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Thursday 18 January 2024

How To Attract A Woman


I was having a conversation with a young man not that long ago and he said two things which were interesting because they are pretty common and I think they need addressing: 1) there are no good women out there, 2) even if there were he was not sure how to attract them. I think this is a common sentiment among many of today’s young men. So, I thought I might write a few observations and some advice in this regard.

Firstly, the statement that there are no good women anymore is both absolutely correct and terribly wrong. It is correct in the sense that there is none who are good, no not one among humanity; we are all sinners.[1]. I am not just saying this as some kind of theological clich√© to be cute. Think about the implications of this statement, there has never been a perfect generation of women. There may be ways in which some women in a particular generation show more positive attributes and some women in another generation show more negative attributes, but women have always been fallen. Because of this they have also always been hypergamous, they have always been prone to contention with their husbands (going back to Eve and the curse in Genesis 3), and they have always been prone to other feminine weaknesses. Women have their flaws, we men have ours. This is true across the generations.  

You can read a history of France and see how women came to dominate the court of the Bourbons in the later years of their dynasty. You can see with true clarity how Louis the XVI was completely overrun and dominated by his wife, Marie Antoinette, and you can see how this weakness put the throne of the kingdom in a far more precarious position than it should have been in, even in a contentious climate. You can read a history of the Islamic Mogul rulers of India and see how even though these men lived in one of the most patriarchal societies that can be even imagined by the modern man, with their harems filled with feminine delights from across their empire and beyond, still you will see that women came to dominate these courts as well. This is common in polygamous cultures, women often become the powers behind the scenes, because they compete against each other to get their own sons on the throne. I cannot remember which precise ruler this was, but one Byzantine emperor is reported to have told his successor not to allow women into the court because of the issues it would cause. Whichever emperor said that has surely been vindicated by the French disasters, the Mogul disasters and many others in history.[2]

You can even read this sort of insight in the Bible, 

16 The Lord said: Because the daughters of Zion are haughty and walk with outstretched necks, glancing wantonly with their eyes, mincing along as they go, tinkling with their feet, 17 therefore the Lord will strike with a scab the heads of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will lay bare their secret parts” (Isaiah 3:16-17).

There is nothing about the way these women are described in Isaiah that separates them from many of the feminism influenced women of our day. Of course, it would be just as false to say that no generation is worse than any other, the books of Judges, and 1 and 2 Kings, among others in the Bible, show that some generations are far worse than others on average. Yet, still, you should not forget that men of every generation have had to contend with pursuing women in a fallen world, who were corrupted by sin, just as men are, and who therefore had all sorts of ungodly expectations and beliefs. A Victorian woman may have been much more likely to be chaste, but her hypergamy was backed up by an entire structure designed to perpetuate class. Imagine how difficult this made it for many younger men of no means to land a wife? Yet men still managed.  

Yes, women are less likely to be virgins today. But so are men, and even more pertinent is that many more men are likely to be corrupted by porn than men of the past; it is not just men who face worse prospects in dating than some other generations. Yes, women are less likely to come from a complete home. But so are men. Every generation has had to face its own particular challenge and you can only play the hands that you have been dealt. You may have less pure women to select from, but you don’t have to worry about Napoleon drafting you on your marriage day and frog marching you into the ranks of another one of his self-aggrandizing battles that were draining France of her young men. There is no use complaining about your situation. Also many women who have previously lacked morals have turned into good wives. I would never advise a young man to pursue a woman who was incredibly promiscuous by deliberate strategy, but remember that Rahab ended up being a faithful woman in the lineage of David and the Lord Jesus himself. Women, as with men, can be transformed, and many people, even people who have made many mistakes, long to settle down and have a family. So, yes, modern women have been corrupted in a lot of instances, just as have men.  

But the statement that there are no good women is also incredibly wrong. I see many young married men and women of incredible character. I see many young unmarried men and women of incredible character. If there are no women like this in your circles, you are in the wrong circles, obviously. And I am not saying these are perfect women, because such women will not be found. But young women who have done the right thing in the realm of sex and have been raised to be mothers are out there, and they appear to be increasing in number. When I became a Christian and said that I wanted to marry a Christian woman, one of my brother’s friends said to me, “How are you going to find a good Christian woman? The church makes up only 3% of the population, and young eligible women are a small percentage of that?” I just said, it won’t be hard. And it wasn’t. Because in church there are plenty of young eligible women and the percentage of them in church is all that mattered in the end. Not the percentage in society. You don’t try and date at a population level selection, you select dates in specific contexts through your social network. 

