This is an
excerpt from a new book I am working on. Some might find this controversial,
some might find it freeing, other might just need more time to wrestle with it,
but this is important for people to engage with, because this is biblical and
it is a reality many people face in their lives:
Reasons
for Divorce (v.9)
What reasons
do people give for divorce? We grew apart. She let herself go. We had different
dreams. He wanted me to be his mum and maid. She nagged too much. Life just got
on top of us, etc, etc. But we see Jesus gives us one reason, and most people
misread it. Jesus said, “9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except
for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Most people read
this and say that the only reason Jesus gives for divorce is adultery. But he
does not say that, he explicitly says, “sexual immorality…” Or sexual sin. This
is much broader than adultery. Adultery, as Jesus points out here, is to have
sex with another man’s wife or another woman’s husband.
Sexual sin
covers a host of other sexual sins, like pornography, homosexuality,
fornication and more. We don’t need to go over them all now. So, we can say,
that, according to Jesus sexual sin is the legitimate reason for divorce. But
what is divorce, and why does this sin allow for it?
This might
seem like a no-brainer to ask “what is divorce?” But you will see as we go
along, it is actually vital to drill down on this, because there is a big
difference between legitimate divorce and illegitimate divorce. The Greek word
Jesus uses for divorce in Matthew 19 is “apoluo”. You are probably thinking.
Big deal, why are getting into the Greek?
Well, here is
why. This is exact same word Jesus uses in the parable of the unmerciful
servant when Jesus explains what forgiveness looks like, Matthew. 18:27, “And
out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him
the debt.” The word for released here is “apoluo”, the exact same word. The
servant was released from all obligation of the debt. But what is even more
mind blowing is that Jesus uses the same word in Luke 6:37, “37 Judge not, and
you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive,
and you will be forgiven;…” That’s what blew my mind. The same word Jesus uses
for divorce he uses twice to refer to forgiveness.
Wait what???
How is this even possible?
Well, what
happens when you truly forgive someone? You release them from the debt or any
obligation. You let it go, let it go…now some of you are going to sing that
song all day, right…What happens when you legitimately divorce someone? You set
them free, you cut them loose. You are from that moment on no longer obligated
to them, biblically speaking, because you have cut the bond. This is at the
core of what divorce means, it means setting free of all obligations.
In a
legitimate divorce, the marriage has been annulled. Spiritually speaking. It is
as if it no longer existed. You are now a single person again. The reason
sexual sin allows for this is because when you commit sexual sin you break this
spiritual bond. You sunder something spiritually. Because you unite with the
other person. This is why the person who is legitimately divorced, and I stress
legitimately divorced, in Jesus’ eyes, can remarry. Because they are free of
all the obligations to their previous annulled marriage.
This is why
the legitimately divorced, and again I stress legitimately divorced, man who
remarries only has one wife, not two. The other marriage, ACCORDING TO JESUS,
is annulled, terminated. The same is true for the woman who legitimately
remarries.
The meaning
of the word divorce is literally “cut free” or “set loose”. That is what it
means. Make sure you do not get confused even though the word Jesus uses for
‘divorce’ can also mean ‘forgiveness’, divorce is not forgiveness. So, if you are legitimately divorced in God’s
eyes no one can hold it against you. Sexually immorality breaks the bond and
you are free to then divorce and move on. Some Christians really arc up at
this, but this is precisely what Jesus says right here.
This is also
why Joseph could be called a righteous and just man, even though he intended to
divorce Mary, “And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put
her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly” (Matt. 1:19). In Joseph’s eyes
Mary had obviously committed sexual immorality, which he was about to find out
it was wrong. But the verse emphasizes his reasons for wanting divorce were
just.
But the
logical application of this is that if you are not divorced legitimately, then
you are not free. You have sinned, “9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his
wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” This
is the other side of the teaching upsets a lot of other Christians, because we
can think of heaps of reasons for divorce. But Jesus gave only one. And he only
gives it in Matthew, this is not mentioned in Mark or Luke.
This is why
the disciples, as I said, are shocked, “10 The disciples said to him, “If such
is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But he said
to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is
given.” The disciples obviously could think of lots of other reasons to divorce
and remarry as well. This has been a problem throughout all human history. But
the truth is Jesus does not affirm this challenges the disciples and the Jews
listening by pointing out that many divorced people are not legitimately
divorced and therefore are not legitimately remarried. That’s what Jesus is
saying. That is what the church has long taught as well. In fact, some
Christians believe it is wrong to remarry anyway, even though Jesus gives a
limited reason for when they can.
Now, I hear
some of you thinking, but doesn’t Paul give another reason for divorce in 1
Corinthians 7. Let’s read what he says there,
“12
To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an
unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If
any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her,
she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because
of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband.
Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But
if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother
or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know,
wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether
you will save your wife?” (1 Cor. 7:12-16).
Paul says
that if you are married to an unbeliever and they want to go, let them, you are
not enslaved. What is the opposite of enslaved? Free. In other words, he says
this cannot be held against you. Some think that he is adding another exception
here to the only one that Jesus gave. But I don’t think he is adding to Jesus’
exception, because when someone moves on they usually move on with someone
else. You could say Paul is giving a pastoral application of what Jesus’ says.
Though some people think he has expanded the reasons for divorce to include
abandonment.
Someone else
might be thinking, Matt haven’t you taught in the past that ongoing denial of
sex from the husband or wife is reason for divorce? Yes, I have and I still do.
This might be more controversial, but remember Jesus said it was for sexual
immorality that you could divorce and remarry, and denying your spouse in an
ongoing and unrepentant way is both cruel and is also a sexual sin,
“3
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife
to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but
the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own
body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by
agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but
then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack
of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:3-5).
Paul says, “5
Do not deprive one another…” unless you both agree. And one person suggesting
it and the other being made to agree is not what he means. Sex is both a
privilege and a responsibility in marriage. “Do not deprive” is a
command, unless both want to have a break, or you have a medical reason why you
cannot. But that is why we say the vows, for better or worse. Because sometimes
life throws hardships at us, that even effect this area of life for married
couples. However, in general married men and women should make themselves
available to their spouse, otherwise you are actually sinning.
I am not the
first person to teach this, this teaching is found throughout church history.
There are records throughout medieval Europe of marriages being annulled for
this reason. And even Martin Luther said this was a reason for divorce in
extreme situations. And I agree.
Now, I know
this brings up a whole host of other thoughts, so we will come back to this,
but for now, we are just demonstrating that denying your spouse sex is a sexual
immorality. And Jesus says that sexual immorality is the only legitimate reason
for divorce.
Some people
don’t like this, but I think that is because they misread what Jesus says. A
sexless marriage can be one of the cruellest prisons for many men and women. It
is as much unfaithfulness as adultery itself.