks like, Matthew. 18:27, “And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.” The word for released here is “apoluo”, the exact same word. The servant was released from all obligation of the debt. But what is even more mind blowing is that Jesus uses the same word in Luke 6:37, “37 Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;…” That’s what blew my mind. The same word Jesus uses for divorce he uses twice to refer to forgiveness.

Wait what??? How is this even possible?

Well, what happens when you truly forgive someone? You release them from the debt or any obligation. You let it go, let it go…now some of you are going to sing that song all day, right…What happens when you legitimately divorce someone? You set them free, you cut them loose. You are from that moment on no longer obligated to them, biblically speaking, because you have cut the bond. This is at the core of what divorce means, it means setting free of all obligations.

In a legitimate divorce, the marriage has been annulled. Spiritually speaking. It is as if it no longer existed. You are now a single person again. The reason sexual sin allows for this is because when you commit sexual sin you break this spiritual bond. You sunder something spiritually. Because you unite with the other person. This is why the person who is legitimately divorced, and I stress legitimately divorced, in Jesus’ eyes, can remarry. Because they are free of all the obligations to their previous annulled marriage.

This is why the legitimately divorced, and again I stress legitimately divorced, man who remarries only has one wife, not two. The other marriage, ACCORDING TO JESUS, is annulled, terminated. The same is true for the woman who legitimately remarries.

The meaning of the word divorce is literally “cut free” or “set loose”. That is what it means. Make sure you do not get confused even though the word Jesus uses for ‘divorce’ can also mean ‘forgiveness’, divorce is not forgiveness.  So, if you are legitimately divorced in God’s eyes no one can hold it against you. Sexually immorality breaks the bond and you are free to then divorce and move on. Some Christians really arc up at this, but this is precisely what Jesus says right here.

This is also why Joseph could be called a righteous and just man, even though he intended to divorce Mary, “And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly” (Matt. 1:19). In Joseph’s eyes Mary had obviously committed sexual immorality, which he was about to find out it was wrong. But the verse emphasizes his reasons for wanting divorce were just.

But the logical application of this is that if you are not divorced legitimately, then you are not free. You have sinned, “9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” This is the other side of the teaching upsets a lot of other Christians, because we can think of heaps of reasons for divorce. But Jesus gave only one. And he only gives it in Matthew, this is not mentioned in Mark or Luke.

This is why the disciples, as I said, are shocked, “10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.” The disciples obviously could think of lots of other reasons to divorce and remarry as well. This has been a problem throughout all human history. But the truth is Jesus does not affirm this challenges the disciples and the Jews listening by pointing out that many divorced people are not legitimately divorced and therefore are not legitimately remarried. That’s what Jesus is saying. That is what the church has long taught as well. In fact, some Christians believe it is wrong to remarry anyway, even though Jesus gives a limited reason for when they can.

Now, I hear some of you thinking, but doesn’t Paul give another reason for divorce in 1 Corinthians 7. Let’s read what he says there,

“12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Cor. 7:12-16).

Paul says that if you are married to an unbeliever and they want to go, let them, you are not enslaved. What is the opposite of enslaved? Free. In other words, he says this cannot be held against you. Some think that he is adding another exception here to the only one that Jesus gave. But I don’t think he is adding to Jesus’ exception, because when someone moves on they usually move on with someone else. You could say Paul is giving a pastoral application of what Jesus’ says. Though some people think he has expanded the reasons for divorce to include abandonment.

Someone else might be thinking, Matt haven’t you taught in the past that ongoing denial of sex from the husband or wife is reason for divorce? Yes, I have and I still do. This might be more controversial, but remember Jesus said it was for sexual immorality that you could divorce and remarry, and denying your spouse in an ongoing and unrepentant way is both cruel and is also a sexual sin,

“3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:3-5).

Paul says, “5 Do not deprive one another…” unless you both agree. And one person suggesting it and the other being made to agree is not what he means. Sex is both a privilege and a responsibility in marriage. “Do not deprive” is a command, unless both want to have a break, or you have a medical reason why you cannot. But that is why we say the vows, for better or worse. Because sometimes life throws hardships at us, that even effect this area of life for married couples. However, in general married men and women should make themselves available to their spouse, otherwise you are actually sinning.

I am not the first person to teach this, this teaching is found throughout church history. There are records throughout medieval Europe of marriages being annulled for this reason. And even Martin Luther said this was a reason for divorce in extreme situations. And I agree.

Now, I know this brings up a whole host of other thoughts, so we will come back to this, but for now, we are just demonstrating that denying your spouse sex is a sexual immorality. And Jesus says that sexual immorality is the only legitimate reason for divorce.

Some people don’t like this, but I think that is because they misread what Jesus says. A sexless marriage can be one of the cruellest prisons for many men and women. It is as much unfaithfulness as adultery itself.