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A little
while back I wrote an article titled, You’re Not That Original Men, you
can read this article here.
In the article I showed how the idea of men avoiding marriage because of the
state of women in society is not an issue unique to our day, or even to our own
culture. E. J. Hardy addressed this issue in his wonderful book, How to Be
Happy Though Married in the late 19th century and he even
indicates that this was an issue in non-Christian societies from time to time
that needed to be addressed. The goal of the article was to give some
historical perspective on the challenges men have faced when looking at
marriage, and showing that our modern situation has some precedent. Hopefully,
this will encourage men to be less fearful of entering into marriage.
A commenter
brought up some good points that I promised I would address in a future post,
and so that is what I am going to do in this article. Here is his comment:
“This
is a great article
But
you miss a few key reasons why men refuse to marry. First, the legal system
which is feminized and against men and boys. The legal marriages of today are a
poor contract for men. Women are paid to commit adultery
And
or divorce, with no consequences. Secondly is the religion of feminism, which
defines men as the enemy. Even many married women are feminists and intern
destroy their own marriages commonly. This is common even in churches. I have
seen it. Churches also don’t hold women accountable for marriage problems but
crucify men for them. It’s one of the larger reasons men are abandoning the
church, we don’t need it, as it’s useless to us. Thirdly,
8/10 divorces are filed by women, half of which due to adultery. Again common
in churches. So a bad investment for men again. For men to return to marriage
the structure has to change. For many like myself, once we see foreign women,
we can’t unsee them.”
These are all
incredibly valid responses and well worth addressing. I won’t present this
article as an attempt to comprehensively address these issues, as they could
actually make the basis for writing a decent book. But I have a few things I
would like to say.
First, life
is risk. Nothing worth doing is without some form of risk. This is not a cliché,
or simply a platitude, but rather a reality and something which we men should
embrace. John says 7 times in the book of Revelation chapters two to three that
God will reward the overcomers, or the victorious, or the conquerors. To be
more specific it is Jesus Christ speaking directly to the church that says
this. The worldview of the Bible is that living righteously in this life will
not be easy, will not always work out how we want, but our job is to see overcome
the world with our faith and our righteousness.
Connected to
this is the idea that we will face opposition in this life. As Marcus Aurelius
says, “Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with
interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness –
all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.”[1] Life is risk because life
is filled with opposition. In this life we will face many trials and
tribulations (Acts 14:22). It is the duty and responsibility of the Christian
man to overcome these trials and tribulations. We must not let them dictate to
us how we will live, but should see them as the challenges we are called to
face and overcome. So, everything I write in response to these questions comes
from this perspective. I don’t deny the reality of these problems, they are the
reality many men face, but that just shows us the conditions with which we need
to be prepared to deal with.
1.
The
Legal System is Stacked Against Men
“First,
the legal system which is feminized and against men and boys. The legal
marriages of today are a poor contract for men. Women are paid to commit
adultery. And or
divorce, with no consequences.”
No doubt this
is true. We live in a society which incentivizes sin in every area of life.
Women are incentivized to betray their husbands and move on to another man, or
monetize their divorce so they can have the provision of a marriage without the
responsibility of a marriage.
In fact, our
legal system is practically evil when it comes to marriage and divorce. I,
along with many other Christian men and women, have long opposed no-fault
divorce. It is a dys-civilisational policy. It is anti-scriptural and
practically destructive. But it did not occur to me until just this last week
that it is also inherently anti-justice. I realized this after reading this
article here about a man challenging his state’s no fault divorce laws in
an effort to stop his divorce from going forward.[2]
One of the
things this article points out is that no-fault divorce actually corrupts the
justice system. Judges are meant to judge between two parties, the complainant
and the defendant, or even two possible complainants. A judge is required to
get to the heart of justice and to adjudicate between the two parties on what
just action is required. However, in a no-fault divorce case there is no
wronged party. Usually the woman, but sometimes the man, initiates the divorce
without a legal complaint. And then the judge and usually the woman then commit
injustice against usually the man by ending the marriage. This is inherently
anti-justice. It is a pure subversion of justice and should be beneath the
actions of any righteous judge. No one has been aggrieved until the decision to
end the marriage by force of law is enacted. We then have an aggrieved party
who was deprived of his rights by the legal system itself. This is a powerful
argument, and I pray that this man is successful in his efforts to get these
laws overturned in his jurisdiction.
