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Introduction –
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Remember
when you genuinely felt that as a child? Some people genuinely do still feel
this way. Christmas can be wonderful. I think for me Christmas peaked when I
was in France for Christmas back in 2011. That was the best Christmas I can
remember, it was like being in a Christmas movie, set in a small European
Village, it was incredible. Walking through the Christmas markets in small
towns, seeing the passion for Christmas in Paris, watching atheist French
choirs putting more love and care into traditional Christmas carols than every
single televised Australian carols show I’ve ever seen was amazing. Christmas
is really a European winter tradition, and outside of Europe we don’t get to
experience it at its best. If you don’t believe me, if you ever get the chance
spend a Christmas in Europe. It is amazing.
But for most adults, there are things about Christmas
we love, and a lot of things we would prefer to do without. It’s the holiday
season, there is a lot of joy in different places, but it is filled with so
much busyness, and so much pressure from every direction. And one of those
sources of pressure is family.
We all obviously love family. God designed us for
family, we are all from a family of one kind or another. But family has been
affected by the fall of this world into sin, just like any other aspect of this
world. We all have good experiences with family and we all have difficult
experiences with family, and many of those difficult experiences can occur on
the holidays.
So, for our next message in the prepping for the
holiday season series, I want to talk about dealing with difficult family. Maybe
for you Christmas has no stress or drama about it, it is one of those times of
year where it is all just fun. If that is the case, then I think that is
wonderful. But I also think there will still be something in this message for
you to apply at other times. Our last message was focused on reminding you what
evangelism is and why it is important to get back to basics of evangelism. If
you missed that message I encourage you to listen to it, and seek to apply it.
This message is designed to give you to tools you need to help you think
through how to deal with one of the challenges Christmas presents: difficult
family. Let’s see what wisdom the Bible can give us on this issue.
1. Busting A Strange Myth - First,
I want to dispel a myth, that family is not meant to make you happy, but make
you holy. This is one of those things Christians say that I just think
contradicts so much of Scripture. You most often hear this in the context of “marriage
is meant to make you holy, not happy.” But it is applied to family as well.
1.1 Could
you think of a worse marketing slogan for marriage? You’re not meant to enjoy
it. It is meant to make you suffer and call out to God to refine you! What a
terrible message to tell young people. No wonder so many young people in our
churches avoid marriage like the plague. They see many of their parents unhappy
and hear from preachers all the time that marriage is not meant to make you
happy anyway. What a disaster.
1.1.1
Imagine if they tried to market a
product like this: it’s meant to taste bad. I mean I know that works for Dr
pepper, but not for most products. Generally, if you want to sell something
that you want people to do, you cast it in a positive light. Telling people
marriage, or family is meant to be painful isn’t a great slogan, nor is it
biblically correct. I mean it can be painful, just look at some people’s
experience, but it is not meant to be painful.
1.2 The
Bible itself sells marriage in a positive light, Psalm 45:1, 13-15, a wedding
Psalm, says, “My heart overflows with a pleasing theme; I address my
verses to the king; my tongue is like the pen of a ready scribe… 13 All
glorious is the princess in her chamber, with robes interwoven with gold. 14 In
many-colored robes she is led to the king, with her virgin companions following
behind her. 15 With joy and gladness they are led along as they enter the
palace of the king.”
1.2.1
What is the goal of marriage according
to this wedding Psalm? Joy. The goal of marriage is joy. The goal of life is
joy. The highest goal IS joy. Psalm 16:11 – “11 You make known to
me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right
hand are pleasures forevermore.”
1.2.2
Indeed, there is a whole book in the
Bible, song of Solomon which is all about enjoying marriage, and a lot of stuff
mentioned in that book is only holy if you are doing it in marriage. Proverbs 5
says to delight yourself in the wife of your youth. So many Scriptures can be
brought to bear to show that both marriage and family are things God gives us
for our joy. Psalm 127:3-5 – “3
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. 5
Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” Blessed is the man who
fills his quiver with them. Blessed, filled with a deep and abiding joy is the
man with a family. The goal of marriage and family is most certainly happiness.
Scripture says this over and over again. Marriage and family are God’s good
gifts to his children.
1.3 But
you may respond: “Matthew you are misinterpreting what people mean they say marriage
is not meant to make you happy, but holy. When they say the goal of marriage is
holiness, not happiness, they mean that holiness is more important than the
fleeting pleasures, like adultery, or divorcing a difficult spouse.” I respond
to this by saying I get what they are saying completely, and it is still wrong,
because they are inverting the goal of holiness.
