What Do Women Desire The Most?

 

Remember that old Mel Gibson movie, What Women Want, about a misogynistic lady’s man who is given the power to hear what all the women around him are thinking?

Would that be a blessing or a curse? The movie explores that concept in a funny way.

This is a perennial question that men ask, “What DO women want?” They ask it about their girlfriends, about their wives, about women in general. Marketers have learnt to ask it about their favourite market, women, who make most the most purchases in society in most areas. So, what do women want? Or more precisely, what do women desire above all other things?

Well, perhaps some ancient texts can answer this question for us.

In the Wife of Bath’s Tale, in The Canterbury Tales, we read of a disgraced Knight who violated a woman and who is told by the Queen that his only chance at not being killed, is that he should go out into the world and in 12 months a day, find out what it is that women desire the most. The Knight finds his answer,

“Before the knight this old wife did arise,

And said: "Sir knight, hence lies no travelled way.

Tell me what thing you seek, and by your fay.

Perchance you'll find it may the better be;

These ancient folks know many things," said she.

"Dear mother," said this knight assuredly,

"I am but dead, save I can tell, truly,

What thing it is that women most desire;

Could you inform me, I'd pay well your hire."

"Plight me your troth here, hand in hand," said she,

"That you will do, whatever it may be,

The thing I ask if it lie in your might;

And I'll give you your answer ere the night."

"Have here my word," said he. "That thing I grant."

"Then," said the crone, "of this I make my vaunt,

Your life is safe; and I will stand thereby,

Upon my life, the queen will say as I.

Let's see which is the proudest of them all

That wears upon her hair kerchief or caul,

Shall dare say no to that which I shall teach;

Let us go now and without longer speech."

Then whispered she a sentence in his ear,

And bade him to be glad and have no fear.

When they were come unto the court, this knight

Said he had kept his promise as was right,

And ready was his answer, as he said.

Full many a noble wife, and many a maid,

And many a widow, since they are so wise,

The queen herself sitting as high justice,

Assembled were, his answer there to hear;

And then the knight was bidden to appear.

Command was given for silence in the hall,

And that the knight should tell before them all

What thing all worldly women love the best.

This knight did not stand dumb, as does a beast,

But to this question presently answered

With manly voice, so that the whole court heard:

"My liege lady, generally," said he,

"Women desire to have the sovereignty

As well upon their husband as their love,

And to have mastery their man above;

This thing you most desire, though me you kill

Do as you please, I am here at your will."

In all the court there was no wife or maid

Or widow that denied the thing he said,

But all held, he was worthy to have life.”[1]

What do women desire the most in the world? “Women desire to have the sovereignty, as well upon their husband as their love, and to have mastery their man above.” In other words, women desire above all things to rule their husbands. This is exactly how this tale ends, as well. The man ends up being bound by an oath to marry the older woman, who turns out to have the ability to magically transform herself into a pleasing and beautiful wife, but not before she has gained the mastery,

“This knight considered, and did sorely sigh,

But at the last replied as you shall hear:

"My lady and my love, and wife so dear,

I put myself in your wise governing;

Do you choose which may be the more pleasing,

And bring most honour to you, and me also.

I care not which it be of these things two;

For if you like it, that suffices me."

"Then have I got of you the mastery,

Since I may choose and govern, in earnest?"

"Yes, truly, wife," said he, "I hold that best."

"Kiss me," said she, "we'll be no longer wroth,

For by my truth, to you I will be both;

That is to say, I'll be both good and fair.”[2]

Now, I would never say that The Wife of Bath, nor her tale, should be seen as a beacon of morality. Chaucer was not writing a text of high-minded morality, he was writing a series of interesting tales, some that do speak of high morality, others that are simple comedies or interesting stories. However, this insight that women want to rule their husbands, is as true and ancient an insight as you will ever find.

God says to the woman in Genesis 3:16, “Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.” Some have understood this to be sexual desire, and perhaps that is part of it. But when you compare this with the fact that God says in Genesis 4 to Cain that sin desires to have him, but he must rule over it, then it is best understood as sovereignty. The woman wants sovereignty over her husband.

The context best supports this, as well, because Adam deferred to his wife’s authority and ate what she give him. He is responsible for not seeking to rule correctly and rebuking the serpent. But in this act we see the beginning of the battle of the sexes, the struggle between men and women, the desire for the woman to rule, and the temptation for the man to tyrannize or dominate in response. Rather than a relationship of mutuality with the man leading in a harmonious fellowship, a wedge was introduced on this day between man and woman. One that still exists. One that every relationship experiences in one way or another.

