Christian Principles For Dating

 

Have you heard of the Christians-should-not-date trend? It has been around for a while, and has had a massive impact on the church. It has had some good impact in teaching people to be smarter about heading towards marriage. But overall it has caused many young people to avoid relationships that could have led to fruitful marriages. I saw this happening from the time I was a young Christian in 2006. Many young people I knew avoided good relationships because they were made to be fearful of dating because of overly strict Christian teaching. So, from a very early time I have completely rejected the idea that Christians should not date. Dating is neither forbidden nor discouraged in the Bible. To say Christians should not date, then, is clearly to copy the Pharisaical trend of adding to the law.

However, in the modern landscape of relationships, where dating is often casual and self-focused, the Christian young person is called to a radically different standard, therefore, the Church must speak into this. For the young, or even older, Christian the journey of dating is not merely a path to companionship or personal fulfillment, but a sacred process of discernment, a testing ground for character, and a potential prelude to one of life’s most profound covenants: marriage. For the young Christian, dating must be re-framed not as an end in itself, but as an intentional journey towards marriage, undertaken with God at the centre. The Bible gives vital wisdom to young believers that can help them navigate this often-turbulent season with wisdom, purity, and purpose.

Date With Intent to Marry

The first and most crucial principle for a Christian is to understand where you are headed. In a culture that encourages "seeing what's out there," the Christian’s purpose must be more defined. The ultimate goal of Christian dating is to evaluate a potential spouse for a God-honouring marriage. Dating is not just about getting notches on the belt or testing your pick up skills, or how many young men a woman can get to buy her dinner, it needs to be smart and purposeful. This does not mean that every date must be a nerve-wracking interview for matrimony, but it does mean the process should be intentional rather than aimless.

Scripture elevates marriage to a holy institution. Genesis 2:24 establishes its foundational blueprint: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." The Apostle Paul further lifts it up, showing that the union between a husband and wife points to the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:31-32). When dating is viewed through this lens, it becomes a time of careful evaluation.

Is this person’s character, faith, and life goals compatible with a union that could one day reflect Christ's love for the Church?

Will marrying this person help you be a better Christian?

Are you and this person agreed in what it means to be a practicing and dedicated Christian?

Approaching dating with this kind of purpose guards against prolonged, directionless relationships that can lead to emotional entanglement without the commitment of marriage. It encourages young Christians to "not be unequally yoked with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14) from the very beginning, seeking a spouse who shares their fundamental commitment to Christ.

God Comes First

The person you marry will have the biggest impact on your belief system of anyone in your life. You will be moulded by your relationship to them in many ways. Therefore, before you can healthily seek a spouse, you must first be confident in your knowledge of Jesus Christ and what he asks of you as a believer. A common pitfall in Christian dating is looking to a romantic relationship to fulfill needs that only God can meet; needs for identity, validation, and ultimate security. This places an impossible burden on a fallen human being and sets the relationship up for failure. You want to be married to someone who knows they come second to Jesus, because in their life you also come second to Jesus.

Jesus provides the correct order of priorities in the Sermon on the Mount: "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" (Matthew 6:33). "All these things" includes a godly spouse, in His timing and according to His will. A young person who is actively pursuing their own relationship with God—through prayer, Scripture, fellowship, and service—is building their life on the only unshakable foundation.

This spiritual maturity is a highly attractive quality to another genuine and intentional believer and it should be the primary one they and you should look for in a husband or wife. However, don’t be naïve. Physical looks, confidence, strength, kindness, coolness under pressure, being capable and many other things will increase your attractiveness as well. These things will also influence who you are interested in. They say the heart wants what it wants, but also remember the heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9). Therefore, you have to be very intentional about making sure that you do not let physical characteristics override spiritual ones. It is good to be sexually attracted to your wife or your husband. But it is stressful to be married to a good looking person of low character. Don’t neglect attraction, but make it your servant rather than your master.

 A relationship where both individuals are independently and passionately pursuing Christ will naturally draw closer to each other as they draw closer to Him. This principle transforms dating from a desperate search for completion into a joyful exploration of whether two already-complete-in-Christ individuals can better serve God together than apart.

But this does not mean you should be passive. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.” Young men, you are allowed to, and I would say you should, actively search and pursue a wife. Generally the men will do this part, however young women you should know young men tend to be oblivious so showing obvious interest is good. Ruth pursued Boaz and she was a noble woman. This stage of life is more a dance or an art than a science, so don’t lock yourself into traditions about who should approach who. But men, know this, women like men who take initiative, if they are interested in that man of course.

Honour God With Your Body and Mind

In a world saturated with sexual imagery and pressure, the biblical call to purity stands as a counter-cultural witness. The Christian standard for sexual purity, which is reserving sexual intimacy for the covenant of marriage, is often one of the most challenging aspects of dating. However, Scripture does not present this just as a restrictive rule, but as a protective and honouring design that exists for your protection from a host of evils.

First Thessalonians 4:3-5 states plainly: "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God." Purity is about more than just physical actions; it is about the orientation of the heart and taking every thought captive it is a battle, but a battle you must fight. It is about honoring God and the other person by refusing to use them for selfish gratification. Remember when the person you are dating believes in God this makes him a child of God, and God does not take kindly to his people being mistreated, so keep this in your mind. Chastity protects the profound spiritual and emotional bonding that sexual intimacy is designed to create, reserving it for the safe, committed container of marriage.