Lex inusta
lex non est lex,
after all.
In many ways
the legal system is stacked against men. For sure.
But this is
the challenge we men are required to face today. We don’t have no choice. You
can check out of marriage and dedicate your life to single service for the Lord.
Paul the Apostle did this (cf. 1 Cor. 7). However, this presents its own set of
challenges, some which most men are not equipped to deal with. But if you want
to have a wife and kids this is the playing field you currently face. Are you
prepared to overcome this?
You can take
the approach of the man suing the state to stop his divorce. You can join men’s
advocacy groups. You can join a good church which presents a culture of frowning
on easy divorce. You can mitigate your chances of divorce by choosing a high-quality
woman. But you cannot avoid taking risks. Life is a collection of risks,
especially when lived well.
But don’t
think your situation as a man today is as unique as you think. I did not bring
this up in my previous article, but it is relevant here. Which generation had
it worse? Ours, where men face these kinds of challenges from divorce and women?
Or men in the 18th, 19th, 20th centuries where
vast amounts of young men were drafted or press ganged into large wars and died
before they ever even had a chance to lay with a woman? Have you considered
that?
Men have
always been expendable. Today the court system is stacked against men to redirect
their resources to often low quality women who can use that system to punish
men. In previous generations men had more power in the home, but less power
over their lives in society in general. Your wife might have been under social
pressure to maintain the home, but between brutal factory work in the early
industrial period, difficult primary industries, and the large ongoing European
wars and conquests, many men faced a more brutal and violent existence than we
do now, and a much shorter life as well. But many of those men overcame that
and left descendants and lineages. Each generation of men has faced challenges
to our existence. All we can do is play the cards we are dealt.
Also, as a pastor,
I can tell you that many women regret getting divorced for frivolous reasons and
even for more serious reasons. They don’t face no consequences. Many people are
just not aware of what they face. They make their lives much harder when they
choose divorce. God will not be mocked, ignoring his standards brings problems
into anyone person’s life. Even if we don’t see them as clearly as others.
2.
Women
Are Not Held Accountable
“Secondly
is the religion of feminism, which defines men as the enemy. Even many married
women are feminists and intern destroy their own marriages commonly. This is
common even in churches. I have seen it. Churches also don’t hold women
accountable for marriage problems but crucify men for them. It’s one of the
larger reasons men are abandoning the church, we don’t need it, as it’s useless
to us.”
It is just a
fact that the church is terrible at holding women accountable. I have sought to
address this here
and here
as well as other places over the years. However, there is no doubt that many
evangelical men are just deaf to this issue, and this especially applies to
many pastors. Many pastors see it as their job to cater to women, and many
women expect pastors to do so. Many evangelical men want to frame everything
bad that women do as a man’s fault. It is either their father’s fault, their boyfriend’s
fault, or their husband’s fault, and if a specific man cannot be identified then
they will simply say it is men’s fault. This is an infuriating blind spot in
the church, and there is no wonder that men have fled from churches that act
and speak like this. I even sought to address this in a sermon recently on spousal
abuse, noting that the data shows it is more equal across the genders than most
people realize. So, I am not unaware of this as all, and I sympathize with the
commenter here.
I have a book
coming out soon about the evils of feminism. But you can search this topic on
my Substack and find that I have addressed this as much as any other topic.
Until the Church realizes that feminism is simply the religion of the Asherah’s
just wearing a different skinsuit for a modern era, this pernicious enemy of
all that is good and true will continue to infest and harm both the Church and
society. Feminism is anti-woman, anti-family, anti-man, anti-authority,
anti-children and anti-good hierarchy, and therefore it is a useful tool for
the evil one to undermine our society. What encourages me is more and more
Christians are waking up to this.