1.3.1
Look at this: Psalm 1:1-2 – “1
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in
the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; 2 but his delight is in
the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.”
1.3.1.1 The
result of living life God’s way is joy. Much joy.
1.3.2
Blessed, you can think of blessed as
happy, but it is more than that. It is a deep and abiding joy, that is firm and
unshakable. Here we see that to be blessed, to be happy, to be filled with joy
is the effect of righteousness and the goal of holiness. Psalm 65:4 - “Blessed
is the one you choose and bring near, to dwell in your courts! We shall be
satisfied with the goodness of your house, the holiness of your temple!”
1.3.3
Holiness is designed to create joy.
So why are we exploring all of this for today’s message?
1.4 Because
if your family does not contain more joy than not, then you are doing things
wrong. Don’t settle for: family is meant to bring holiness, not happiness, that
is substandard and sub-biblical thinking. Recognize that if there is little happiness
in your family, there is something seriously wrong. The goal of life is joy in
the presence of God as we read in Psalm 16:11 - “You make known to me the
path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are
pleasures forevermore.”
1.4.1
This gives you a baseline for how to
approach family events: they should be about joy founded in holiness, and they
should bring you joy. If they don’t, if they create stress, anxiety,
unhappiness, then they are being done wrong. And you do not need to put
yourself through that.
1.4.2
The goal of family is not holiness,
it is about joy, happiness. Holiness serves joy. If you seek for joy in sinful
pleasures it will just bring hardship sooner or later. But true and lasting joy
comes from applying God’s ways to your life. The goal of life is joy through
living God’s holy way. The only way to truly be happy is to live your life
according to the word of God and his commands. It’s not a temporary joy, but a
lasting one.
1.4.3
We cannot choose our family, but you
are free in Christ to choose how you engage with them, especially if the family
event is not fulfilling its biblical role: joy. This applies doubly with
relatives and extended relatives.
1.4.4
With your husband and your wife, and
your live at home children, you are obligated by God to stay with them, through
thick and thin and not just run away because things are hard. But if your
marriage is joyless, don’t accept this as just a means for your holiness, work
to bring joy to that situation.
1.4.4.1 You
can’t just leave this situation. If you want true joy, you have to work to fix
the conflict, you are bound by commitment to work for it.
1.5 But
with extended family, once you are married, your parents, and your siblings are
now your extended family or relatives, not your direct family.
1.5.1
This is addressed to the wife in
Psalm 45:10-11 - “10 Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your
ear: forget your people and your father's house, 11 and the king will desire
your beauty. Since he is your lord, bow to him.” After marriage, a wife
is to create distance between the family of her birth and come under her
husband from this point on.
1.5.2
This is also addressed to the husband
in Genesis 2, even before the fall: Genesis 2:24-25 – “24 Therefore a man
shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall
become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
The husband is to become the leader of his home and separate himself
from his parents.
1.5.3
Your obligations change once you are
married. Husbands are obligated to wives and wives to husbands, and you have an
obligation to make your family as joy filled as you can. This will require
putting limits on how you interact with your relatives. But there is more we can
apply to Christmas as well.
2 2. Religious Festivals Are To Be Joy-filled: We
all know that Christmas is not a festival commanded for Christians to celebrate
in Bible. This does not make it bad, indeed, it is a very good thing, but we
are shown some religious festivals that people were obligated to attend, and
let’s see what at least one of them can teach us. The festival of the tithe:
(Deuteronomy 14:22-27) - “22 You shall tithe all the yield of your seed
that comes from the field year by year. 23 And before the Lord your God, in the
place that he will choose, to make his name dwell there, you shall eat the
tithe of your grain, of your wine, and of your oil, and the firstborn of your
herd and flock, that you may learn to fear the Lord your God always. 24 And if
the way is too long for you, so that you are not able to carry the tithe, when
the Lord your God blesses you, because the place is too far from you, which the
Lord your God chooses, to set his name there, 25 then you shall turn it into
money and bind up the money in your hand and go to the place that the Lord your
God chooses 26 and spend the money for whatever you desire—oxen or sheep or
wine or strong drink, whatever your appetite craves. And you shall eat there
before the Lord your God and rejoice, you and your household. 27 And you shall
not neglect the Levite who is within your towns, for he has no portion or
inheritance with you.”
2.1 This
is obviously not a Baptist party because there is allowed to be wine and
strong-drink, and I don’t think strong-drink means protein shakes. It’s also
not a vegetarian party, I mean how can it be a party if it is vegetarian? But
notice the aim of this party, this festival: “And you shall eat there
before the Lord your God and rejoice, you and your household.”
