A Sexless Marriage

 

Sadly some people live in sexless marriages. Some figures I have seen show that about 10 to 20 percent of couples live in sexless marriages. Though precise numbers are hard to nail down. However, this is a known problem, a serious problem, and a thoroughly avoidable problem. Here is an excerpt from my upcoming book on marriage about the issue:

Now, of course, there are heaps of reasons why a marriage could become a barren wasteland in the realm of sex. I want to put aside all of the health reasons for now, because that is why we take the vows “for better or for worse” remember. But if you find yourself not wanting to have sex with your husband or your wife, it is usually for one of these reasons:

Maybe the man is being…what’s the word?

You know the word? It is what you get when you cross a male donkey with a female horse…not mule, the other one. Maybe the man is being an ass.

As Mark Gungor says, “Be nice to the girl. Be nice to the girl.” By nice, I do not mean be subservient or weak either. Men you are to lead, you are to take the initiative, but don’t let this cross over into domineering behaviour or neglectful behaviour. Being excessively weak and excessively domineering will not help your wife want to love you. If she feels you are strong and your strength is there for her benefit, this will help you in incredible ways. If she feels that you cherish her, then this will also help you in incredible ways. Men should just be aware that their behaviour matters in regards to this issue.

Maybe the woman is being sexually lose

By this I do not mean actually cheating on her husband, though that can become a version of this. What I am referring to here is the woman being flirtatious, or overly friendly with other men. I have seen wives do this and it and it is awful. It undermines your husband and believe me he is not ok with it, even if he does not appear to say anything. This will kill a man’s desire for his wife as quickly as anything. It is sinful, wrong and disrespectful. A woman who cannot reign her behaviour in around other men will find her husband turn away from her. Though, if she is like this, there is probably a part of her that wants that to happen, hence you have a whole range of problems to work through in that case.  

Maybe little wounds have added up

Sometimes you have just hurt each other so many times in so many ways that you look at each other and see an open wound and there is little to no sexual desire left for either spouse. I once heard a Christian marriage counsellor advise that if you find yourself in this situation sleep naked together at night until things change. He predicted that it would not take too long for the situation to change. Remember, God created sex in part to work like a reset button. Sex and forgiveness are equally powerful for achieving regular resets in your marriage. But holding on to little hurts and allowing them to fester can become a major road block to intimacy in marriage.

Maybe you have just forgotten to delight in each other

Maybe neither of you have done anything drastic or terrible to each other, but simply from busyness, or distraction, or the complexities of life, you have just neglected each other. This is a dangerous and all-too-common possibility in our double income, extra-curricular, middle-class society. After you have both worked, picked up the kids from their expensive school, done the swimming lessons, music lessons, sport sessions, done the washing, mowing, cooked dinner, watched 3 more episodes on Netflix than you intended, after all of that, delighting in each other just doesn’t sound all that delightful sometimes. But remember this is a vital part of marriage, as the Bible tells us:

Proverbs 5:18-19, “18 Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Prov. 5:18-19).

Song of Solomon 1:2-4 , “2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine; 3 your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love you. 4 Draw me after you; let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers.”

Song of Solomon 5:1, “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!”

Solomon made sure he did not forget this, and he had a thousand wives. You think you are busy? But in all seriousness to neglect this is to wave a flag to the devil and draw his attention.

Flirt with each other. Show affection to each other throughout the day. And don’t neglect this area of your life.

One or both of you is addicted to porn

This can kill desire. Boy can this kill it. Some people argue that porn is even a legitimate reason for divorce. Jesus does after all say “sexual immorality,” and porn is sexual immorality. Many sexual predators in jail began with porn addictions. I have heard of wives turning on their husband’s computer and finding not just sinful but criminal stuff on there. How is that not a legitimate example of “sexual immorality”? In any measure porn can kill sexual desire in a marriage. So, you need to head this off at the pass, remember the words of Johnny Cash, “You can run on for a long time, run on for a long time, you can run on for a long time, but sooner or later God will cut you down.”

There are probably other things, aside from medical issues, that can cause this. Some mothers become distant during the early years of having children. Some people simply feel much less need for sexual intimacy and this can cause issues. Whatever the causes, remember that regular sex with each other will draw you closer together, it will make your marriage a stronger place for your children, it will help relieve stress, it will help you sleep better, it will help you fight temptation. If you are struggling to sleep well try this before you try medication or anything like that.

Even though this is a book, this is not simply an academic exercise. So, if you are having issues in this area you need to speed, as a couple, to trusted friends, family, your pastor, or an experienced and respected elder in your church to begin working on this area. Because sex is powerful and the devil can run riot in your life if you don’t steward this well.

This is an area that you can easily avoid if you approach it with wisdom and godly intentionality. God designed us to flourish with regular affection. Allowing this area of your marriage to be neglected is very dangerous. It is known to have broken the foundations of many marriages. Therefore, don’t neglect this area.