The four
primary idols, as I see it, in the church today are 1) seeking the approval of
the culture, 2) feminism, 3) financial success, 4) and Israel. I would suggest
finding a church that challenges these idols as best as it can. Some churches
are better than others on these issues. Another option is to plant such a
church. But we need to address this as much as we can.
As I said in one
of those linked articles,
“Conservative
men need to learn that taking responsibility as men means not just holding men
responsible ultimately for the state of society, but also holding women
relentlessly to account for their actions, as well. They could, ironically,
learn from this old song I heard again for the first time in ages the other
day,
“Boys
and girls wanna hear a true story?
Saturday night I was at this real wild party
They had the liquor overflowing the cup
About 5 or 6 strippers trying to work for a buck
And I took one girl outside with me
Her name was Lonni, she went to junior high with me
I said, "Why you up in there dancing for cash?
I guess a whole a lot's changed since I seen you last."
She said
What
would you do if your son was at home
Crying all alone on the bedroom floor
Cause he's hungry
And the only way to feed him is to, sleep with a man for a little bit of money
And his daddy's gone
Somewhere smoking rock now, in and out of lockdown
I ain't got a job now
So for you this is just a good time, but for me this is what I call life
Girl
you ain't the only one with a baby
That's no excuse to be living all crazy
Then she looked me right square in the eye
And said every day I wake up hoping to die
She said…I know about pain cause
Me and my sister ran away so my daddy couldn't rape us
Before I was a teenager
I been through more shit that you can't even relate to…
…Hold
up!
What would you do?
Get up on my feet and let go of every excuse
What would you do?
Cause I wouldn't want my baby to go through what I went through
Come on, what would you do?
Get up on my feet and stop making tired excuses
What would you do?
Girl, I know if my mother can do it, baby you can do it...”[17]
What
would you do? “Get up on my feet and let go of every excuse.” What is he saying
here? Woman, take responsibility for your life. And then he tells her that is
exactly what his mother did. And countless women have done this. It is a bit of
a trope in society that women
do not like having accountability. If this is true, and many people can
give anecdotal evidence that it is, then the person who struggles to do
something, should not they be held to a stricter standard to help them achieve
it?
The
people who wrote this song knew that a large part of the answer to the problem
was holding women relentlessly accountable. He does not say, “Oh dear, I am so
sorry to hear that.” He instead says, “let go of every excuse.” Conservative
men need to realize that to help change society around you cannot fail to call
50% of society to a much higher level of accountability. The next time you see
a woman who has had an abortion don’t think, “Oh you poor girl.” Think, “That
poor kid, what kind of mother does such a thing to her child?” This does not
mean the woman cannot experience grace and forgiveness and that you cannot have
compassion on her. It just means we should not immediately default to absolving
the perpetrator of harm to that child by shifting the blame away from her. The
child is the victim. Abortion is a form of abuse. We would never absolve a man
who hurt his child, so why do it with a woman?
I
do not believe this issue can change until conservative men in this public
space fearlessly hold women to the same level of accountability that they would
any adult man. Ironically, this is actually men taking responsibility and being
willing to receive all the attacks for being labelled “anti-woman” etc, etc,
when this could not be further from the truth. Abortion and porn do hurt women.
And holding women to a higher account than we generally do, will help steer
more and more women away from these things. Which is the ultimate goal, is it
not?”[3]
3.
Women
do the most divorces.
“Thirdly,
8/10 divorces are filed by women, half of which due to adultery. Again common
in churches. So a bad investment for men again. For men to return to marriage
the structure has to change. For many like myself, once we see foreign women,
we can’t unsee them.”
Foreign women
are not the solution that many people think. Sin is a universal issue. And
often what restrains women from acting badly in those other cultures is the
societal restraints on those women. Once you bring them into the West it does
not take them very long to learn what they can get away with. Often western
women will teach them this. The problem in other words in our society is not women,
or men, it is our lack of proper boundaries around sex, marriage, divorce and
many other things.