I frankly think young men who talk too much about how there are no good women out there have spent too much time hearing that from redpill guys online who have some kind twisted motivation to try and stop other men from getting married. Just shut those guys out, join a good church, go to Christian social events and say high to people, you’ll have a very high chance of meeting someone you could marry. If there are not many young women your age in your church you don’t need to get up and leave your church either. You are more likely to meet someone at social events than actually at church. My observation, going back to well into my early years as a Christian, is that in church the young men and women, on average, spend so much time correctly seeing each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, that they incorrectly struggle to bridge this divide to begin a relationship that can lead to marriage when the time is right. There are plenty of exceptions to this, but I find it remarkable how many young men and women find the person they want to marry not at their own church but at Bible college, or youth camps, or some other social adventure. That’s just something to think about.  

But now for the second statement, how to attract a young woman. Just be handsome, right. I suspect someone has told you at some point, “Just be yourself.” This is often bad advice, unless yourself is someone who has no trouble meeting with and engaging with the opposite sex. But if that was how you were you would not be thinking, “How do I attract a woman?” When it comes to this some of the principles are as old as time itself. There is the funny passage in scripture where Jacob meets Rachel for the first time and we read this,

“9 While he was still speaking with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was a shepherdess. 10 Now as soon as Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, Jacob came near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother” (Genesis 29:9-10).

There is something said for being strong and confident. As soon as Jacob saw this beautiful woman coming, and we know she is beautiful because the rest of the story bears this out, he sought to gain her interest with his feats of strength. Of course, it was more important for him to get her father on side, but still his masculine biology kicked into gear, and he put on a display of strength for a woman, just like we have all seen other young men do in front of young women. This is basic human behaviour; pretty girls like a measure of strength in their man. So doing weights and making decisions which can help your confidence are wise things to do. Of course, you want to make sure you are a man of character as well, that is a given, but don’t overlook those basic things which attract the opposite sex. How many times and ways does the Bible encourage men to be strong, to be defenders, to be providers? Strength is overlooked by many modern men, don’t overlook it.

But the even more important thing a Christian young man can do to make himself notable to young Christian women around him is to get involved in some level of Christian ministry. I don’t mean you have to go to Bible college and become a pastor, though many men have found their wives that way, I simply mean get involved and serve.

Despite knowing how annoyed at this I know some Christians will get, it must be stated that Christian women are just as hypergamous as non-Christian women. With Christian women of lower character you might not be able to distinguish between the men they date and the men non-Christian women date. But you are not looking for such a woman. You are looking for a Christian woman of strong character. Someone who is not focused on wealth, looks, or other worldly things. These kinds of women exist but they are still hypergamous. The difference is that they factor in the way that other men and people in the church accept you as a leader or man of note in the community as part of their way of ranking you. For many of these women it will not necessarily be conscious, but for some it will be. Why do you think pastors are rarely single and are often married to woman who are prettier than the average, even if the pastor himself is relatively average? Because in Christian circles the young Christian man who has note in the church matters to a good Christian woman. She wants a man who is serving for Christ in an admirable way and is recognized for this. This is true for men who serve at all different levels in the church as well.

Now, I am not saying that you should go to Bible College and become a pastor just so you can get a pretty wife. That would be foolish. If you don’t have that call on your life you will not last the distance and you will lead a poor woman on and cause yourself no end of troubles. What I am saying is that there are basic human realities and understanding them can help you to know the kind of young Christian man you should be seeking to become. Christian women are trained, whether intentionally or not, to reframe their hypergamy through Christian principles. But the hypergamy is still there. You can make this work in your favour by putting into practice the things that the scriptures asks of a young man; to be faithful in their service in the church community, working hard to become a provider, using your gifts in the church, etc, etc. If you do these things you will find yourself working alongside a young woman at some point who is a potential, even likely, marriage partner. She will likely have been alongside you longer than you realized waiting for you to notice her. I was not aware of any of this when I was young, but I have observed it more and more as I have gotten older.

The reason you go to church should not be to find a wife. The reason you go there should be to worship God, become more faithful in your walk with him, contribute to the Christian community and be challenged to grow in your faith. It just so happens that the men who really focus on this and become an intrinsic part of their church or Christian community almost always quickly find a good wife. I have seen it again and again and again.

So, in summary, don’t listen to those who say there are no good women. Why defeat yourself before you have even begun to run the race? Why take marriage or dating advice from people that admit they have done terribly at it their whole lives? That is the kind of men who make up much of the redpill community. Also recognize that many generations of ordinary men have found that attracting a good wife is not that hard, when they are dedicated to doing the kinds of things that good women find attractive. So, focus on doing those things.

[1] C.f. Romans 3 for this theology.

[2] Including modern parliaments of course.

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