This is why there are several commands in the New Testament encouraging wives to submissively respect their husbands (1 Pet. 3:7, Eph. 5:24, Col. 3:18). Because their sinful nature can inspire them to rebel, just as the man’s sinful nature can make him too harsh, too domineering, or oppressive. Which is why Peter says we should consider our wives as they are the weaker vessel and why Paul says that a man and his wife are one and no man hurts his own body.

The Church is really good at addressing the sinful aspects of masculinity. In fact, it has done such a good job at this, that in many cases it has crushed a lot of masculinity in the Church and driven many men away. We have overcorrected from past errors and even some claimed errors, a common human trait no doubt. The Bible challenges the sinful aspects of masculinity as well, so, there is place for this in the Church to be done wisely and biblically. But what is often overlooked is that the Bible addresses the tendency in women to seek to dominate their husbands, or men in general. Here are two stand out passages,

“16 Moreover the Lord says: “Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, And walk with outstretched necks And wanton eyes, Walking and mincing as they go, Making a jingling with their feet, 17 Therefore the Lord will strike with a scab The crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, And the Lord will uncover their secret parts” (Isa. 3:16-17).

“1 Hear this word, you cows of Bashan, who are on the mountain of Samaria, Who oppress the poor, Who crush the needy, Who say to your husbands, “Bring wine, let us drink!” 2 The Lord God has sworn by His holiness: “Behold, the days shall come upon you When He will take you away with fishhooks, And your posterity with fishhooks. 3 You will go out through broken walls, Each one straight ahead of her, And you will be cast into Harmon,” Says the Lord” (Amos. 4:1-3).

The haughtiness of women who have won the battle of the sexes is offensive to God. Just as the man who is domineering to his wife is offensive to God. Sadly, we live in a day and age which is very much akin to the one in which we see in Isaiah 1-3 and Amos 4. These passages are describing, respectively, the kingdom of Judah and the Kingdom of Israel. They are describing societies captured by pusillanimous men and domineering wives, women who mince about, boss their husbands around, and believe they are secure in their prosperity.

Meanwhile, the hoards of men from cultures that don’t tolerate such behaviour are increasing and banging down the doors of our nation…I mean their nation…well, it both really.  

So, what do women desire most of all? This: "Then have I got of you the mastery, Since I may choose and govern, in earnest?" I think many men give into their wife’s desire to rule in the home for a simple reason: it is easier. It is easier to just defer to that than deal with the stress that can come from seeking to resist giving into this. But this is the man’s challenge, to lead well, without becoming a tyrant himself. This is what men are called to. This is the challenge, if you are willing to accept it.

More men should be taught this before they pursue marriage, too many are fooled by our modern society’s lies about egalitarianism and go charging into marriage thinking it will be an equal partnership, only to find out that their wife means by equal that you defer to her whenever she requires. Many Aussie men acquiesce to that desire of their wives. After working all day, dealing with things going wrong at work, dealing with modern traffic, dealing with whatever else is going on, who has the emotional energy to care enough to seek to wrestle over such things?

The diligent man, that is who.

But beware men, because many women come to despise the men who give in and are ruled by them. Women want a man they can respect. They want this as much, or even more, than a man to rule. When they work hard to rule, it is so that they can feel safe. A man who is too easily ruled is not dangerous, but he is also not safe, because his soft belly has been exposed. This is why so many women become very masculine as they age, they have had to harden to keep themselves safe. This is also why so many of these men find their wives falling for other men, they are drawn to a man they can respect.

This area is more of an art than a science. Every couple is going to work this out in different ways, or not at all, but all will face this struggle. I am simply noting that you should not go into marriage unaware of this tendency in women, and of the effects this will have on you, your marriage, your children, your church, and every part of society your family touches.

And society, in general, is barracking for your wife to win the struggle for leadership. Come to think about it, is that not what the movie What Women Want is about? Did not Helen Hunt gain the upper hand over Gibson’s character? Interesting how the newer tales are just versions of the ancient tales, indicating that this is a perennial truth.

List of References

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[1] Chaucer, Geoffrey .. The Canterbury Tales: FREE Hamlet By William Shakespeare (JKL Classics - Active TOC, Active Footnotes ,Illustrated) (pp. 292-293). JKL Classics. Kindle Edition.

[2] Chaucer, Geoffrey .. The Canterbury Tales: FREE Hamlet By William Shakespeare (JKL Classics - Active TOC, Active Footnotes ,Illustrated) (p. 298). JKL Classics. Kindle Edition.