Men, you decrease
the chances of a divorce by choosing a woman of higher character. As E. J. Hardy
noted and was referenced in the article that inspired this one. So, choosing
wisely helps increase your chances of success. But that is not all you should
do.
You need to
continually improve yourself. You need to physically take care of yourself. You
need to work on your intellectual and practical skills. That is your ability to
reason wisely and do practical things as a man to maintain a good home (not
housework, but house maintenance). You should work as hard as you possibly can
so that your wife can stay and work in the home. And you need to make sure that
you encourage your wife to have friends who are living in a similar way. Part
of doing this is being in a church where the pastor models this through his own
family and encourages this.
In other
words, you need to continually prove yourself to be a good catch. Earning the
respect of other good men. Showing high character and discipline. Working hard
on contributing to the society around you. Maintaining your physical attractiveness.
And things like this decrease your chances of success.
As E. J. Hardy
notes,
“It
has been remarked that the first requisite to success in life is to be a good
animal. Will it seem shockingly unpoetical to suggest that this is also a very
important element of success in marriage? Certainly beauty has great power in
retaining as well as in gaining affection, and health is a condition of beauty.
A clear complexion and laughing eyes, a supple and rounded form, and a face
unmarked by wrinkles of pain or peevishness, are the results of vigour of
constitution. Overflowing health produces good humour, and we all know how
important that is to matrimonial felicity.[4]
I don’t think
the high divorce rate and the high obesity rate are a coincidence, either. It
is not just that people are overweight, but people have poisoned their bodies
and this poisons their minds. Again, Hardy notes,
“Surely
no one needs telling that a good digestion, a bounding pulse, and high spirits,
are elements of happiness which no external advantages can out-balance. Chronic
bodily disorder casts a gloom over the brightest prospects; while the vivacity
of strong health gilds even misfortune. Health is not merely freedom from
bodily pain; it is the capability of receiving pleasure from all surrounding
things, and from the employment of all our faculties.”[5]
How much of
our social ills, like high divorce rates, are a product of disordered minds
caused by bad health? It is not all of the issue, of course, but it has to be
some of it, and probably more than we realize. Taking care of yourself as a man
and making sure your family does is a good way to increase your chances of
marital success.
However,
there are no guarantees in life.
I appreciate
the opportunity to address these questions. There are many ways men are at a disadvantage today. But
many men in history have had it much worse. I think of what it was like being a
19-year-old man while Napoleon was in his prime taking record amounts of young
men into his armed forces all to fulfil his own glory. Historians note how his
continual efforts to draft men is part of what turned his nation against him.
These men were literally so mistreated we have a term come down to us from that
era that highlights this, “canon fodder.” Men have often been canon fodder of
one type or another. I can think of even worse eras for men that the time of
Napoleon. Compared to some eras our challenges are relatively light, though
they might not feel that way when we are going through them. We can only play
the cards we are dealt. But we can do what is possible to change things for
future generations.
Men, be overcomers.
List of
References
[1] Littlefield Matthew, 2025 https://goodsauce.news/aurelius-and-oppostion/
[2] Willet, Beverly, 2025, https://thefederalist.com/2025/08/18/meet-the-man-suing-to-stop-no-fault-divorce-in-texas/?fbclid=IwY2xjawMUzApleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHhVyJY9BkR0bzxSP6_tvTx_VzZzG7HllrQ-PhS60h-4F2TFUFLhIzFhFfd4j_aem_XXeI01cjJby2yAAUVnL00Q
[4] E.
J. Hardy. How to be Happy Though Married: Being a Handbook to Marriage (Kindle
Locations 3318-3321). Kindle Edition.
[5] E.
J. Hardy. How to be Happy Though Married: Being a Handbook to Marriage (Kindle
Locations 3310-3313). Kindle Edition.
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