Why Are There No Good Men?

 

Why are there so few good men around, able to lead and take their place of authority in society?? The answer to this is multifaceted, but there is one large foundation for this phenomenon which we see in a Bible passage that is often misunderstood and misapplied. That passage is Proverbs 31. In fact, this passage explains this phenomenon very well, at least a significant part of it.

This is a famous passage, and if you go to any Christian bookstore you will find all sorts of trinkets and items that husbands can by for their wives that describe her as the Proverbs 31 woman. Many have been taught today that Proverbs 31 shows that the Bible encourages women to work outside the home.

But that is not what the passage is describing, nor is it describing the average Christian woman. It is describing the kind of woman a leading man needs: he needs a woman so focused on the home, so focused on getting the best deals at the marketplace, and so focused on directing the household affairs, that he does not even have to worry about it.

The modern working woman is the opposite of this. She leaves her husband a list of chores and household duties every day, because she is too busy to manage the home. What time does he have to lead in society in a significant way?

Hence, the dearth of Proverbs 31 women is directly connected to the male leadership crisis. Let’s go through the passage so I can show that this is what the Bible is teaching in Proverbs 31.

Firstly, we need to recognize the context. At the start of the chapter we see that a King called Lemuel is recounting an oracle that his mother taught. She warns him not to give his strength to women (v.3), not to give himself to win or strong drink (v.4), and not to allow justice to be perverted (vv.5-9). This chapter is giving advice to a powerful man about how he can be a leading man. So, immediately we should recognize that this passage is giving advice to the elite men about how they should live an elite life. 

Then in the context of this Lemuel’s mother gives him advice about the kind of women he needs so that he can rule properly. We know this, because it is advice recounted by a king from his mother, but also because of verse 23, “Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.” The rulers of cities in this era would sit at the gates among the elders to hear peoples cases of justice. This was the custom. So this passage is unequivocally about advice that a royal mother gave to her son, so that he would not be a foolish ruler but a wise and judicious ruler. The kind of ruler that will be honoured and respected by his people, because he does what is just, prudent and right. If he wants to do this well, he needs a woman who will rule his household well.

Firstly, she is trustworthy (vv.11-12). This is vital. A dishonest woman will bring down even a good ruler. She will engage in conspiracy, in slander, and will seek to direct her husband towards evil. Think Jezebel. He needs the antithesis of Jezebel. 

Secondly, she is a good steward of his finances,

“13 She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. 14 She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar 15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. 16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard” (vv.13-16).

It is these verses and other similar ones that people like to use to argue that she has her own career. But this is simply not the case. She goes to the markets, as was the custom in that day, and she trades for good deals. She is not going out into the world to live under another man and seek to advance his business through her trade. That would be anathema to a leading man. No, she goes out into the market to make sure that her household is well looked after. She makes sure that her own husband's property is fruitful.

He can even trust her to spend his money well, because she will use it diligently, rather than foolishly. How frustrating would it be for a man to provide his income to his wife, and find out that she has gotten him into debt, or drained his savings on some unnecessary extravagance? This would be even worse for a ruler.  No, this woman is both wise enough to use his money well, and trustworthy enough that the husband does not need to micromanage how she stewards the home. He goes out to the gates and manages the affairs of the city, knowing he will come home to see his property and wealth multiplied by the wisdom of his excellent wife.

Thirdly, she is hard working, “17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle… 24 She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant” (vv.17-19, 24). She does not spend her day in idleness. She is able to take what she got from the market and turn some profit with it. She can make a dress, create a pot, grow excess food to be sold at the markets. She is industrious. The home is not her prison, nor does she live in a permanent vacation. She is making sure that her household is well managed and productive.

Fourthly, she is generous (v.20). This is the mark of a righteous woman. But she is not giving away her husbands wealth against his will. She is giving out of the excess that she has brought to table. She is such a productive woman that his wealth is increased by her stewardship. Therefore, what she gives is truly his and hers, in every meaning of the word. Both the husband and the wife have brought their best to the table, and because he can trust her, he knows that she will give out of her excess, because she makes sure that there is clothing for her family, even fine clothing (v. 21-22) and that there is food for the entire household prepared and ready to go (v.15).

She is a woman of wisdom and diligence, “26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness” (vv. 26-27). She knows what to say and when to say it, and who to say it too. Her husband and her children consider themselves to be blessed because of the quality of this woman, “28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women have done excellently; but you surpass them all.” (vv.28-29).

Don’t miss what Lemuel said in verse 27 either, “she looks well to the ways of her household…” This woman’s focus is not career centric, her family home is not a port of call where she passes her diminished and working husband like passing ships in the night. She is focused on her household, and all her industriousness is focused on increasing the home's status, wealth, comfort and productivity. A beautiful woman might be nice to look at, however beauty fades, “but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised…” (v.30).

Those who twist this passage to say that women should work out of the home, are actually missing the whole point of this passage. The point is men if you want to lead, your wife needs to be focused on the home. She needs to make it so that you do not have to worry about how it is being run. This is especially true for a king, whose home would be a place of controversy and intrigue if he had a wicked wife.

This is one of the important reasons why there are less and less leading men in our world today in every sector of life. Women go to work, just like their husbands, and then they split the home duties. This diminishes the man’s ability to “sit at the gate” and be a leading man. If he has to worry about picking up the kids, getting the shopping, doing errands, on a regular basis, then he is going to have little time for the self-improvement necessary to help him stand out amongst other men, and he is going to have little time for contributing beyond his work and the home. This is the bind modern society is in today. Women want leading men, but they don’t realize how they are contributing to the dearth of leading men.

But men, this is where I challenge you. I must ask, are you asking too much of your wife? Peter warns us not to do this, “7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7). This passage is well known, but it is often reduced down to a warning to men not to abuse their wives. Of course, it does apply to this, but it applies much more broadly too. You see your wife will likely be incredibly intelligent, incredibly capable, willing to work hard, willing to contribute financially and more, and you might fall into the trap of asking her to do too much, and then wear her down.

There would be more Proverbs 31 women if less men were asking too much from their wives. I see a growing trend in society of older women leaving their husbands. My observation is that many of these women were at one point stay-at-home wives who went back into the work force to help pay the mortgage and the other bills. But men don’t realize that even though their wife is capable of doing this, that does not mean she was intended to do this, and they run the risk of this woman over-extending herself, and if she does that, you will likely be the one she comes to resent. Aussie men are known for asking too much of their wives. Some do it because they have been taught an incorrect reading of this passage in Proverbs.

In short:

A man cannot be the leader in the home, church or wider society that he is called to be, if he is forced to manage the home as well.

A woman is the weaker vessel, and therefore when she is asked to do too much, you are running the risk of burning her out and this will come back to bite you.

God delineates male and female roles for a reason. Just one look at the state of society today should be enough to convince us that we are foolish to not listen to him.