Maintaining purity requires proactive strategies. It involves setting physical boundaries early and holding one another accountable to them. It means "fleeing" from tempting situations (1 Corinthians 6:18) and guarding one's heart and mind (Proverbs 4:23). This includes being discerning about media consumption, where you go on dates, and the level of emotional intimacy before a commitment is made. For instance, I would suggest if you own a Ute or a pickup truck don’t even consider using it for a date unless you are with a group of people you know will not leave you alone with your date. Being intentional about how you socialise will increase your respect for each other, and grant you a stronger foundation for marriage.

Purity is a battle fought not just with the body, but with the eyes, the mind, and the heart. It is a difficult but important act of worship of the Lord Jesus, that demonstrates how you value God's design and the worth of the other person above temporary pleasure.

I would also advise young men in this age of post-#metoo that you need to be cognizant of the fact that many young women have been trained by secular ideology to see harmless misunderstandings as more sinister intention. Hence, it is wise for both the young man and the young woman to not put themselves in a situation where you are in danger of either immorality or accusation. I actually think dating is probably harder for many young people today than it ever was before. Which just means you need to be way more intentional about protecting yourself. Young women have long known this, to some degree, but young men now need to think about this too from a different angle. 

Character, Love and Honour Are Vital

Within the boundaries of purpose and purity, the day-to-day fabric of the relationship must be woven with the threads of biblical love. This is not the fleeting, feeling-based love of popular culture, but the active, sacrificial love described in Scripture.

First Corinthians 13:4-7 provides the definitive blueprint:

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

This passage offers a practical checklist for any dating couple. Are we patient with each other? Are we kind in our words and actions? Are we rejecting jealousy and pride? Are we seeking the good of the other, rather than insisting on our own way? Marriage is not about finding someone to dominate, but about finding someone to cherish and who will cherish you.

This kind of love is impossible to cultivate without honest, humble, and grace-filled communication. Ephesians 4:15 instructs believers to speak the truth in love. In a dating context, this means having difficult conversations about expectations, conflicts, and feelings without resorting to manipulation, gossip, or anger. It involves being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19). A couple that learns to communicate through disagreements, to confess faults, and to extend forgiveness during the dating season is building a skillset that will prove invaluable in marriage.

However, if conflict is too common and too heightened, you should both recognize that you are likely not well suited to each other. This is why physical boundaries are vital, it makes it easier to make good decisions about your dating partner if you need to end things.

Dating in the Light

Finally, Christian dating should not be a private affair to be conducted in isolation. A relationship hidden from the scrutiny and support of your family and your faith community is a relationship at risk. God has given believers the gift of the Church; a body of older, wiser mentors and faithful peers who can offer counsel, prayer, and accountability. This will be especially important if you do not have a close relationship with your parents, or if they are people of low character or are just outright non-Christians. You will do well to have the input of other trusted believers in your dating experience.

Proverbs 11:14 declares, "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." A dating couple should actively seek out the wisdom of their pastor, mature married couples, and parents. These individuals can see blind spots, ask hard questions, and provide perspective that is clouded by infatuation. Allowing others to speak into the relationship is an act of humility that acknowledges our own capacity for error. It ensures the relationship is conducted "in the light," fostering health and integrity (1 John 1:7).

This involvement from others can sometimes become interference. Christians will sit on a spectrum of belief about how involved parents should be in the dating stage of a relationship. However, no involvement is unhealthy, though this might simply be a product of a dearth of good family examples, and if you are an adult then being treated like a child is also unhealthy. Wisdom sits between these extremes.

A young person does always not do wrong by marrying someone their parents are not super fond of, however, their displeasure is often also something which should be heeded and taken very seriously. You don’t want to marry and then be cut off from your family, but your family also needs to recognize that they trained you, raised you and equipped you, and made it so that you are ready to make your own decisions. Wise parents and wise youths seeking to marry will have an ongoing dialogue about the relationship and the ultimate goal of marriage.

You should not marry an unbeliever. A woman should avoid a man who is not going to be able to provide. But this does not mean he has to have vast resources before you marry either, you can build a life and wealth together from very little, as long as you have Jesus, love and loyalty. The Bible is not very prescriptive on the list of attributes someone should have that you marry. But it does describe a high-quality woman (Prov. 31) and it does say men should be examples in the faith and providers.

Remember, also, to some degree you marry into the family of your new wife or husband, so don’t ignore this. Someone might seem like an incredible catch, but the drama that comes with that relationship might be too much. Conversely, many married couples learn to keep unhealthy extended family at a distance, so don’t judge too quickly or harshly.  

Conclusion: An Act of Worship

More could be said, but I think this is already a lot of food for thought. I think we have seen that dating can be done in a biblical way. The key is how you approach it. Approaching it like the world would be a disaster. Approaching it with wisdom will bring great blessings into your life.

Remember, for the young Christian, dating is far more than a social activity; it is a discipleship issue. It is a practical arena where faith is worked out through choices about priorities, purity, love, and community. By seeking God first, embracing intentionality, pursuing holiness, practicing biblical love, and inviting the wisdom of the Body of Christ, a young believer can navigate the dating world not with anxiety, but with confidence and hope. This approach transforms dating from a source of drama and heartbreak into a purposeful journey of faith. Ultimately, a Christian dating relationship, when founded on these principles, becomes a profound act of worship—a living testament to the belief that God is the author of love, and His ways are always for our good and His glory. If you are intentional about keeping this perspective you will do better than most.