I am
currently working on a book about marriage, but I think it might be helpful to
people to share some of what is in it from time to time as I continue to work
on it. Here is a section where I am discussing the sexual nature of marriage.
Something that needs to be emphasized in our day and age.
Because sex
makes marriage different to any other relationship Jesus says that if you are
not interested in sex, marriage is not for you, “10 The disciples said to him,
“If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But
he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom
it is given.” There are those who read this to mean that staying single is the
superior way of living. For example, Augustine says, “…but those who live at
the higher level, who are not entangled in the meshes of marriage life…”[1]
The Apostle
Paul even seems to agree with this, as he says, “38 So then he who marries his
betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.” (1
Cor. 7:38). Paul and Augustine appear to agree. Paul seems to imply that
marriage is a concession for those who cannot control themselves. And that to
be unmarried is the higher state of living, as you can focus on serving God. So,
you can read Paul as teaching this. And many have. I would argue that what he
says here is tied to a “present crisis” that Paul addresses in Corinthians, but
many Christians have read him and Jesus to teach that single life is superior
to marriage life.
But I think
it is better to read Jesus to mean this, “If you are not prepared for the
sexual covenant you have entered, then you are not fit for marriage. If you are
not prepared to stay faithful, don’t marry. If you are not prepared to enjoy
sex with only your husband or wife, and to fulfil this part of your
relationship, don’t marry. If you are not prepared to tie yourself to that
person relationally and sexually for life, marriage is not for you.” Marriage
is not just about companionship. If you want companionship get a dog, join a
knitting club, or get a roommate.
Companionship
IS a big part of marriage, please don’t misunderstand me. But that is
not all that it is. The problem is that some people only want that, and they
hoodwink their husband or wife into thinking they wanted a marriage, when all
they wanted was someone there when they come home. Jesus drives this home with
what he says next,
“12
For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who
have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves
eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to
receive this receive it.”
(Now we all
remember what a Eunuch is right?) In other words:
Jesus says
that there are some who are born with no sexual desire or ability. I believe
Jesus uses this word Eunuch here both literally and metaphorically at the same
time, which is something the Bible does more than we would all like. These
people are effectively like Eunuchs.
He then says
there are some who are made Eunuchs. This was a common practice in the ancient
East. Court Eunuchs were often the highest rank of slaves, even sometimes being
next in line to a king in terms of practical power. It is likely that this is
what happened to Daniel and his three friends, as they were given to the chief
Eunuch. Sometimes this was a form of punishment by cruel rulers. Even up to
very modern times there still existed castrati who were made that way to be
singers. Modern sex change surgery is like being made into a Eunuch, and many
find this out the hard way.
He also says
that there are some who become Eunuchs for the sake of serving God. This is why
I think Jesus uses this word both literally and metaphorically. Because some
people are made Eunuchs, and others, like Paul, choose a life of celibacy to
serve God. I do not believe Jesus would affirm somebody literally
making themselves a Eunuch. He is not encouraging self-harm here, which was a
pagan practice, never a Christian or Mosaic Law practice.[2] Jesus is telling us that
if you can accept what he is saying, you can choose the right path, to marry or
not to marry. Some people cannot accept that marriage is a life-long sexual
commitment. Or that it at least is meant to be.
This is not
just true of the sexually unfaithful.[3] There are both men and
women in marriage who come to resent their wife or their husband’s desire for
regular sexual connection. They scorn it. This can come in various extremes.
Such a
marriage is a contradiction in terms. Marriage is a sexual relationship. That
is not all it is, of course, but it is central. Sex in marriage is both a gift
and an obligation. If it feels more like an obligation for one or both of you,
then you are doing something wrong, I would say. And you really need to work on
this area. Especially if one or both of you were sexually active before you were
married. This can leave all sorts of relational and even physical scars in your
marriage that you need to keep on top of. Don’t just expect things to get
better, you need to take intentional steps to improve in this area. The quality
of your marriage depends on it. Maybe even the existence, or lasting nature of
your marriage, depends on it. In fact, in many cases you can say that many
marriages fail because people do not actively seek to heal in this area.
Look I need
to reiterate this too, we also take vows, “for better or worse.” If there is a
medical reason why someone is not able to have sex then that is part of your
cross to bear. We live in a fallen broken world, and sometimes really bad
things happen.
This idea
obviously needs more unpacking and I do so in the book, including bringing in
what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 which reinforces what Jesus says here.
However, I think it is important for people to reminded that marriage is a
sexual union, not simply a union. Too often Christians forget this. Don’t neglect
this area, don’t give the devil the opportunity to mess with your marriage.
List of
References
[1]
Augustine, City of God, p12.
[2]
C.F. 1 Kings 18:28 where we see the prophets of Baal cutting themselves.
[3]
Might need to reword this part.
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