2.1.1
You shall get together with your
family, and household and you shall rejoice. The aim of such a festival is joy.
The aim is to have fun, together.
2.1.1.1 The
goal is not to just suffer through it but have fun.
2.1.2
So, we can say for certain that if
good, Christian holidays like Christmas are not fun for the family things are
being done wrong, and you need to rethink the whole approach.
2.1.3
A lot of family just do things a
certain way because that is how they have always been done, and many of the
people involved are miserable. You are under no obligation to be miserable.
Indeed, what is the stated goal of Christmas: “Peace and Goodwill to all
mankind.”
2.2 Christmas
is different to the feast of booths, because it is a good tradition, but not a command.
The Jews were commanded to celebrate such festivals, whereas Christmas is a
choice. So, what is your obligation for Christmas? You are free to approach it
as you see fit for your family however you can most bring righteous joy to your
family.
2.2.1
We saw in Romans 14 last week, this
important point: Romans 14:5-6 - “5 One person esteems one day as better
than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully
convinced in his own mind. 6 The one who observes the day, observes it in honor
of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks
to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives
thanks to God.”
2.2.1.1 Despite
what some people believe, in Christianity there are no sacred special days,
really because every day is the Lord’s. But for some people, certain days are
sacred, and have a certain way they should be treated. Here is the key point,
you must be convinced in your own mind.
2.2.2
Colossians even drives this point
home more significantly, Colossians 2:16-17 - “16 Therefore let no one
pass judgment on you in questions of food and drink, or with regard to a
festival or a new moon or a Sabbath. 17 These are a shadow of the things to
come, but the substance belongs to Christ.” Let no one judge you. No
one includes who? Relatives, family.
2.2.2.1 I
get this is pretty radical for some people to hear. But think about this: this
is being written to converted Jews and Pagans. Imagine how many family
traditions were wrapped up in these two different belief systems, all those
obligations, etc, etc.
2.2.2.2 If
in such a culture Paul is saying be free, how much more should we be free in
our culture? But you say we have to suffer through it, because it’s a family
day. Well Paul says let no one judge you if you don’t want to suffer through it.
2.3 This
sets some solid foundations for our Christmas celebrations: we are not obliged
to do anything, we do not have to tolerate anxiety because it is more holy, we
are free to structure our holy days in the way that can best bring righteous
joy to our family.
2.3.1
This allows you to draw some
boundaries with your difficult family. You are actually free to say: I don’t
need this. See you in January.
2.3.2
You don’t have to say this either.
You are free. For some people getting together with family on Christmas day is
the best day of the year. If that is your family praise God. This is really how
it should be.
2.3.3
For others, it is just better, and
happier for the family to grit their teeth through Christmas, because it makes
the rest of the year easier. That is fine too, you have freedom on this issue.
A lot of people feel like they don’t, they feel like big chains are dragging
them one way or another. I understand. Life is a challenge. But God gives us
great freedom and he wants you to be happy, a happiness based on holiness.
3. Don’t Let Difficult Family Get To You
– For some people having difficult family is a source
of real struggle in life. But can I encourage you, I have never met anyone who
doesn’t have some difficulty in their family somewhere. We even see this in the
Bible.
3.1 The
first wife took the first opportunity she could to rule over her husband, and
that husband then just submitted to it passively. The result? The fall of the
world and also something very personal, their first son murdered their second
son.
3.1.1
Then there is the dishonor that
Noah’s son Ham does to him, in uncovering his nakedness.
3.1.2
Then there is Abraham’s mess with a
childless wife, a young slave woman and an unwanted pregnancy that fractures
the family. This is a mess that still affects the world today.
3.1.3
Then there is Jacob’s family. Most of
the second half of Genesis is spent dealing with the struggles of this one
family. The fights between brothers. The clashes of Jacob’s wives. The pain
this causes all of them.
3.1.4
There is the mess of David’s family,
many of the families in the book of judges, and so much more.
3.2 Be
encouraged, that if you have brokenness in your family, you are not the first,
you are not the only, and you are likely not the worst. Many people feel like
failures because of the struggles in their families, but even good families
aren’t perfect.
3.2.1
Some families are genuinely healthier
than others, that is for sure. Some families exude peace. Some families exude
chaos. Most are in the middle of these two positions. None are perfect. The
difference between a healthy family and a bad family, is the healthy family
have ways of reconciling issues, rather than just manifestly expanding them.
3.2.2
Family is a wonderful gift, that we
must steward as God’s people wisely. Don’t think your family is the only one
with struggles. But don’t settle for unhappiness being ok. It’s not, the family
should be a place of more joy than pain.
