There is a growing movement around today of men who consider themselves to be rather original for advocating against marriage. They warn young men that it is a bad bargain and not worth the hassle. But, men, you are not that original. We read this in E. J. Hardy’s book How to Be Happy Though Married,
“To
be, or not to be— married? This is one of those questions in reference to which
the speculative reason comes to no certain conclusion. Solvitur ambulando. It
has nearly distracted some men, whose minds were sicklied o'er with the pale
cast of thought. They have almost died of indecision, like the donkey between
two exactly similar bundles of hay. An individual of this description, who was
well known to the writer, after dropping into a letter-pillar a proposal to a
young lady, was seen a few moments afterwards endeavouring to extract with a
stick the precious document. Failing in his attempt, the wretched mortal walked
round and round the pillar, tortured with the recurrence of reasons against
matrimony which he had lately argued away. Fortunately for both parties the
lady refused the tempting offer.
And
yet this hesitating lover was, perhaps, but a type of many young men of the
age. Nowadays, it is often said they are giving up matrimony as if it
were some silly old habit suited only to their grandfathers and grandmothers.
The complaint is an old one. It was brought against pagan youths more than
eighteen hundred years ago, and yet the world has got along. But can all the
blame be justly thrown upon the one sex to the exclusion of the other? Have
thoughtless extravagance and ignorance of household economy on the part of the
ladies no share in deterring the men from making so perilous a venture?
It
is said that years ago in Burmah the ladies of the Court met in formal
parliament to decide what should be done to cure the increasing aversion of
young men to marriage. Their decision was a wise one. They altered, by an order
from the palace, the style of dress to be worn by all honest women, reduced the
ornaments to be assumed by wives to the fewest and simplest possible, and
ordained that at a certain age women should withdraw from the frivolities of
fashion and of the fashionable world. Success was the result, and young Burmah
went up in a body to the altar.”[1] (emphasis added).
Hardy notes
that in his day, the late 19th century,
many young men were avoiding marriage because they saw it as a silly outdated
institution. This could have been written 2 weeks ago rather than nearly two
centuries ago.[2]
And Hardy correctly notes that the Greeks and Romans often faced this issue.
Augustus, the
first emperor of Rome, famously had to address this issue in his day, because
so many men were delaying marriage. Men have often chastened under the expectation
of marriage. Young, and not so young, men that are doing this today are nothing
new, nothing original, and should not be seen as sages.
I like also
that Hardy notes that women should do something about this. He gives an example
of how the women in Burma went to their parliament and instead of hectoring
young men about marriage, they passed legislation that encouraged women to be
more pleasing to men. As I posted elsewhere, also quoting Hardy,
“In
the sphere of home the graces of gentleness, of patience, of generosity, are
far more valuable than any personal attractions or mental gifts and
accomplishments. They contribute more to happiness and are the source of
sympathy and spiritual discernment. For does not the woman who can love see
more and understand more than the most intellectual woman who has no heart?”[3]
A woman's
high earning power and intellectual ability are more likely to be detriments to
most men. At the very least they pale in comparison to affection and softness. Woman
would do well to remember this lesson. They could go far with a good man if
they did. Women do not become more attractive to most men by making themselves
just like men. They become more attractive by highlighting their submissiveness and
affection, with a genuinely soft spirit. Paul told men that they should provide for their
families and that women should teach younger women how to manage the home and
love their husbands. Hardy’s advice comes straight from the Bible and experience
which confirms the Bible.
Of course
this does not mean that marriage is not without risks. As Hardy also notes,
“Perhaps
the lottery theory of marriage was never stated more strongly or with greater
cynicism; but is it true? If it were, to expend care and attention in choosing
a wife would be to labour in vain. If, however, marriage is by no means such an
affair of chance, a prudent choice may prevent a man from being stung by a
snake, and may give him a goodly eel as his marriage portion. The important
thing to do is to keep well in mind the fact that a man's prospect of domestic
felicity does not depend upon the face, the fortune, or the accomplishments of
his wife, but upon her character. The son of Sirach says that he would rather
dwell with a lion and a dragon than to keep house with a wicked woman. "He
that hath hold of her is as though he held a scorpion. A loud crying woman and
a scold shall be sought out to drive away the enemies." On the other hand,
"the grace of a wife delighteth her husband, and her discretion will
fatten his bones. A silent and loving woman is a gift of the Lord; and there is
nothing so much worth as a mind well instructed."[4]
Men are right
to be concerned about the character of the woman. But the key is not to avoid
marriage. Anything worth doing is usually harder and has a higher level of risk. The
idea is to lower the risks by picking the best option possible. There are a lot
of terrible women today. No doubt. But there always have been. They key is to
make sure you mitigate the risk by choosing those women who are showing their
character by rejecting much of the culture of today. They do exist. I have met
many.
But don’t
think that avoiding marriage is necessarily the solution to avoiding errors. As
Hardy again notes,
“The
controversy as to whether celibacy or wedlock be the happier state is a very
old one, perhaps as old as what may be called the previous question— whether
life itself be worth living. Some people are very ingenious in making
themselves miserable, no matter in what condition of life they find themselves;
and there are a sufficient number of querulous celibates as well as
over-anxious married people in the world to make us see the wisdom of the
sage's words: "Whichever you do, whether you marry or abstain, you will
repent." If matrimony has more pleasures and celibacy fewer pains, if
loving be "a painful thrill, and not to love more painful still," it
is impossible exactly to balance the happiness of these two states, containing
respectively more pleasure and more pain, and less pleasure and less pain.
"If hopes are dupes, fears may be liars."”[5]
When Hardy
says that whatever choice you choose you will repent, I take him to mean that
no matter what path we choose in life we will often find ourselves on our knees
asking for forgiveness from God, because we bring our sin with us wherever we
go, whether we are single or not. And as he says some people are experts in making
themselves miserable no matter what situation they are in. If this is you then
you probably do well not to marry, so that you don’t drag someone else down with you.
Of course,
some have tried marriage and failed. I understand why such people would never
want to venture into marriage again. But just don’t think that you are doing
something novel and new by advocating against marriage. There have always been people who have avoided
marriage for a host of reasons. Monasteries throughout medieval Europe were
filled with men and women who wanted to avoid marriage. They were not there just for that reason of course, but many were. The church even once taught
that marriage was a lower state of being, and that the truly superior people stayed
single. They even have their Bible verses to back this up, though I myself would
not see it that way.
Knowing this
is true should encourage us that we do not live in some uniquely antimarriage
age. There are some generations that honour marriage better than others. But
many generations have dishonoured marriage greatly, and yet in all those
generations many have managed to not just make it work, but make a good go if
it. You could too if you approach it right.
Marriage, like
any other thing, will give back to you what you invest into it. Hence, if you
invest well your chances of doing well increase.
List of
References
[1] E.
J. Hardy. How to be Happy Though Married: Being a Handbook to Marriage (Kindle
Locations 314-330). Kindle Edition.
[2]
This edition of his book was originally published in 1887.
[3] E.
J. Hardy 1887. Kindle Edition
[4] E.
J. Hardy. How to be Happy Though Married: Being a Handbook to Marriage (Kindle
Locations 725-733). Kindle Edition.
[5] E.
J. Hardy. How to be Happy Though Married: Being a Handbook to Marriage (Kindle
Locations 294-299). Kindle Edition.
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