3.3 I
know some of you will want to go all the family events this year, and this is
good. I know some of you will feel obligated to do so, even though you don’t
want to. So, let’s look at some practical
wisdom from scripture, about how to navigate the day.
4. Navigating The Family Gathering –
So everything we have explored so far has been setting the theology of family
and holiday celebrations so that you know your freedom in Christ, and that the
goal of holiness is happiness. The goal of family is happiness, through
holiness. The goal of festivals is happiness founded on holiness. But we also
want to know how to navigate the difficult situations we can find ourselves in
at family events. So, here are some principles of application.
4.1 Come
with a spirit of joy – Deuteronomy 14:26 - “And you
shall eat there before the Lord your God and rejoice, you and your household.”
Coming together with your family is supposed to be about joy, especially at a
holiday celebration. So, check your spirit before you go. You need to be
intentional about this.
4.1.1
If you go with an expectation of
conflict, you will likely find it. If you go with a spirit of joy, you might
find conflict, but at least it won’t be your fault. You might just get lucky
and not find it all. Proverbs 10:28 – “28 The hope of the righteous brings
joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.”
4.2 Keep
Your Expectations Low – Philippians 2:3 – “3 Do nothing from selfish
ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than
yourselves.” Go with low expectations about what you deserve,
about what you will get, about how you will be focused on. Think not about what
you are going to get, but about what you will give.
4.2.1
If you go in expecting this and
expecting that you are likely going to have fights, because you will become
offended. Some people this is pretty much all they do to everyone else. Demanding
behaviour creates a whirlwind of conflict.
4.2.2
I am not saying allow yourself to be
pushed around, I am just saying don’t be the one who pushes their wait around.
4.3 Think
like an adult – 1 Corinthians 13:11 - “11 When I was a
child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” Paul quotes this passage
in the context of talking about Spiritual gifts, but he is using a principle of
wisdom that has far wider application. We need to leave childishness behind us,
and act like the adults we are.
4.3.1
Many people when they go back home for
Christmas, default to their instinctive home-based behaviour from childhood.
This is the source of so much conflict.
4.3.2
I genuinely think if at all possible
avoid having Christmas at the folks. Have everyone at your house, or another
siblings house, or somewhere neutral. Or don’t all get together at the same
time. A change in environment can help with this issue.
4.3.3
But also recognize that
get-to-togethers at Christmas are pretty much a day for kids and for
grandparents, not parents with childlike behaviour.
4.4 Be
Reticent To Talk – Proverbs 10:19 – “19 When words are
many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”
I am the first to admit I suck at this. I love a good debate. I don’t tend to
start them, but sometimes people say something, and I am like: I cannot let
that go.
4.4.1
But the less you say, the less likely
you are to say something that will cause conflict. It’s a simple principle. All
the extroverts suck at this. All the introverts are like, yes please.
4.4.2
Most family gatherings are not great
places for robust conversation, they should be, but the reality is they just
aren’t.
4.5 Lead
With Humility – Proverbs 11:2 – “When pride comes, then
comes disgrace but with the humble is wisdom.” This one speaks for itself.
Come with humility and avoid pride. Pride is the source of many evils, and for
some reason, pride is often as close as the apple sauce and Christmas cake at
the family Christmas get together. Remember pride is your enemy.
4.6 Don’t
Be Afraid To Be Honest – Proverbs 11:3 – “3 The
integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous
destroys them.”
4.6.1
None of what I am saying means you
cannot share your honest opinion, and challenge what you think is nonsense. Just
wrap it up in these previous pearls of wisdom from Scripture. Be honest and be
cognizant that not everyone is going to like that.
4.6.2
It is what it is.
4.7 It’s
Not About Possessions – Proverbs 11:4 – “4 Riches do
not profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death.”
4.7.1
Don’t be obsessed with what you get
or don’t get. Envy and jealousy and greed are other sources of many evils.
4.8 Be
Kind – Proverbs 11:17 – “A man who is kind benefits
himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.”
4.8.1
And last of all be kind. If you
approach the day with all of these tools of wisdom under your belt, you have
the best chance of successfully dealing with any difficult family.
5. Conclusion – I
am the first to say I have not applied these principles perfectly. We have had
some wonderful family Christmas’, like last year, and some not so wonderful ones
in past years. Some people are just so difficult nothing you do can make it
peaceful. Remember in such cases you are free, you are under no obligation, no
one is allowed to judge you for choosing not to go along with tradition on
Christmas day. Be free, and work hard to have fun, righteous and holy joy with
your family this Christmas.
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